Am I being unfair to my DM - booze police

[PurpleSky300]

My DM used to be a heavy binge drinker. She has gotten a lot better in recent years but still has no "stop" button and it frequently embarrasses me, which nobody seems to understand.

We were invited to my close friend's wedding recently, and I said to my DM - please don't get drunk because this is important, please try and pace it during the day. But there was a lot of free booze and she didn't pace it and before long she was staggering around to different tables, clapping her hands together and demanding they all pose for pictures, slurring, raising her voice. I could see people rolling their eyes and trying to go along with it but I felt like I knew what they were thinking deep down and that upset me.

I asked her to rein it in, and she did. She swapped from booze to soft drinks for an hour, had some buffet food and was more of herself again, and I was really glad. But she said I'm awful to her, always getting on at her, being the booze police etc etc when nobody else minded it. And I wasn't sure what to think. I asked my friend (the bride) and she says "people get drunk at weddings, it happens, she means no harm".

So I feel like some kind of goblin. But I also feel upset and embarrassed by the effect that alcohol has on my DM and her inability to see how it makes her behave. She shouts, she slurs, she makes rude comments about people in their earshot, she makes a scene. I feel like at any social event, it's a lucky dip as to whether she'll get like that or she'll be able to hold it together. But nobody else seems to be as bothered by it as I am.

Why does it bother you? It isn't really your business, just let her be. If you don't enjoy her company don't socialise with her

I understand why you feel that way - but it doesn't reflect on you. Just on her. I agree it is pathetic behaviour for an adult at that age

YANBU, you are very kind to try to stop her embarrassing herself.

She should be grateful that you try.

I would be mortified if I was so drunk I was unaware I was irritating people. And whilst I assume it would be difficult to hear, be grateful for you letting me know.

I would however reduce any social time with her, because you shouldn't be on tenterhooks worrying about her.

For the same reason visible drunkenness bothers most people. People were rolling their eyes, they were trying not to laugh. It isn't dignified, it isn't a nice feeling. And it's not a true reflection of my DM who is a lovely person when sober.

Did you invite her to the wedding?

or did your friend? If your friend invited her, it’s really nothing to do with you. And I don’t mean that to be nasty, I mean her behaviour is no reflection on you. If your friend invited her knowing what she is like, then that’s on your friend if she behaves poorly. And that is the difficult bit because it doesn’t feel like that.

If you are inviting her to things as harsh as it is, I would stop. I would be honest and tell her why, but stop taking her places.

I do get it though. My best friends mum is similar. We try to reassure my friend that it’s ok. But it’s a massive drain on my friend. They can’t enjoy any family event as she has one eye on her mum. She often ends up leaving early. I tell her the same, it’s not her responsibility or a reflection on her. But I also get that it’s hard when you can see her annoying people or people judging her. One of her siblings won’t get married because if they don’t invite her it will cause massive drama. If they do invite her she will be drunk and something will happen. I suspect they will go abroad and do it, without anyone there. Which is a shame as that’s not what they want.

Your friend might be just saying ‘it’s ok’ to try and make you feel better or they may really not see the issue. If they don’t, in a few weeks can you have an honest heart to heart with your friend. See if they understand your pov. Sometimes just having one person understand helps. Or she may point out that people aren’t annoyed, that it’s just your perception. But I would bet it’s that your friend accepts your mother being there and behaving like that is a given so put up with it for you.

I think YANBU, I would feel exactly the same in the circumstances

I’m getting counselling decades after having an alcoholic father. Why do people invite her -it used to be considered funny sometimes when people staggered around but never I’m my experience if it was an older woman.
i would probably not go in this situation.

I feel for your friend, it sounds like an identical situation.

As for my friend, we've talked about it a lot and she was around years ago when the binge episodes were bad so she knows the history. I would say she does understand my concern but she also feels like I have a kind of "raw nerve" about it, I see it as bigger than it is due to the past.

So she'll say eg. "As long as they're not being aggressive or anything, most people can handle a person being a bit drunk. They will pose for pictures or just absorb a couple of comments and they might laugh but then they will forget about it. It's nothing they won't have seen a million times. It's not worth being hung up over".

It is just hard to disassociate from those feelings of embarrassment.

Sorry OP. This sounds awful. I suspect you already know this but your mum clearly has an alcohol problem. Honestly I think id try and distance yourself from her. At least at events where alcohol will be available. There's nothing you can do about it really. She has to want to change.
My mum was an alcoholic too. It eventually killed her. She used to act like this and it was horrible.

totally understandable op.
you are not the booze police

It reflects on OP. Plus it means that every family event is ruined. I understand because my Mum is exactly the same.

I totally understand OP. Your mum has a problem with alcohol. If it were a one off at a wedding then you probably wouldn't react that way.

I’d be tempted to tell her people were rolling their eyes and laughing at her. Maybe she needs a reality check that she’s embarrassed herself.

I used to be the same op, I think if you aren’t embarrassed by a parents behaviour it’s probably hard to understand. I used to be mortified by my mum and dad. She’d be like yours, getting everyone to join in and worse chewing their ear off and having deep conversations that people wanted to get away from and my dad would drink every lunchtime and pick me up from a hook stinking of beer. Mine was linked to embarrassment and shame. I spent all my wedding pre speech trying to make sure he’d not had a lot to drink.

you can’t stop her, use the energy to work on detaching and realising it’s no reflection on you. She is her own person. I sympathise though, your post hit a nerve for me and brought back some memories, my mum being at a friends and being so drunk she slid down the wall was out to bed and vomited everywhere. We had to go home. Awful.

You're not the booze police, you're sick of being embarrassed and was trying to save yet another embarrassment.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk

This might help.

