Am I being unfair to my DM - booze police

[PurpleSky300]

My DM used to be a heavy binge drinker. She has gotten a lot better in recent years but still has no "stop" button and it frequently embarrasses me, which nobody seems to understand.

We were invited to my close friend's wedding recently, and I said to my DM - please don't get drunk because this is important, please try and pace it during the day. But there was a lot of free booze and she didn't pace it and before long she was staggering around to different tables, clapping her hands together and demanding they all pose for pictures, slurring, raising her voice. I could see people rolling their eyes and trying to go along with it but I felt like I knew what they were thinking deep down and that upset me.

I asked her to rein it in, and she did. She swapped from booze to soft drinks for an hour, had some buffet food and was more of herself again, and I was really glad. But she said I'm awful to her, always getting on at her, being the booze police etc etc when nobody else minded it. And I wasn't sure what to think. I asked my friend (the bride) and she says "people get drunk at weddings, it happens, she means no harm".

So I feel like some kind of goblin. But I also feel upset and embarrassed by the effect that alcohol has on my DM and her inability to see how it makes her behave. She shouts, she slurs, she makes rude comments about people in their earshot, she makes a scene. I feel like at any social event, it's a lucky dip as to whether she'll get like that or she'll be able to hold it together. But nobody else seems to be as bothered by it as I am.

Your mother clearly has a problem with alcohol, but she is an adult; you are not responsible for her behaviour, any more than you are responsible for that of a random drunk person in the pub or in the street.

Your friend is trying to make you feel better but it's chappy that they are both minimising the reality of living a life with someone with alcohol problems.

Can you try to makensure you're never with your mum drunk for your own sanity x

I really feel for you. This is what the beginning of alcoholism looks like. Unable to stop drinking, behaving inappropriately and out of character when drinking and making family members uncomfortable are all hallmarks of alcoholism. Then comes needing a drink to get over a hangover, drinking earlier and earlier in the day, getting injuries, shaking, not eating etc.

You could and maybe should have a frank talk with her but she'll be as defensive as she usually is and that's because she knows deep down there's a problem. She has to do it for herself really but you could encourage her to try sober October or something like that with you.

My grandpa was an alcoholic, not an angry violent one, so it was sort of brushed under the carpet. My poor grandmother spent the last 30 years of her life going NOWHERE. No weddings, no holidays, nothing outside gatherings with immediate 5-6 relatives, because he always embarrassed himself, there was no off button.

You need to stop taking your mum to stuff and accept she will always be an alcoholic. It's extremely rare for an alcoholic to change and they will only do so if they really really want to. Your mum does not recognise the extent of the issue.

This.

People getting sloppy drunk is embarrassing at any age and mortifying it’s your mum. I think you’re right to try and get her to moderate her intake.

My dad went through a period of heavy drinking, probably a couple of years, after the death of my sister. While his grief was obviously understandable, the drinking made family life pretty horrendous. It only stopped when I and my other sister told him that if he didn't stop drinking we wanted him to leave. He managed to cut right back but always had a tendency to not be able to stop once he started. I totally understand why you're so uncomfortable and embarrassed by your mum. She has a drinking problem whether she acknowledges it or not. You need to be very honest with her about how you feel and I would reduce the amount of time you spend with her, especially at events where she's drinking. Get support from Al-Anon. You can't stop her drinking, only she can do that. But you can tell her how you feel and decide how much you're willing to spend time with her.

I understand completely OP

My husband doesn’t have an off switch re drinking
He was never aggressive or violent but couldn’t stop at a couple of drinks

I could never relax at social events and it felt like having another kid to look after

Incidences of pissing in the bedroom drawers etc which isn’t a good look for a man in his 40s

I also made it clear to him that my father was an abusive alcoholic and I was raped by men who were drunk when younger plus left my first husband due to his behaviour when pissed

He was amazing DH and father the rest of the time but, even after promising he wouldn’t get drunk (not tipsy or a bit jolly), he still did

The last straw was when we were at family friends. He was drinking lots and fell over when walking home. Youngest DD is asd and was petrified. Kept saying ‘is that my real daddy?’ in tears

Gave him an ultimatum that night in the form of an email to be read when sober the next day

It didn’t work though as it happened again with the kids there and he embarrassed us all.

I told him the marriage was over then. The love I had as a wife was gone.
He joined AA and hasn’t drank (as far as I know) for over 18 months now.

However, it’s a case of ‘too little, too late’

I’ve been dating and have filtered out so many men who get pissed on a regular basis. The man I’m seeing now has a glass of wine occasionally but I’d never put myself in that position again

Unless you’ve experienced this you don’t really understand. People see a funny drunk who’s entertaining/no harm. They minimise it out of politeness or ignorance

Hope you’re okay OP

She's been like it for 20 years, sadly, and used to be a lot worse. She had a binge pattern and it used to be all day for 3-4 days, until she was too ill from booze and lack of food to continue and then it would be 2-3 days in bed and start all over again. Compared to that, she is a lot better these days. She doesn't drink every day, doesn't drink when she knows she has to drive, etc. But it's all different shades of the same thing in the end, she can't stop when she has started. My Dad is further down the same road, a dependent drinker with the shakes etc. But I am low contact there anyway.

She lives in a world where only people like Paul Gascoigne are alcoholics and everyone else is just having a good time. It's delusional. I can't break through it.

Yeah, I know this feeling as well. Not necessarily abusive but rude, no filter. Will insult total strangers about their weight, hair, outfit etc etc in a stage whisper whilst thinking that they can't hear, and of course they can. How someone hasn't bitten back yet too some of her comments, I'll never know