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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shit therapy

36 replies

ThelittleBee · 08/08/2024 16:25

Anyone else been threw therapy/ a counselor and just felt like you are filling air for an hour? I have seen one in the past that I felt gave me perspective and right now the one I am seeing seems to just want me to talk for an hour when I really want advice or just something other then me repeating myself for a solid hour each and every week. I have started resented going but don't know how to tell her that she's not helping me in the slightest? For context I am trying to deal with grief, Taking things personally and being a huge people pleaser and each week she just seems to be completely silent! Last week I tried seeing how long it would take for her to say something and it was a solid 3 minutes of silence before she asked me... 'What else is troubling you?'. Lady, I have told you for over a month and she gives me literally NOTHING back. Any advice on how to say this to her from a people pleaser who hates confrontation ha!

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 08/08/2024 17:06

ThelittleBee · 08/08/2024 16:55

True! I need to grow some balls and tell her. Shes 100% not able to give me any CBT approach by the looks and she strikes me more as the type who just deals with talk therapy for people who struggle with opening up. Although I find that even hard to believe as she offers literally nothing to me even when I only talk

Ok - many bits to this, and dont want to be unduly nitpicky but there are some real misperceptions of therapy and it is helpful to be clear about things when you are looking for a new therapist.

Most psychotherapy is talk therapy to be honest, including CBT - EMDR is an exception to this. Creative therapy, drama therapy, dance therapy, equine assisted therapy are non talk therapies. But if you are sitting talking to someone in a room, it is talk therapy. I seem lots of people - even health professionals and GPs use this incorrectly.

Some types of talk therapy come from the psychoanalytic tradition, where the therapists job is to listen to you without providing direction or advice. Other types will incorporate more problem solving or practical approaches. Its a good idea to ask someone what primary modality they use, the theoretical approach that informs their work, and what their expectations are of you in therapy.

Lots of people say they do CBT when what they mean is they use some worksheets and know what CBT means. Some people use CBT but learning how to do this is their only experience of doing therapy (lots of IAPT staff are retrained nurses, OTs or other people who have top up training in delivering CBT). IME, while some of these are good they are not really psychotherapists and are limited in what they can do and offer. That may suit what you need, in which case great. If not, there are CBT therapists who are primarily psychotherapists (their training and background is providing therapy, and they have usually come through psychology training routes) - they will often have experience in using several types of therapy, but CBT underpins their approach. They can help with a wider range of problems than the other kind of CBT therapist.

I would look for someone who is accredited through the BABCP. They have a register of therapists.

Take care.

Letgoofitall · 08/08/2024 17:08

PinkWatermelon88 · 08/08/2024 16:31

I think two things can be true at the same time with this post. 1) the relationship isn't working for you and 2) therapists aren't supposed to offer advice, instead create the space for the client to come to their own conclusions. Offering advice actually goes against many of their ethical codes. There's a 3rd point here too where confrontation can feel daunting, and yet you deserve to feel supported and heard in your sessions.

I'm not sure this is strictly true; I think different modalities have different approaches. It could be that the OP's therapist is psychoanalytical old-school where there is a lot of silence and the client leads the session. I've done lots of that. Currently, I have a transpersonal, Jungian therapist and its much more conversational and she will be clear with her thoughts.

Charlize43 · 08/08/2024 17:09

Is she a Freudian? They can often be quite frosty.

Sounds like you need a grief counsellor, I would seek another therapist.

Letgoofitall · 08/08/2024 17:10

Atethehalloweenchocs · 08/08/2024 17:06

Ok - many bits to this, and dont want to be unduly nitpicky but there are some real misperceptions of therapy and it is helpful to be clear about things when you are looking for a new therapist.

Most psychotherapy is talk therapy to be honest, including CBT - EMDR is an exception to this. Creative therapy, drama therapy, dance therapy, equine assisted therapy are non talk therapies. But if you are sitting talking to someone in a room, it is talk therapy. I seem lots of people - even health professionals and GPs use this incorrectly.

Some types of talk therapy come from the psychoanalytic tradition, where the therapists job is to listen to you without providing direction or advice. Other types will incorporate more problem solving or practical approaches. Its a good idea to ask someone what primary modality they use, the theoretical approach that informs their work, and what their expectations are of you in therapy.

