Husband didn't come to hospital when child was ill

[Lil2424]

A few months ago my DC got ill with croup, at the time we had had no experience with croup before and from our perspective at the time he seemed to be having trouble breathing properly and making a raspy sound when he did and was constantly unsettled, he was only 9 months old at the time. It started up from just seeming like a cough and a cold in the day and got much worse at night so we called 111, who called an ambulance for us and we didn't know if the paramedics would just tell us it's a bad cold or something and we had to just ride it out and keep giving him calpol, but they told us it was probably croup, and because he was so young they were going to take us to the nearest hospital.
This was at 1am in the morning, my husband had work the next day (he works on sites and gets picked up in a works van every day to be taking to a site along with his colleagues), he needed to be leaving for work at 6am the next morning. The paramedics told us to bring bottles for him as we might be there a few hours, then told us it would be best if I ride in the ambulance with him and my husband takes the car and follows us so we have means of getting back home. However my husband told them and me that he couldn't come as he had work the next day and he was half worried that we would be at the hospital so long he wouldn't be back on time to get picked up and also getting some sleep before the next day, now at the time this was all a very rushed situation and I had to just go along with it really, he said he would call his dad and ask him to drive us back from the hospital, I would just need to call him and let him know when we needed to leave, but I don't really get on with his dad so I just said I'd call my parents and ask if one of them could pick us up instead, I knew one of them definitely would be able to anyway. So at the hospital I was put in a waiting room with his car seat and his bag next to me on the floor and my 9 month old on my knee still breathing raspy, waiting to see the doctor, I was walking him round the waiting room for an hour at least then saw a nurse who gave him steroids then told me I would need to keep waiting to see one of the doctors, by this point it was almost 3am, and I thought I might be able to leave soon so I called my mum and just apologised for having to ask so early in the morning and asked if she was okay to pick us up, she said yes and asked if I wanted her to come now so u wasn't on my own, she said it was fine as she was awake anyway, so I said yes please and I'm glad I did as we were there another over two hours, my arms where aching from constantly walking him round, so I'm glad she came to take him for a little but also. So after the whole event and we were home and he started to get better and we were just putting it behind us thinking we would know better what to do next time and know what it was I could just drive him to hospital myself without calling an ambulance. But I kept thinking, and people kept saying to me that my husband should have gone too so I wasn't alone with a sick baby there, and if it meant him missing a day of work his boss should understand, and if it meant him still being able to go to work but he hadn't slept, he would be fine for one day, I sort of agree with them now but I'm not sure what to think of it?

I think if it was important for him to be at work and it didn't seem serious enough then that's OK. As far as the car, if you could get a lift or a taxi home this is a bit of a red herring. I'm assuming he thought baby would be ok and you'd call him if the situation changed

our hospital only allows one carer per child. I think it makes sense unless something extremely serious for one parent to go.

I think he was quite sensible. Only one parent needs to go to A&E unless the child is in life-threatening condition.

I can understand your worry for your baby, been there myself a few times with croup and it's awful and scary especially when they're tiny and its your first, and in many ways yes I think your husband should have gone because you needed the support but when this has happened with us I have always gone on my own. Partly because of covid restrictions and also partly because my husband also had work the next day and is self employed. When it happened recently I went on my own because we also now have other children. I think you definitely should sit down with him and perhaps ask the question why he didn't come in a non confrontational way and let him know how much you needed his support as you were exhausted and worried. Perhaps he doesn't realise just how much it hurt you that he wasn't there. None of us are mind readers, maybe he was getting some grief from his boss already about work that he hasn't mentioned and didn't want to risk losing his job, maybe he didn't consider your child sick enough to warrant it, maybe he is just a deadbeat husband who needs a reality check but wither way you wont know unless you communicate with each other. When children are sick it's stressful as heck so I sympthise completely with how you felt that night pacing round. Does your husband do well in hospitals generally, can he tolerate needles etc or does he have an issue with hospitals maybe? Talk to him, it's the only way to sort this out

The paramedics suggested that you might be there for a few hours, so they didn’t expect a hospital admission was going to be needed. In this instance, I wouldn’t see the benefit of both of us sitting in A and E for hours and not getting any sleep.

