Giving it another go with my ex and it’s just history repeating itself

[Libertyyy]

Me and my exDP were together around 6 years ago. We broke up because he said he “sabotaged” it - basically, nothing happened he just manufactured an argument and left. I was heartbroken because I really did love him - we were very in tune with each other, spoke a lot, same sense of humour etc, he’s the only person I’ve ever felt truly myself with.

In the 6 years since we broke up, I have had another relationship (an engagement that I ended) and so has he. We have both said to each other that nothing has come close to what we had. We have had some tough times during those six years - periods of contact and no contact.

He got in touch with me at the beginning of this year after around a year of not talking, asking whether I wanted to collect a houseplant I had given him at the start of our relationship. This is pretty much how he always starts contact again so I said outright “we either meet and talk like adults or we need to block each other”.

We met and had a very long chat where he told me he had had therapy and he understood how much he hurt me and was truly sorry, he asked whether I would want to give it another go. I told him firmly that we would have to take things slowly and communicate how we feel. He was SO happy when we decided to give things another go - thanking me for “forgiving” him and saying that all his friends were rooting for us, that we were made for each other etc. he also said he was surprised I was still speaking to him after what he did. We have had days spent together now and everything feels lovely, we’re older and wiser (I thought) but there’s still that undercurrent there that we know each other so well.

We’ve been seeing each other weekly now since around May time. In the last two weeks I’ve had a gut feeling he’s pulling away. He is taking longer to get back in touch with me, and last week he told me he was depressed and needed more therapy sessions and wasn’t where he wanted to be in life.

I texted him on Tuesday asking whether he wanted to come to an event in our town this weekend - he hasn’t replied. He has been online but no reply whatsoever. We don’t text daily, but we see each other every weekend so this is unusual.

It took me a long time to think about giving it another go - he broke my heart massively when I was younger!!! We have had conversations about the importance of communication so this feels extra hurtful. He himself said when he wanted to give it another go “we both have to be open and honest with each other”.

I’m at a loss now - what do I do? I have to end things I know, but I just wanted insight on whether I’m overreacting or whether I need to be more understanding, I wouldn’t be like this if it wasn’t for our history but it feels like the same old story repeating itself.

I know a lot of people will say never get back with an ex, but it’s too late for that!

Block him and move on with your life. He's never going to change . Stop wasting your time chasing this dream he's sold you

I'm sorry but I wouldn't contact him again, I'd just block him and move on. You made it clear from the start what was needed to make the relationship work second time round. He's not even communicating with you 3 months in! Please don't give him anymore chances, depression or not he could have spoken to you. Don't get burnt again.

I agree with others - if it were me, I'd cut my losses and end things now. I wouldn't be spending any more emotional labour on this at all.

last week he told me he was depressed and needed more therapy sessions and wasn’t where he wanted to be in life

Well there’s your get out clause. I would use this to end things and then I would strongly recommend you look at why you felt that things might be different. I think you might have been thinking about it idealistically and gave too much weight and credibility to what he said about growing up and recognising the behaviour.

Here’s what you could say:

”Given that you’re needing to concentrate on your therapy, I will leave you to focus on that. Catching up with you has been quite thought provoking for me too, I will benefit from taking time to reflect on this. Take care of yourself and all the best with the therapy, I hope it helps you.”

Then block him and never unblock. If mutual friends are acting as messengers for him tell them that you wish him well but he hasn’t changed as much as he said and it’s clear that you’re not suited for each other.

What @Rainbowshine said.

A wise person always told me 'what you allow, will continue'

You deserve better and he cannot give you that - he made that very clear but not replying for days on end. You should block and delete his number. There are multiple people on this planet, do not get hung up over one man with commitment issues. Sending you a handhold, be strong 💐

Give your head a wobble.
Why do you want to support him?

What is in this for you?
What are you getting out of all this drama that he is causing?

He is reeling you in, trying to turn you into a satellite in his orbit, trying to see how much of your time and energy he can focus on him and away from your own wellbeing and happiness.

Dump this emotional vampire.
He will try to get you back, using all sorts of manipulation and cajoling.

Do not engage with him again.
Get therapy for yourself and try to understand why you fell for his story.

I have been massively insecure in past relationships and what I learnt, over time, is that the good men are the men who don't make you feel insecure - because they're good, solid men.

Egg-shell man is never going to work, not in a million years.

Also, another thing learnt is that men who say they're going to try harder/make an effort, only do so for a couple of months and then it's back to usual behaviour.

What @Rainbowshine said.

Trust your instincts with this one. You know it's not working. So better to end things now than drag it out. And then, no more contact. And I think you will find it easier to move on now. No more 'what ifs'. You've tried. You know now it wasn't meant to be.

This.