To stop lift sharing because she criticises my driving?

[wmbargo]

Me and my colleague have started alternating car shares. Long commute we do twice a week, I do one day and she does the other.

Colleague has told me she thinks she’s autistic so I’m unsure if this is relevant. But she’s very boastful about herself (I’m such a confident driver!) and very easily puts down others. Shes done nothing but criticise my driving, I drive too slow (I do the speed limit), I take too long too slow down and I break too suddenly etc (I don’t think I do but anyway).

Now I’ve been with her when she’s nearly crashed into two cars, missed our exit because she was trying to be a dick and be in the wrong lane to cut traffic and I say nothing. I don’t like criticising people.

But I’m really irked by her criticism of me when she’s far from perfect.

My DH tends to be a bit of a back seat driver, though he is a good driver himself I have to admit. I used to find his comments dented my confidence in the earlier days, but now I just firmly say 'who is driving this car?' and he just shuts up. You need to tell her straight or just stop the arrangement.

She's autistic. She is likely not to understand social rules. Talk to her before you do anything. The post upthread had good wording.

But give her one chance because she may have no idea she's doing it/what the impact is on you. She likely thinks she's just stating facts (this is what my dad says when he does this).

Autistic people can learn, but we need to be told. Don't go all passive aggressive and do it back to her because she won't have any idea what you're doing. Just tell her straight.

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I'd rather pay for extra fuel and just drive alone.

Tell her you want to end the car share agreement due to her dangerous and incapable driving. Just that. She’ll then probably repeat her criticisms of your driving, and then you can tell her that you drive within the limit, etc, and that it’s obvious her criticisms stem from the fact that she’s a poor driver herself so trying to make out everyone else is the bad driver when it’s actually her.

Are you sure she’s autistic? She just sounds rude and arrogant - and like she could do with some driving lessons.

She likely thinks she's just stating facts (this is what my dad says when he does this)

But she’s not, is she? If someone is, for example, driving at 28mph in a 30mph limit, they’re clearly not “driving slowly”.

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She probably has no idea how she's coming across.

My dad would think they were! Some autistic people are extremely set in what they've decided the world is or should be. She sounds just like my dad and he would firmly believe he was "just stating facts" and that it's therefore not upsetting. There's no point arguing over that bit, just introduce a rule - no commenting.

OP, which bothers you more, her unsafe driving or her criticism of your driving? If you tell her to stop with the criticism you’re still left with being a passenger.

You can easily put a stop to both!

Good luck. Plain language will help no end, regardless of whether she’s autistic or not.

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Assert yourself @wmbargo!

Speaking as an autistic person myself I would ask that you please try to tactfully tell her to stop. Give her a chance to change. If she can't change then YWNBU to stop the arrangement.

Don't do this while either of you is driving. You need to either talk about it shortly before parting ways so that she has time to process it, or consider sending it by text/email.

Start with "I need to talk to you about something that's important to be because it's making me feel so uncomfortable I'm considering stopping liftsharing but I'd like to talk to you about it to see if it's something that can change."

"I do understand that you find it helpful to process things by having a running commentary on what's happening. However when you give me any feedback about my driving, I experience that as quite stressful criticism which makes it more difficult for me to drive with you in the car. Linked to that, when you are driving and you compliment your own skills, I find that stressful because I feel I've been criticised all the time when I'm driving and I don't mention it when you make mistakes so it just makes it feel so imbalanced for me"

"Can we please agree that from now on neither of us will comment out loud on the quality of either our own or each other's driving whether positive or negative, and we just talk about something else?"

This with bells on!
There’s no way I’d put up with this back seat driver without loudly pointing out her dick moves. If I ever got in her car again that is - she sounds dangerous.

Honestly I'd stop this arrangement.

A relative was killed while travelling to work and being driven by a colleague.

Work journey or not, I wouldn't continue to be driven by someone I considered to be an unsafe driver.

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Be direct, just not unkind. ND people can often handle and even appreciate directness far more than NT people.

"I don't like it when you criticise my driving. Please don't do that."

Edited to add: No idea how that GIF got there, and when I try to edit there's nothing for me to remove!

Edited again: I agree with others who say stop the lift share if she is a dangerous driver. Life really is too fragile and too precious.

I’d be more concerned about her driving than her criticism of yours.

I’d simply say that lift sharing is no longer working for you so you won’t be doing any longer. No ned to go into any details.

Have you or other colleagues explained to her that criticism and put downs aren't ok? If not, I'd be direct and let her know that making comments about your driving isn't ok and you won't life share with her in future if she continues. If she's generally quite regularly rude to people around her and tries to justify it with 'I think I'm autistic' I'd probably be less patient.

Say if you continue to criticise my driving I am afraid I will have to drive to work solo.
See what she says. And if she continues follow through.

I'd stop sharing with her before she kills you. Don't be driven by an unsafe driver!

give her one more lift.
when she criticises you, stop.
Make her get out - she's so confident, she can find her own way.

If you're on a motorway maybe wait until you've left it.

That wouldn't for me. Being driven to work by a bad driver, and the same bad driver criticising me. I'd just stop it. I like to arrive in work not stressed out of my head.
Her autism wouldn't factor in my decision.

I would just stop the lift sharing. She criticizes your driving and you don't like her driving either because it's unsafe.
So just say to her that you've decided to stop lift sharing because you find it too stressful and from X date you'll be driving separately. And then stick to that.

I have realised, at the age of 59, that certain things are just not for me and I will never ,ever entertain doing them again. One of them is lift sharing. If the subject comes up I just politely say that I don't do that and prefer to drive myself. Alone. I have always found lift sharing a very stressful experience. You are not obligated to share Op.