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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Feel Uncomfortable Continuing This Friendship.

61 replies

Molone · 09/08/2024 21:15

I have just discovered that a friends husband went to prison a few years ago for sexual offences he committed when he was a teen.
My friend is lovely, kind and a great Mum so it’s come as a surprise to me that she married and then went on to have children with someone who had been found guilty of this.

AIBU to step away from the friendship? I guess it’s kind of changed my opinion of her even though I know that she herself has done nothing wrong.

Or am I just being too judgy?

OP posts:
maddening · 10/08/2024 00:42

Pantaloons99 · 09/08/2024 23:59

The fact 2 siblings paired up to do this makes me even more sick tbh. It is absolutely vile. I could not be ok with this. I'd never feel right around the friend.

I read it as his friend was abusing the friend's sibling already and then he got involved in that somehow?

maddening · 10/08/2024 00:43

Sorry reread - his brother

Maria1979 · 10/08/2024 07:28

IsTheOffDutyDoneYet · 09/08/2024 22:36

I have to disagree with the “he was only 15” comments. DDs ex-bf was only 15 when he raped her, as well as being physically and mentally abusive and coercive. We are still awaiting to see if it’s going to go to CPS, and he hasn’t been punished as yet. I have found it utterly disheartening that because they were in a relationship and some things were consensual with the way it’s been handled.

By the by, given what he has done I would need to know what my friend was planning to do. Did she already know about it? Is she planning on staying with him? Does she need support to leave? Having said that, if she was staying with him and supporting him I would likely distance myself.

I was one of those saying he was only 15 IF we were talking about an immature 15-year old being in a relationship with an 11 year old and no violence was involved. Doesnt make it ok but less despicable. Clearly this was not the case in OPs story neither in yours.
Rape can take place in marriages as well, there is never an excuse.
I am so sorry for what you have been through.

LlynTegid · 10/08/2024 07:41

I think for me it would affect any friendship. It seems to me almost saying would you want to be friends with someone who upon discovering their other half was a sex offender, remained in the relationship. When they had no children and were not married at the time.

AccountCreateUsername · 10/08/2024 08:30

Balhammom · 10/08/2024 00:21

With respect, I don’t see it as any of OP’s business.

OP is not friends with this man. If you want to cast out your friend based on who she’s married to, that’s your call, but it seems odd and controlling.

I think it’s a very natural thing to do. I wouldn’t stay friends with a woman who supported a convicted sex offender. I wouldn’t visit their house or want my kids to. That’s a very normal and natural response. Self protective rather than controlling.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 10/08/2024 08:38

TemuSpecialBuy · 09/08/2024 21:51

very honestly…I wouldn’t want myself or my children within a mile of him and would be cooling the friendship.

It might be harsh but I wouldn’t care what the mitigating factors were - my families safety is more important than being “nice” “kind” or “fair”

he is a paedophile.

Edited

No he isn’t - he was under age too.

PensionMention · 10/08/2024 08:46

I would be stepping away, it is irrelevant that he was 15.

Your friends husband now has a life, who knows what kind of life his victim has. Whilst survivors of sexual abuse can have fulfilling lives many that are sexually abused especially as children end up with many issues.

HollyKnight · 10/08/2024 09:09

Um, to all you rape apologists, even if it was a "relationship", an ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD CHILD can not consent to sexual activity. That's not even a teenager. That's a child barely out of primary school, if at all. The age gap between 11 and 15 is huge. If your 15-year-old doesn't understand he shouldn't molest 11-year-olds, then you've gone very wrong with your parenting.

CanelliniBeans · 10/08/2024 16:44

If she's your friend and is completely innocent then don't step away and punish her.
If he presents a risk then only meet her away from the house and don't do joint things.

Despair1 · 11/08/2024 19:17

TemuSpecialBuy · 09/08/2024 21:51

very honestly…I wouldn’t want myself or my children within a mile of him and would be cooling the friendship.

It might be harsh but I wouldn’t care what the mitigating factors were - my families safety is more important than being “nice” “kind” or “fair”

he is a paedophile.

Edited

Very harsh, we don't know the facts and he was a minor at the time

Improbablywrong · 11/08/2024 19:25

I wouldn’t cut her off but I wouldn’t let him be near your children in any setting: and I would watch his children for signs of abuse quite closely.

i have personal experience. You need to ensure he’s not passing down inappropriate behaviours to his own kids.

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