Giving it another go with my ex and it’s just history repeating itself

[Libertyyy]

Me and my exDP were together around 6 years ago. We broke up because he said he “sabotaged” it - basically, nothing happened he just manufactured an argument and left. I was heartbroken because I really did love him - we were very in tune with each other, spoke a lot, same sense of humour etc, he’s the only person I’ve ever felt truly myself with.

In the 6 years since we broke up, I have had another relationship (an engagement that I ended) and so has he. We have both said to each other that nothing has come close to what we had. We have had some tough times during those six years - periods of contact and no contact.

He got in touch with me at the beginning of this year after around a year of not talking, asking whether I wanted to collect a houseplant I had given him at the start of our relationship. This is pretty much how he always starts contact again so I said outright “we either meet and talk like adults or we need to block each other”.

We met and had a very long chat where he told me he had had therapy and he understood how much he hurt me and was truly sorry, he asked whether I would want to give it another go. I told him firmly that we would have to take things slowly and communicate how we feel. He was SO happy when we decided to give things another go - thanking me for “forgiving” him and saying that all his friends were rooting for us, that we were made for each other etc. he also said he was surprised I was still speaking to him after what he did. We have had days spent together now and everything feels lovely, we’re older and wiser (I thought) but there’s still that undercurrent there that we know each other so well.

We’ve been seeing each other weekly now since around May time. In the last two weeks I’ve had a gut feeling he’s pulling away. He is taking longer to get back in touch with me, and last week he told me he was depressed and needed more therapy sessions and wasn’t where he wanted to be in life.

I texted him on Tuesday asking whether he wanted to come to an event in our town this weekend - he hasn’t replied. He has been online but no reply whatsoever. We don’t text daily, but we see each other every weekend so this is unusual.

It took me a long time to think about giving it another go - he broke my heart massively when I was younger!!! We have had conversations about the importance of communication so this feels extra hurtful. He himself said when he wanted to give it another go “we both have to be open and honest with each other”.

I’m at a loss now - what do I do? I have to end things I know, but I just wanted insight on whether I’m overreacting or whether I need to be more understanding, I wouldn’t be like this if it wasn’t for our history but it feels like the same old story repeating itself.

I know a lot of people will say never get back with an ex, but it’s too late for that!

It didn't work last time - what is different about this time?

"If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got"

You DO know what to do. You explained what you needed, he agreed, and now he is failing massively.

Basic communication is not that difficult in a healthy relationship but when it is missing it creates distrust, fear, anger and resentment. Just one of those is a relationship killer, you have at least four. Cut your losses and find someone who actually listens and respects you.

History is in the past, he said just enough for you to think he’d changed but OF COURSE he hasn’t. You know what to do, you end it, you block him and know that it wasn’t your fault and you didn’t fuck it up. He blew it, he doesn’t deserve you.

This guy will be a part of your past, never your future

Aww OP I’m sorry. I totally understand why you gave it another go and why it’s so heartbreaking for it not to work out a second time.

it sounds like he really loves you but for whatever reason can’t get his act together for a relationship. It’s absolutely not your fault, and you deserve better.

You’re not an idiot for trying again. You had your reasons and you aren’t to blame for his shortcomings. I wish you all the best without him.

He has said he is depressed and needs more therapy. That is him communicating with you.
Naturally you are cautious if he will hurt you again. But you've decided to make a commitment so if you think you could have a future together, maybe just give him the benefit of the doubt and support him through his mental health struggles. If over time you can see that's just an excuse and he hasn't grown, then you know what you need to do.

he also said he was surprised I was still speaking to him after what he did.

What did he do?

The breakup really - it was the day before my birthday, and he was quite cruel during it calling me manipulative for crying because he was shouting. He has said he regrets this and doesn’t recognise the behaviour, and said it was abusive

I'd leave him to it.
Insanity is repeating identical behavior and expecting a different result.

You haven’t mentioned sharing children with him so far.
If there’s no kids you’ll never have to hear or see him again, so block, delete and move the F on (again) and never look back!

He has communicated he has depression. The question is whether you want to stand by someone who is depressed or not.

I'd echo what others have said, I understand you wanted to give it another go but just seems like this is never going to work out and your just going to keep getting hurt trying to breathe life into it. I'd end it for my for own sanity, block him and never look back. Doesn't have to be angry and bitter, especially if that's just going to hurt you more but seems like you just need to move on without him in your life.

Block and move on. He's learnt nothing and certainly doesn't deserve another shot with you!

You can recognise the signs, it's all starting again.

He's awful, you don't deserve this in your life. Block him and ignore him.

Call it quits. He's not changed. Simple as that.

Drop him and block him and never speak to him again.
Move on with your life, this guy is a loser or certainly a lost cause.

He's a mam who likes the chase.

He's not cut out for real relationships.

Dump.
Block.

Get some therapy to figure out how you fell for him twice.

How can I support him when he is silent with me? We’ve not spoken for 4 days now, do I just wait around until he does contact me? It makes me feel like I’m walking on egg shells all the time

It makes me feel like I’m walking on egg shells all the time
That's the biggest clue ever. It's over. It's so far over that you need to run, far far away and don't look back.

@Libertyyy Have you tried to have an open conversation with him about his silence? Or are you just waiting for him to get in touch. Tell him you want to talk, let him know how you're feeling and how this is bringing up old feelings of hurt, and you need reassurance from him and also need him to let you know how you can support him. An open line of communication is so important especially at times like this. All you can do is try, then if it fails at least you will know you tried and didn't just leave him when he is struggling mentally. If he isn't receptive to your efforts then maybe he isn't ready for a relationship after all. Some of the things you said makes me think he has grown, as he has held himself accountable in his past actions. However, words aren't enough anymore and you need to see better actions from him now, even if it is just an effort on his side with communication, to start with. Let him know what your needs are right now, and ask him what his needs are and see if you can work on that to move forward. You should know where you stand more after a good heart to heart. If you get all your feelings out on the table (with also an openness to his feelings) you will know in your gut after that conversation if he is willing to try, or if this is just going around in circles.

Why accept this diagnosis of depression? He may or may not be depressed but he is definitely selfish and untrustworthy. If he were a good person who really cated for you he would go out of his way to protect you from being hurt. He could absolutely havd developed a plan to do that with bis therapist. He choses not to care about you. That is not depression that is egotism.

OP - Silent Treatment is a form of emotional abuse. You don’t have to put up with this. He’s right, he’s not ready to be in a relationship with anyone and needs to continue to work on himself.
Move on.