My DH would have been there without question and I would have wanted him there, but I speak from a position of privilege- he could have missed a day of work and still been paid. If that is not the case for your DH and money is tight it is a tougher decision. I think it depends really upon his overall attitude

I can understand there only logically needs to be one parent/ carer there - that the paramedics suggested him coming and he was more bothered about getting some sleep before work would have upset me though, not going to lie.

I suppose it would depend on how concerned/ supportive he seemed - both at the time - making sure you had everything you need, checking in, messaging as soon as he got up to get ready for work etc. And after - taking over the care once he got home so YOU could get some sleep after being in the hospital all night that sort of thing.

My husband would absolutely have been there in those circumstances and I’d find it very hard to understand him if he was just like ‘oh sorry I’ve got work tomorrow, best of luck yeah?’ That might not be the most logical or make the most sense, but it’s how I would feel.

I hope your little one is better now.

I've taken my little one to hospital a few times on my own (getting a taxi back) and it wouldn't occur to me that my husband would come too. The majority of other children also seem to be with just one adult (could be mum or dad).

Who are the people who keep saying to you and what is their life experience? How I was going to parent before I had a child is different to how I parent now.

We've been to A&E with our DC a few times over the years at various ages and we've never both gone. The last time DH was there for 12 hours overnight and I really don't see that the situation would have been better if we'd both been up and no one had slept etc. Our other child was away that night so I could have gone, but I didn't.
Obviously we'd both go if it was really serious but otherwise I wouldn't see the need.

If he's generally a decent father and husband then this wouldn't bother me.

Usually the jobs where people are picked up in work vans and go to work sites are physically demanding jobs that have a high safety risk- ie construction sites. Fatigue can cause power saws to slip, falls, dropped heavy items, or bin collection- fatigue can mean being hit by a passing motorist. If your DH has a job like this he really would not be ok.

In addition, you didn’t really need him there. And if it had been serious and your baby were admitted for several days, he could have come after work to give you a break and make sure you had clothes, supplies and such. He could then ask for time off and you could take turns being there with baby.

I know a boss should understand a trip to A&E, but the reality is that many do not unless there is an hospital admission and would be asking him why can’t your wife take care of this?

I would ignore the nasty people trying to stir up trouble.

It depends on your financial circumstances- if you could afford him to have a day off then yes he should absolutely have been there and at home the next day too - okay, it wasn’t serious but it was still frightening and exhausting for you, leaving you likely to feel pretty wobbly the next day. It’s your first DC and that makes it even more frightening as you have no point of reference for what is serious/what will happen next etc.

If you are seriously struggling financially then I understand him having to go to work, but to he really gutted that he couldn’t come and be there with you both

The baby didn't need both of you there. Your husband needed to sleep and go to work early. It would have been stupid for both of you to go and VERY VERY annoying for others in the waiting room for your whole family to be there and taking up space when not needed, if the room was crowded.

You were only there for a short time, so I am assuming not crowded, but I've had 20 hour waits in overflowing A and E departments before, and can't understand why some people come as a family, leaving other sick people unable to lie across two chairs, as all chairs are taken, and the only place to lie is on the floor.

One child in AandE needs ONE carer. Unless seriously ill.

The only time wev both gone to hospital for the kids at the same time was ambulance situations. My daughters having complex seizures as a baby, I went in ambulance he followed behind. My eldest rushed in with suspected meningitis too.

If it was just us taking them ourselves then I just tend to go but in what has seemed like serious, emergency situations we both went. With such a small baby and what was breathing difficulties that you had no experience with and didn't know about croup, my husband would absolutely of not given a shit about work.

