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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he really isn’t into me

31 replies

Boredlord129 · 09/08/2024 02:40

I recently met a man on a work trip. We have spoken every day for the past few months. I am back in his country and we agreed to spend time t together. He had a few days off work he stayed with me.

His home is around an hours drive away. He’s had to work again, but he said it would be nice if I joined him at his home to spend the last few days together. I agreed and said I would make my way over once he let me know he finished work. I waited pretty much all day to hear from him, he never let me know he finished work. When I asked him when he finished it was much later than he had originally said.

He never messaged me to say he had finished and replied to my message to say he had just gotten home. That to me isn’t a man trying to make the most of our time together. Would I be unreasonable to text him to say I enjoyed our time but I’d like to leave things here

OP posts:
PoopedAndScooped · 09/08/2024 02:42

Christ. You seem abit much!

Original poster
Boredlord129 · 09/08/2024 02:44

Is it a bit much? I’m near him, he asked me to come to his house. I have one more day and I won’t be seeing him again for months. If ever.

OP posts:
SecretWitch · 09/08/2024 02:45

Are you certain he isn't married? Please don't think I'm being snarky. It's one of the things that crossed my mind when it happened to me.

I'm afraid he really is not that in to you. Men who are interested move mountains to spend time with people they want to.

Original poster
Boredlord129 · 09/08/2024 02:47

Exactly. If he was into me he would be letting me know I could make my way to him. Not leaving me to sit and wonder what the plan is.

i don’t think he’s married. I think he just had enough I guess. I don’t know why he would ask me to stay with him in that case but hey

OP posts:
MidnightMeltdown · 09/08/2024 03:03

You are 'back in his country'? So you don't even live in the same country?! Why on earth are you wasting your time on a man who doesn't even live in the same country as you?

He probably has a partner but sniffing around in case there was a chance of a hookup

SecretWitch · 09/08/2024 03:07

Boredlord129 · 09/08/2024 02:47

Exactly. If he was into me he would be letting me know I could make my way to him. Not leaving me to sit and wonder what the plan is.

i don’t think he’s married. I think he just had enough I guess. I don’t know why he would ask me to stay with him in that case but hey

Im sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you had a nice time together but seems like he isn't interested in taking it further.

Original poster
Boredlord129 · 09/08/2024 03:09

I don’t see it as wasting time. I work in the country every couple of months. I really got on with him, we liked each other. I appreciate it won’t be a real relationship but I would like him to at least want to spend time with me and like me

OP posts:
emelina15 · 09/08/2024 03:35

That's strange, especially if you've been talking every day. Maybe he chickened out?

Original poster
Boredlord129 · 09/08/2024 03:40

We’ve already spent 4 days of the week together, the next three we said we would do our own thing. He said he wanted to see me and asked me to stay in his house

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 09/08/2024 03:48

Him not feeling the need to spend every possible minute with you that he can isn’t the same as not being into you and wanting to forget the whole thing.

I think you are dramatising the situation but TBH it’s probably best to end it as if you are this intense about missing out on a couple of hours together, I doubt a long distance relationship is going to work out.

Worriedpanda50 · 09/08/2024 03:51

It's one of those 50/50 situations where you can't read minds and just have decide either how you want to be treated or whether it's all ok with you.

YouZirName · 09/08/2024 03:59

CheekyHobson · 09/08/2024 03:48

Him not feeling the need to spend every possible minute with you that he can isn’t the same as not being into you and wanting to forget the whole thing.

I think you are dramatising the situation but TBH it’s probably best to end it as if you are this intense about missing out on a couple of hours together, I doubt a long distance relationship is going to work out.

Agreed.

OP you sound too full on, poor guy probably just needed a break after work ffs.

AquaFurball · 09/08/2024 04:06

Sounds like he told you what you wanted to hear while he was having a good time off work. He doesn't really want you coming to his house or he would have made sure to arrange it properly.