Lots of people say they do CBT when what they mean is they use some worksheets and know what CBT means. Some people use CBT but learning how to do this is their only experience of doing therapy (lots of IAPT staff are retrained nurses, OTs or other people who have top up training in delivering CBT). IME, while some of these are good they are not really psychotherapists and are limited in what they can do and offer. That may suit what you need, in which case great. If not, there are CBT therapists who are primarily psychotherapists (their training and background is providing therapy, and they have usually come through psychology training routes) - they will often have experience in using several types of therapy, but CBT underpins their approach. They can help with a wider range of problems than the other kind of CBT therapist.

I would look for someone who is accredited through the BABCP. They have a register of therapists.

Take care.

Oh, I wouldn't have posted if I hadn't crossed messages with you. You're spot on.

DailyDoily · 08/08/2024 17:12

Just a quickie - Jungian therapy is a psychoanalytical approach. And person-centred (non-psychoanalytical) approaches tend to be even more led by the client (with less therapist intervention) than psychoanalytical.

If you haven't researched modalities or had any experience of therapy before I wouldn't get too hung up on what modality to choose - you do though need to try therapists until you find one who's approach suits you and what you need right now. It might take a few until you get there...but there will be one.

Turophilic · 08/08/2024 17:13

CBT and brief counselling are separate strands in my (admittedly limited) experience. Grief counselling did involve a lot of space for me to say things, some of those reflected back at me. CBT was altogether more practical and directed.

When you said in a PP that your mother did something that harmed you and your therapist agreed, that was a lot more valid of the therapist than justifying your mother's behaviour to you. You've already got an internal narrative to excuse your mother. It can be rather shocking to have someone hear what happened and say "yes, your mother let you down then," when you're expecting your hurt to be minimised or dismissed.

Your mother DID harm you. All mothers and fathers do; that doesn't mean it was malicious. It also doesn't mean they were bad parents or you are a bad child for realising it and acknowledging it.

When we are processing grief it can feel even more unacceptable to see their faults or failings. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't, nor does it mean your therapist is undermining you.

If this counsellor isn't working out, it's OK to say so. It's also OK to do that by email if you'd prefer.

I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you well.

Omnium · 08/08/2024 17:13

I know just what you mean. I had 6 months of weekly sessions. At the beginning, I had a lot to say... but I was just recounting all the bad things that have happened in my life. Then, as she continued to insist that I "take the lead", I started to lie awake the night before, wondering what on earth I could talk about. I'd told her all my shit.

I wanted, not advice as such, but direction. Or some kind of insight or analysis. Some suggestion from her about how i might move forward, or what was holding me back. Instead I just rambled on inanely for an hour and then went home.

I quit quite suddenly. I took the easy way out- just told her she'd helped a lot, I was feeling much better, and had gone as far as I felt able to at that time.

Charlize43 · 08/08/2024 17:16

ThelittleBee · 08/08/2024 16:45

She listed her specialties as grief and CBT and my doctor recommended finding a CBT specialist as he felt I would benefit most from that I on numerous sessions I have expressed wanting to learn some CBT tools but she has nothing to give me. The last time I asked she explained what CBT was (I was aware) and didnt actually teach me any tools or offer any form of anything really

She can't be CBT as you are given a series of tasks to complete and a lot of homework; for example, activity sheets to complete by the hour; weekly questionnaires, etc. CBT is quite pro active and progress driven.

Bluebunnylover · 08/08/2024 17:17

There’s a major difference between a counsellor and a psychologist as the later has a degree in psychology whereas the former could have only completed a six week course. I think that yours falls in the counsellor bracket as doesn’t sound very professional what with all the gasping and judging.

id look for an alternative therapist who can give you the alternative outlook to ponder on.

FatArse123 · 08/08/2024 17:26

No counsellor can qualify to be a member of the BACP or NCPS (standard governing bodies) on a six week training. It is at least 3 years.

imaginationhasfailedme · 08/08/2024 19:14

I'm a counsellor and if she was mine, I'd probably sack her off and find another. Have a look on counselling directory (I believe all counsellors on there have to be a member of one of the membership groups - there are no governing bodies as such) and maybe look for those who offer a free ten/fifteen minute call. Let them know what you want from therapy in that time and ask them how they work. If you want advice or solution focused, look for those that offer it.

I specifically don't offer CBT and make that clear, I'm definitely talking therapy but with a bit of challenging along the way. I'll also ask if someone is happy with me "just listening" (it's never really just listening, or shouldn't be) or whether they want me to encourage them to see alternatives to their narrative.

She's likely just not the therapist for you but the right one is out there.

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