Has she ever seen herself on video?

I get where you're coming from. It's embarrassing.

Her behaviour is unfair because she's crossed a line into making a nuisance of herself - guests at a wedding don't want to have to humour a drunk, who for all they know might turn aggressive (not saying your mum would but to those who don't know her well, she'd be an unknown quantity).

It's encouraging that she was able to rein it in when you spoke with her. I think you have to be quite blunt and say that, until she can police herself, you have no choice but to police her. Either that or wash your hands of it, and wait for some incident to occur that will shock her into changing - because something will happen if she's left unchecked, she'll fall over or throw up or start a fight.

YANBU

I have relative who didn't know when to stop. Over and over again. It stopped being fun. My anxiety would ramp up and I also knew I'd get barrages of abuse once they'd stopped being "funny, amusing".

If she was only having 2-3 drinks and you were on at her she’d have a point. However, seems this isn’t what’s happening at all. She clearly cannot enjoy a few drinks and know when to stop, sounds like she’s got no off button.

It’s quite irritating at events etc when you have that slurring staggering drunk who won’t leave people alone, and talks rubbish, and people tend to try and avoid them so they don’t get stu k with them if they have form for this behaviour. If she’s this person at most events you go to I can see why you feel the way you do and you can’t relax. As others have said her behaviour isn’t a reflection on you, but you’ll feel responsible for her because she’s your mum.

Sounds like she needs to learn to moderate. Maybe soft drink every other drink or wine and soda instead of straight wine.

And I’m not saying this applies to everyone who gets drunk at an event, we’ve all been there at one time or another, it’s when it’s every single event it becomes tiresome!

Are you me?! My mother is the same, drunken monologues, goes mad when told how awful she is. Now in her 80s, and still has to be prepped to not drink too much, because she’s appalling, slurs, demands to be driven home, wants to go after an hour because she’s shitfaced.

My sibling was over from Australia, we had a big family meal out, 20 of us, she got drunk and wanted to go home, but would not have been capable of opening the door. I just refused, I’ve had enough. She eventually sobered up enough to participate, but I totally feel your pain.

She's ruined family holidays (not with me) with similar behaviour. The family who took her has decided not to take her again so she now misses out. She wants to drink herself into oblivion, fine, just don’t do it so someone has to look after you. She prefers to be shit faced then eat (never pretty!) but if she’s made to eat first, she’s fine. She’s lost an awful lot of friends over the years but refuses to accept it’s because of her behaviour. Everyone is on tenterhooks worrying about her behaviour if we go out with her-Monday is her birthday meal, so she’ll use that as an excuse to be pissed.

My only advice is to minimise how much time you spend with her, frankly. It’s what I’ve done. I see her for a couple of days twice a year, it’s enough. I feel I can’t ever have a drink when she’s around, not that I’m bothered, but it’s shit and I completely empathise. 💐

Edit: re only 2-3 drinks, that’s all it takes, think she’s just topping up every evening. 😢

People obviously do get drunk at weddings and generally that’s perfectly OK, but some people can become overly loud, annoying and embarrassing when they’re drunk and that’s when it’s a problem - it sounds like your mum is one of those people. My sister is one of them too and so is DP’s sister (who I suspect is a functioning alcoholic) sometimes. Fortunately my sister doesn’t get properly drunk in my presence very often. DP’s sister will usually be OK but sometimes will turn up to things already having had a few drinks and will just be way out of sync with everyone else. MIL did a long haul flight with her once and nearly died of embarrassment because she became really loud and annoying.

I suspect the bride was being polite and trying to make you feel better by downplaying things, really. I don’t think you were unreasonable to have a quiet word with your mum at all. If other people were rolling their eyes and looking awkward then it does sound like she’d passed the usual tipsy at a wedding stage.

I can completely relate to this. My dad (now deceased) was a high functioning alcoholic and I found this behaviour in social situations excruciating.

He wasn’t a dribbling, falling over vomiting drunk, he just became very verbose and argumentative and it was horrible to be around: he would pick (verbal) fights with people all the time over stuff that really didn’t matter and became “that” person no one wanted to invite.

As a family member you feel really trapped by this behaviour. You feel judged by others as a family member and it’s also just tedious and boring to be around and undignified to watch and I felt awful for my mum because she was the person bearing the burden of it.

I had endless run ins with him where I would tell him to stop and try to control what he drank and it would make him absolutely furious.

After a while when I was in my late 20s had a bit of an epiphany and I sat him down and told him I loved him but I hated the person he became when he was drinking. And that henceforth if he drank more than two units of alcohol in my presence I would simply leave and would not be around him. I stuck to that for the rest of my life. He never stopped drinking but he did hold the line on the two drink rule whenever we did something together and if we were in social situations with lots of people I just avoided him.

Tolerating someone else’s alcoholism is a very hard burden to bear and honestly it’s left me with a residual feeling of utter contempt for heavy drinking even though I know many people can’t help it.

But no one should be forced to tolerate this. Spouses can leave but children have no choice. I think you are well within your rights to be be hard line about it.

Has she ever seen, (video), herself in action? Not saying it'd be an easy watch for her, but...

If she won't listen to what you're asking of her, you'll always be anxious waiting for her to start performing. Think about avoiding these situations, and explain to her your reasons for doing so

Al Anon might be good for you.

Isn't that obvious ?
I would, as would most people i imagine be feeling exactly the same as you op.
You are not being unreasonable , i would be mortified if the person i was with behaved the same way , there's a difference between being a bit merry to showing yourself up, imposing yourself and being rude about people.
I would have given my mother a bollocking for this.