To think this is not acceptable behaviour from a dad to his 8 year old son...?

[planAplanB]

• Shouting at child in anger
• Tapping child's bottom with his hand
• Grabbing child's wrists to get him off the sofa and move him towards the door
• Calling child stupid
• Claiming his mothers parenting 'lets him get away with bad behaviour'
• Chasing child in anger around island in the kitchen shouting for him to go to his room.

I know that the above behaviour is not acceptable from an adult to their child but can anyone else tell me if their husband also does this?

It was horrible to witness. I intervened to remove husbands hands from child's wrists. Older child also witnessed this.

Shouting in anger - not great parenting, but occasional loss of cool resulting in a sharp "stop that!" is human. Yelling aggressively up in a childs face is not.
Physically moving child is only OK in an emergency or extreme situation. It teaches child nothing other than theyre smaller than Dad, and scares them. Also ridiculous to do this as one day they'll be far too big to be dragged around.
Chasing them around the kitchen in anger is horrible, also pointless.
Calling child "stupid" not acceptable, saying "stop being silly" or "think what you're doing..." is ok.
Telling child their mother is a rubbish parent (ie lets them away with bad behaviour) is nasty. Sounds like you cant be together, so need to reach an agreement on some boundaries then have a "no, not when I'm looking after you" type scenario. EG "Parent A lets me play online all day" gets "well, I'm not Parent A, so now its getting put away".

My son is 8 next month and I agree with this.

No - my DH has shouted at our teens occasionally, but I’ve shouted worse, I have to admit. He never shouted at them when they were young and he has never hit them or grabbed them.

There are no men in my life who would use their greater size and strength to intimidate and chastise a smaller weaker person. Men know very well that physically they have the upper hand over women and children, and are able to exploit that if they choose. Decent ones make sure they never do. Never. No exceptions, no grey areas.

Mine did. Although more often than every couple of months. I'd say he would be doing one of these things at least twice a week. I've left him because of it. Wish I'd left sooner. (Kids a bit younger than yours).

Hey Op, I’m so sorry you and your kids are going through this, it’s unacceptable.
It’s not as simple as just splitting though, he will get court ordered contact if he wants it and then you won’t be there to protect your kids. I hate to put it so bluntly, but this is not a simple situation.
it might be a good idea to get family law legal advice on this before you make further moves, it may be that you can gather evidence that might help. I have spent a lot of time in the family court system and from experience I would say that a direct access barrister is better than a solicitor. they are cheaper and better informed as they actually work on the front line. I can recommend a very good one if you want to pm me

Why is your child being asked to go to his room and why isn't he doing it?

Shouting at child in anger

• we probably do all shout at our kids at some point, but there's a big difference between shouting to get their attention and shouting because you've lost control yourself.

• Tapping child's bottom with his hand

• physical violence I never OK again anyone

• Grabbing child's wrists to get him off the sofa and move him towards the door

• very few occasions when I might grab, eg. If they were attacking sibling and wouldn't stop, so I had to physically remove them. Only as a last resort.

• Calling child stupid

• not OK, though I am guilty of saying "that was stupid" when referring to something they have done. Silly would be a better word to use thought.

• Claiming his mothers parenting 'lets him get away with bad behaviour'

• in a private conversation with mother, I'd say it's OK to share views on parenting. Bad mouthing the other parent to get kid, not OK.

• Chasing child in anger around island in the kitchen shouting for him to go to his room.

• depends how angry the "in anger" is. Sending kids to their room for bad behaviour isn't unreasonable (though not my preferred strategy). If the kid runs off instead of going when told, then I can see why he would chase, so probably depends what happened before and after.

Sorry OP no none of this has ever happened in my house. Yes we’ve both shouted at the kids but never called them stupid, not any of the other stuff too.

And yes I would be out of the door by now- either you need to get him out or sell something and rent for a few months whilst your divorce is finalised.

Of course it's not good behaviour. One point though, why didn't your son obeyed his father when told to go his room?