My eldest was always getting 40+ temperatures and things when he was very little and I never took DH along when I took him to A&E. if you ever have another child you'll need to do things like this apart too - one looks after one child and the other goes to the hospital.

As for any future visits, yes take the car if you're worried enough to think he needs to see a doctor urgently, it's much easier for getting home etc and you can leave at a time that suits you, and it frees up an ambulance for someone else.

You don't need both parents, and children a&e can be small don't be fewer the better.

But also If they were in longer then better to have one fresh to swap with.

We've always only one gone, normally me but sometimes dh if that is more sensible.

I think he was sensible, only one parent is needed at A&e, they often don't allow two anyway and the waiting room gets too crowded. He had work the next day, so sensible for him to stay home and sleep and then go to work and you to go to the hospital. I've done the same with my DC. Now we have two DC one stays here with one DC and the other goes to A&E.

It's a tough one, from the post it seems that what you wanted/needed was the emotional support of knowing you were going through this/handling this together. In the moment there was the whole confusion of medical professionals, talks about hospitals etc. and DH must also have been panicking about work (with extra pressure of knowing someone else picks you up and you have to be ready). I don't think anyone has done anything 'wrong', hindsight always tells us what we should have done, hopefully you can come out of this rushed situation ready to chat about what to do next time (hopefully it won't happen though obvs!)

When we've had to do an A&E run, DH and the healthy DC have dropped us off, I've stayed with the sick child and DH at home with healthy child. So I don't think you necessarily need DH there with you.

BUT, there's no way DH would have left me to get support from the grandparents, he wouldn't have been going to work until he knew DC was ok and he'd brought us home. He'd be looking after the baby once home so I could catch up on some sleep too. But again, as someone said, we have the privilege of flexible jobs that would allow us take a paid day off no questions asked in the circumstances.

I don't think many mothers would pack baby and daddy off in an ambulance, go back to bed and then head off to work as normal leaving others to help with lifts and baby wrangling. So it shouldn't be ok for fathers either.

Glad your dc is ok op.

I’m amazed by some of these replies. Of course my dh would have come, especially as this was your child’s first time with breathing difficulties. He wouldn’t have been able to sleep for worrying about what was happening and he would want to drive us back even if he sat in the car park all night. He has a demanding job too.

Maybe a different scenario if this was your fourth or fifth time with the same condition and you knew the ropes but he’d still try and get some sleep and then come and get us. He definitely would not delegate his responsibilities to his dad or mil!

It really depends, with young children it’s inevitable that there will be hospital visits at some point, croup can be nasty but usually treatable. Saying that though, I can’t help but feel he should have gone in with you just as support at least until your mum could have met you.

I would have ok with him not coming. It would seem silly for him not to sleep either. If it was a life or death situation it would have different.

We have 3 kids, so there’s always one of us that stays at home. I’ve never felt like I really ‘needed’ him tbh.

I do understand why you feel like he doesn't care or wasn't supportive, but getting a child checked over in hospital is not a job for two people.

It's not like he was staying home to watch football or see his mates - he had to work and you could easily ring family or a taxi to collect you afterwards.

I hope your little one is feeling better.

All the people saying they don’t see the point - the point to me would be moral support, someone else to take turns holding a baby who needed to be constantly held/ walked up and down to soothe them, someone else to help take in any information in case there was anything complicated to discuss with medical staff, someone to hold baby whilst I went to the loo, or to grab us a drink of water or hot drink. And, as the paramedics said, someone to drive us home so I didn’t have to wake up other family members who are not my child’s other parent.

Maybe none of the above would actually be needed - I’m only imagining because we’ve been incredibly lucky that the only time DD has needed to go to A&E so far is after a head bump just to get checked out (advised by 111) - DH wasn’t actually allowed in as was still Covid protocols but he drove us there, waited in the car park and drove us home. But in terms of what the point would be, that’s what I’d be thinking.

I would feel the same as you, he should have been there x