Concerned about anal sex

[embarrassingadvice]

Not really sure what I’m asking or how to say this, but to get straight to the point, my partner and I occasionally have had anal sex throughout our relationship, it’s always been consensual. I am aware many women don’t like it or find it degrading but it’s something that, if I am very in the mood, I do enjoy - but only when I am very much in the mood for it and am ‘warmed up’ if that makes sense. I should also add that I have IBD, so it’s not a very regular occurrence and doesn’t always last very long.

But I’m concerned about my partner’s ‘interest’ in it.

Over the last couple of months, he has attempted to initiate it quite a lot, especially more than usual. He has always had quite a love for my bum, it’s all he wants to touch during sex and even when we start rather than spending a lot of time kissing etc, he will turn me around in the spooning position and place his penis in that area and kiss my back instead. And when we do have sex, it’s always when I’m on my front or ‘doggy style’ (hate that term).

He has done this a lot recently, and I have told him we aren’t doing it. He always says ok and respects that and we do it the ’normal way’ but it hasn’t stopped him from initiating the next time and the next.

Last night we did it for the first time in a while, we hadn’t had sex for a week because he has been unwell, and so I was sexually frustrated. But it was different, he turned me onto my front and put fingers in there quite roughly and ended up putting three in - sounds very odd but I didn’t realise until he said ‘that’s three’ and I stopped it because it started to hurt. We then had anal sex which probably lasted about 2-3 minutes before he finished. It was rough but again it was consensual sex and if I had said stop he would have stopped it. So it is on me.

Today I have the worst stomach with lower abdominal and lower back pain, it actually hurts to go to the toilet.

It’s not just that though. I’m concerned about his what seems like almost something he prefers over regular sex, and to try to initiate it almost every time is concerning me.

I have asked him whether it’s something he prefers and he said no because it ‘hurts’ sometimes. I’ve also asked if he might be bi/gay and he said absolutely not. He doesn’t watch porn (this is something I’m absolutely certain of) but I know he did before we were together.

I just don’t know whether it’s something I should be concerned about/if there’s something going on but alongside being concerned it makes me feel like he’s not attracted to any other part of my body and can feel quite disconnecting when it’s all done from behind.

Please no judgment, this is something that is really sensitive but I didn’t know where else to ask and don’t want to be judged irl. I know many people don’t like it also.

Well wrap me in Victorian doilies and call me a prude, but I can't see how vocalising that you've forced 3 fingers into your partner's arse is sexy.

Well perhaps it is normal communication in your sex life.
You are projecting your sexual practices and communication on to OP and her partner.
She made it very clear when she described the incident that firstly ,she didn't know that he was going to perform that act on her and, secondly, it was not normal for him to describe what he was doing

I certainly don't consider myself as over reacting. I do consider myself as not being naive.

My ex was something like this. A thing that should of been a once in a while thing he became obsessed about and put the pressure for more, I swore I would never do it again when I left him although he was abusive so I have no experience of doing it with someone I trust.
I don't think your problem is anal sex as such, I think your problem is that he's thoughts and wishes for anal sex are now dominating your sex life to the point he's not even consulting you as to what you want anymore, the fact he doesn't ask and you need to tell him each time in itself is degrading.
I can only say that if you can't start having proper conversations about this that its not going to get any better, and if he won't engage then its not worth staying with him.

I worry about younger women who seem to accept this.i may be missing something but I cannot see what's in it for women. Little chance of orgasim. Risk ro analysis tissue. Just gross.sex and the city showed women living the dream .now more of a nightmare, ! I would consider your RL .he doesn't seem to care about you

I worry about younger women who seem to accept this

Yep. I'm in my 50's and sex has changed since I was young. Back then anal was still seen as niche and things like choking were almost non existent. And I was quite promiscuous when I was young so it's not as if I didn't have much experience.

