Shit therapy

[ThelittleBee]

Anyone else been threw therapy/ a counselor and just felt like you are filling air for an hour? I have seen one in the past that I felt gave me perspective and right now the one I am seeing seems to just want me to talk for an hour when I really want advice or just something other then me repeating myself for a solid hour each and every week. I have started resented going but don't know how to tell her that she's not helping me in the slightest? For context I am trying to deal with grief, Taking things personally and being a huge people pleaser and each week she just seems to be completely silent! Last week I tried seeing how long it would take for her to say something and it was a solid 3 minutes of silence before she asked me... 'What else is troubling you?'. Lady, I have told you for over a month and she gives me literally NOTHING back. Any advice on how to say this to her from a people pleaser who hates confrontation ha!

Sack her. She's not working for you so find another therapist.

I've had some poor therapists in the past but finally have one who is helping. I really think you need to dump her and find another. From a fellow people pleaser who is only just finding out why I act the way I do! Good luck.

You need to try someone else I think. I'm sorry for your loss.

How do I even tell her in a way that doesnt ramp my anxiety back up to 11?

I think two things can be true at the same time with this post. 1) the relationship isn't working for you and 2) therapists aren't supposed to offer advice, instead create the space for the client to come to their own conclusions. Offering advice actually goes against many of their ethical codes. There's a 3rd point here too where confrontation can feel daunting, and yet you deserve to feel supported and heard in your sessions.

Maybe the act of telling her will help build your confidence! Put yourself first. You deserve better.

I would just drop her a message saying you feel like you are looping and going to look into a different therapeutic modality (even if you don’t). Therapists are used to it and will not take it personally. Don’t worry about managing her emotions

Advice may have been the wrong word to use. My last one who is abroad now used to offer me insight, views from outside of my own mind and would give me genuine food for thought. I feel like I see this one just to try and fill time! We spoke about Boney M and seventy's music for like 30 minutes the last time just because she seemed to like that music too! Feels like Im on a bad date

YANBU - that’s how I felt when I went to counselling.

I awkwardly said ‘what do you want me to talk about?’ And she said ‘anything you like.’ So I talked about my childhood because that’s what they do in films and she sat there saying nothing. Pointless. No guidance or follow up questions. Just me chatting random shit. 🙄

There are different schools of therapy and some may suit some people better than others. There are also some bad or ineffective therapists out there.
Personally I spent some time (and money!) years ago seeing a therapist whose approach was lie on the couch and say whatever you wanted which resulted in some lengthy silences. She might then say what she thought I was wondering about her and her life. None of this was helpful and when I tried to end therapy she talked me into going back for, I think, several more sessions.
Perhaps time to look for someone else!

Maybe this modality of therapy is not what you need at this time. Look into different types of therapy.

However, it is interesting that you say you are there to work on people pleasing, and you can’t tell the therapist her approach is not working for her because you don’t want to upset her. You appear to be repeating in the therapy room what you do outside of it. That’s the point of therapy. You should tell her you’re unhappy with her approach and also that it’s uncomfortable to say that. See what happens.

Its so frustrating! I'm in the wrong career if that's how easy my job could be! I have seen someone before who genuinely helped me and I left feeling like a load was off but this one feel like she's planning her dinner in her head while I sit there! She's super reactive too which I find unprofessional, gasping at things and shaking her head in judgement about people and the things I say but yet has zero to say about anything. I once said I felt my mother wronged me for something and all she said was 'Well she did!' and that was that! Even though I could even see from my mothers perspective how she might not have! So bad

Just explain that you don't feel it's working out and thank her. That's all you can do. Not easy I know but you are wasting your time and money. Is she a grief counsellor as that seems to be your issue right now?

To me this is a bad sign - therapists should not be letting on details about themselves; the point is that they are a blank canvas, not your new best friend.

I’ve had this and had to end the sessions.
I had a counsellor who just wanted me to chat and offer no advice , (similar to you) so then I had CBT and she did no actual CBT on me and again I just chatted to her. She even said oh I like having you as you’re my easy client.
I did have an excellent life coach and we discussed what was going on and each week
looked at practical ways of helping and it was great.

My friends tell me they have amazing therapists who live elsewhere , so maybe look to move by word of mouth

She listed her specialties as grief and CBT and my doctor recommended finding a CBT specialist as he felt I would benefit most from that I on numerous sessions I have expressed wanting to learn some CBT tools but she has nothing to give me. The last time I asked she explained what CBT was (I was aware) and didnt actually teach me any tools or offer any form of anything really

She sounds rubbish. A CBT approach should include ‘homework’ every week and the next session discussing how it went. You are not getting CBT from her!

Thats how I feel. Each week im trying to think of new things to talk about because she just ignores any true problems I have already spoken about

Second that this is not CBT. In CBT you should have had a formulation, set goals and targets for your therapy, and every session should include a change method for you to practice (or prep for one, like collecting cognitions, looking for triggers, etc etc.). All reputable therapists should be able to accept that some clients will not click with them and should be ok about your wanting to move. Tell her that her style is not suiting you and you will find someone else.

Look on this as a good chance to challenge your people pleasing. It is not your job to make her happy. It is her job to help you. If what is offers is not helping, you are entitled to go elsewhere. It is also her job to manage her feelings about it, if she has any.

I tried a counsellor after my DH died. Worse than useless. I sorted out what I needed to get through the days and nights. It wasn’t counselling.

Maybe you need a coach not a counsellor. Everyone bangs on about checking people are qualified and it grates every time I read it. I dropped out of my counselling qualification as it was dire; the training is exactly how you describe: nothing remotely helpful, no feedback allowed. It’s fine if that’s what you’re after, some people do just want to offload and that’s it.
I’ve studied psychology, child psychology, psychotherapeutic counselling and NLP. I am not a qualified counsellor! I know two qualified counsellors very well, and I couldn’t cope being counselled by either of them.
There is someone different for everyone, and you may have to kiss a few frogs as it were. I’m quite straight talking and will listen, but also give feedback, as questions and challenge if appropriate. The idea of paying for a nodding dog would drive me nuts.

True! I need to grow some balls and tell her. Shes 100% not able to give me any CBT approach by the looks and she strikes me more as the type who just deals with talk therapy for people who struggle with opening up. Although I find that even hard to believe as she offers literally nothing to me even when I only talk

I think the style of therapy she offers is probably just not what you're looking for. Some therapists don't really give advice, as such, and are all about saying almost nothing and just letting the client talk.

I'm sure that's good for some clients, but - like you - I would just find it really annoying. I had two sessions with a counsellor like that when I was younger and I pretty much just ghosted her after that because I hated it so much!

Edited to add - I have also had a really good therapist who was much more proactive in asking me questions and offering her thoughts and advice, and she also took me through CBT techniques and gave me tasks to do between sessions. She was brilliant. So there probably is a better therapist out there who would be better for you.

Its not a great experience, especially when it has taken me so much courage to face up to the fact that I probably should seek help. I feel like she's probably made my stress and anxiety's worse because of the fact I feel no benefits and its costing me time and money

Therapists are trained to be comfortable with silence, and to use it as a way to give you space to talk. However, they are also trained (and supervised) to do the best thing for you, so they should be able to take feedback. You could perhaps try some questions or gentle reflections when they ask "what would you like to talk about this week", you could say "actually I'm having some doubts about therapy and I'd like to explore those with you please", then let them know exactly what you've said here and see how they reply - some therapist will really resist 'giving advice', they don't see that as their role, but your therapist should be able to explain their approach with you - or agree to bring things to a close so you can find someone you're more comfortable with.