The posters having a go at op and instructing her to 'safeguard' her child from its father...how do you suggest she does this? If they split the father will have unsupervised access to the child because, like it or not, none of these behaviours will be on a courts radar for preventing contact.
Obviously it's horrible behaviour but it's not bad enough to withhold contact in the eyes of a family court so simply 'packing a bag and protecting your child' isn't very realistic in the long run.
Op I suggest you talk calmly to your dh and explain that your dc won't be small always. If he continues to intimidate and upset him in this way there's a good chance he won't want to have contact with him when he's older and by that point it will be his choice.
I know what it's like to co parent with someone whose views and parenting style is very different to yours. It's awful. You should never have to feel like you have to protect your child from their other parent.

I've just spoken quietly to husband to ask if he's going to have a conversation with our son this morning about last night. Husband said that he didn't do anything. When I said that it was wrong that he'd grab he'd his wrists, called him stupid and chased him in anger, he said that he simple met our child with the same response and it was not unreasonable. I literally don't know what to do. I told him that he was the adult and he was out of control. Husband then went on to say, well DS was shouting and hit me, like it was an excuse. I'm currently running the kids a bath with the intention of driving them to my mums house today. She's an hour away.

Yes there are other dads who do these things. They’re nasty bastards too.
Why are you trying to minimise this?

Its not acceptable
DH grew up with an alcoholic father who shouted a lot and was occasionally physically violent as well and he has never touched either of the DC in anger. In fact he still upsets himself remembering the time he put DD in her bouncy chair a bit roughly when he was at the end of his sleep deprived tether with her.
Its good that you are going to your Mums but unfortunately he is likely to get unsupervised time with the DC in the future

I hate the word 'tapping', it doesn't change the fact an adult has hit a child regardless of what word you use. I think people use this word to make them feel better about witnessing (or carrying out) abuse.

Other dads do this but that doesn’t make it ok. My stepdad was one of those dads and my mum turned a blind eye and blamed me if pushed on it.

It impacted me well beyond childhood - when I was younger I had emotionally and physically abusive partners. I had to learn what a healthy relationship was because I thought fear, belittling comments and violence were part of love. I still jump easily at loud noises or unexpected movements, 20+ years later. My relationship with my mum is permanently impacted by her failure to protect me - she is not a person I can be open or close with because I don’t feel safe with her.

Your son’s deserve a safe home where they’re protected from an adult’s inability to regulate his emotions. You need to start dialogue with them now about his unacceptable behaviour too - once you’re divorced you won’t be there to see it and if they think it’s normal they may not tell you.

It's not about minimising it. But what can she do? It's horrible but not illegal. She can and probably should leave him but it won't stop him treating the child like this. If anything he'll have free rein to do it without his mother being there to step in. It's an awful situation.

Husband needs to apologise for his incredibly awful behaviour. The poor children. Yes adults get angry and he sounds very stressed - but he can't take this out on those who he is meant to protect. It's not on.

He must apologise to them. Speak to children and say dad's behaviour isn't right.

Then ask your husband to seek some help. People get stressed and do things they shouldn't, but that's his children and he has to help himself to be a better person.

Your husband needs to have a radical rethink. Somewhere along his journey to becoming an adult male he failed to take on board the essential life lesson, that with greater physical strength comes great responsibility, for self control, for active restraint and gentleness. He simply cannot go around indulging his anger in any way he sees fit as he will intimidate and hurt people. If he isn't willing to accept this most basic of truths, then unfortunately there is no hope and he cannot be trusted around a child.

He should also be reminded that this type of 'discipline' is a temporary 'privilege'. Before long it's likely his son will be bigger stronger and fitter than he is. It's rather foolish to establish a dynamic where by the most able male controls through anger and violence. I've seen this backfire very badly on fathers of sons.

My dad was like this so it sounds normal to me (90s child).

Apart from calling him stupid, nothing too bad.

Do you have children? Would you really be happy to watch their other parent do the things OP outlined in her post, just because your dad did similar?

It’s not your fault. It’s not easy leaving and accepting abuse either. So give yourself some credit for recognising this and seeking ways to help you and your children.

Dont take any blame for this yourself. And you are not alone. We’ve got your back.