I found myself back in the dating pool in my mid 40s and God it was shocking! I was dating in my own age group but I quickly discovered that times have changed and men want what I am not willing to give! I'd rather never have sex again than do some of the things men seem to expect as their "right" now.

When I was young I did sometimes give partners BJs. I never enjoyed it. It always made me feel a bit sick. But I felt the pressure of it being a "normal" act that many other women did so I felt I had to do it. Now there's so many things seen as part of "normal" sex and that's where the pressure comes from. There's this whole thing about not "shaming" people for this and that but the flipside of that is women feeling pressured into stuff they wouldn't otherwise choose to do. I wish now I hadn't done anything I didn't want to do but that pressure is powerful. No one wants to be seen as being "shit in bed".

Ironically, many men are now shit in bed! Like OPs partner! They're selfish and think only about their pleasure and see women as little more than blow up dolls. It's depressing.

Hello, sorry for the silence Ive been distracted with work. Im going to sit down and talk to him tomorrow.

Im on the sofa currently with a hot water bottle because my lower abdomen is in agony and I’m starting to feel quite worried

I agree wholeheartedly that both partners only do what they are comfortable with. I suspect most of us will have indulged certain sexual activities that do nothing for themselves but are a turn on for their partner. That isn't to say that is wrong providing it works both ways.

Other than choking which carries so many dangers, I'd consider oral especially and anal probably fairly vanila. But not wanting to do it is entirely correct for some people.

I'm just turned 50 and have practiced a myriad of different sexual activities over the years. Many of which at the suggestion of a female partner. I do suspect more of us grown adults are quite open in sharing the sexual things we like, and are mature enough not to judge but still deny forms of sex we wouldn't like.

God help you OP, I am so sorry you are in such pain.
I think you need to seek medical attention and ring 111 and explain your pain to them.

I am so sorry that some posters think his performing this act on you without your consent is acceptable and normal.

There is something very off about his preferences that seem completely disconnected to you as an individual.

You have been treated as an orifice by him.

That is not a loving relationship, and now you are injured.

Posters insisting that a partner who insists on anal sex and prefers your back to them, performs sex acts that injure you are normal heterosexual behaviour are deluded.

He sounds like a deeply selfish man who likely has a porn habit, possibly bi, but definitely not the least bit concerned with your pleasure and safety.

You have been injured by him violating you.
I think you should consider contacting 111 and seeking advice.

This is not someone you should be putting yourself in this position again.

He has hurt you.
Good men do not do that.
Seek medical advice.

He doesn't sound at all considerate of you, if you don't enjoy anal then you shouldn't ever feel you need to consent to it - I hope you got some sleep and feel better

Anal is ‘vanilla’ now? Jesus, those boundaries just keep getting pushed don’t they.

"Vanilla" is now just a shame-word for the old "frigid" or "prude" to make people (well, women) feel inadequate if they don't want to do some sex acts. It's not tolerated to kink shame anybody for anything, but pressuring women to deep throat, do anal or be strangled using this kind of language is completely fine.

My ex H used to whine and nag about anal sex all the time. Deeply unsexy and put me right off him and off sex with him altogether.

His loss though as I’ve always enjoyed it on occasion. DP doesn’t nag. We have anal sex every few weeks or so. Sometimes I ask him to stop as it starts to feel awful. Not painful but just horrible. He stops immediately and doesn’t complain.

My ex was like this, always wanting it anally but I didn’t like it. The sex became more rough too, he once slapped me round the face 😱. Another time I said a clear no to anal but he forced himself on me anyway, it was really upsetting. Turns out he’d been watching a lot of porn and a lot of it was quite violent. if your partner is into sex then he’ll watch porn 100%. That shouldn’t matter unless it’s influencing how he perceives you during sex.

Talk to your partner and tell him how this makes you feel. I’m sure he doesn’t want you to feel like this. And as others have said, anal should only happen when you initiate it.

OP are you alright? I hope you got some medical attention. That doesn't sound right at all.