Original poster
Boredlord129 · 09/08/2024 04:06

He’s more than allowed a break. He could have messaged when he finished asking for a rain check. He could have just not invited me in the first place. Rather than leave me to wait for him to tell me it’s okay to leave. He’s now messaging me to come round his house

OP posts:
Dibbydoos · 09/08/2024 04:16

@Boredlord129 I hope you managed to fill your time doing fun stuff.

It sounds disappointing to me, too. Why invite you then not communicate?!

I know that if I really like someone, I would spend all my time with them - it was like that with the man I married - but reading other responses clearly it's not like that for everyone....

I'd suggest cooling it all down. He may not be worth it but you never know. The ball is in his court, but even if he takes the initiative and throws you the ball, you don't have to touch it, so to speak.

JMSA · 09/08/2024 04:19

Yeah, it's not great that he kept you waiting around all day without communicating a plan.
Ultimately though, I don't think you're going to be compatible anyway, particularly with the distance.

CheekyHobson · 09/08/2024 04:50

So he is inviting you over as discussed, just later in the day than you expected?

daisychain01 · 09/08/2024 05:03

I wouldn't get overinvested, he doesn't seem that interested. You'll probably find he will continue to give mixed messages, leave you guessing whether he does or doesn't like you.

go with how he's behaving now, at the early stages of your "relationship". It won't get any better. He seems to call the shots and you have to hang around waiting for his next move. Not good.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 09/08/2024 05:45

Is this the bloke you booked flights to go and see without actually agreeing it with him?

Waterboatlass · 09/08/2024 06:00

Why were you waiting all day? Surely you had an idea he'd probably finish in the evening at some point?

People always say 'he's married' on here. Doesn't matter what the issue is. He could be but you've been a bit full on with your expectations here, waiting around

I'd cancel, you live in separate countries and your expectations seem off.

He may have been happy enough to see you but not wildly enthusiastic due to distance hence flaking there at the end. I think that's understandable though quite rude. Doesn't sound like he'd made any promises longer term so just take it on the chin. It sounds like more of a fling than a potential relationship. Ok, he's not moving mountains but can you honestly say you'd be if someone lived overseas and you'd only met a couple of times through work? You don't say what age you are but past say, 30, many many people have been bitten by impractical relationships and won't turn down a bit of nice company but have no appetite to get too involved. Try not to take it personally

Lilliesandjasmine · 09/08/2024 06:20

Did you not have stuff to do, why were you waiting around like that, and then want to dump him as you didn’t get to go. All sounds a bit much to me.

Original poster
Boredlord129 · 09/08/2024 13:14

He told me he finished at 3pm. 3pm came and went, so I asked him what time he finished. He then said a few hours later, that’s when I said oh let me know when you finish then. He was asking me all last night to go and see him, but I said no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boredlord129 · 09/08/2024 13:15

And I did have things to do but I expected us to meet up for 3 so I didn’t go too far

OP posts:
Suusue · 09/08/2024 13:28

I think that you know he's not into you. If he were nothing would have kept him away. Don't contact him again. Preserve your dignity.

Whothefuckdoesthat · 09/08/2024 13:30

He told you he had to work late and he spent time trying to convince you to go to his after he’d finished work. Respectfully, what do you want from him? Blood? You live in different countries; if he’s seeing this as a casual thing, he may not have realised you were taking it more seriously than him.

Would I be unreasonable to text him to say I enjoyed our time but I’d like to leave things here Yes, you would be unreasonable. Why do you feel the need to say anything at all? Is it so you feel like you’re the one in control because you’ve been the one to end it? Because that’s not how it’s coming across. You sound like you’re in a strop because he didn’t text you at 3 on the dot. So if you’re trying to retain your dignity, that message will achieve the opposite. If you think he’s not that into you and not treating your time with respect, then you don’t need to give him any sort of closure. Just don’t contact him again.