DH & date nights

[Modestandatinybitsexy]

I'm prepared to get flamed here. I don't have much to complain about DH, he pulls his weight with the house, is an excellent father to our dc (5&7) and is ambitious work wise and earns 10x what I do.

In January he started a job which takes him away 1-2 nights a week. He doesn't like to be away from us and complains about it. It is a lot of travel and seems lonely, I'm also lonely at home and am obviously default parent - I which I am most of the time as I work pt term time so we don't pay childcare.

It's the middle of the summer holidays, I'm unwell with a horrible cold and I'm grumpy and today I started an argument about going out. He asked how often and I suggested maybe once a month or every other month which I don't think is unreasonable?

I definitely could have raised it more appropriately but I honestly can't remember the last date night we had. How often do you go out?

When our kids were your age, hardly ever. Maybe twice a year.

Together without other people? Never. We go to a dance class once a week with a friend, but I'm better than him so we are in different rooms 😂
Married 16 years now and I find the whole "date night" thing pretty cringy.
We go out a lot but with other people or the kids.

I'm unwell with a horrible cold and I'm grumpy and today I started an argument about going out.

From everything you've written, your husband is a good husband and father, so starting an argument about date nights is really uncalled for and counterproductive. Apologise to him and work out a plan together.

@Boxina We sometimes go out with the kids but I'm socially awkward and he's a homebody so we don't go out with friends really!

Starting an argument is a stupid way to deal with it. Have you got babysitters whenever you want them? Nothing wrong with a meal out/night out once a month if you can afford it and you have babysitters. Assuming that you both like going out.

So organise something then!

Why be shitty and start an argument, what a way to be romantic!

Suggests some dates, confirm one, book a restaurant and baby sitter.

Married 12 years together 17.
4 kids. (3 are adult now)

7 years into massive house renovation which sucks every ounce of joy, energy and money out of us.

How often do we talk about going out more?
Apx once a week.

How often do we actually go out on a date night?
About twice a year 😂
(usually spured on by something decent on the cinema. Alien coming up ....)

Apologise to him, cook him something nice and book a table for you both somewhere next week.

How often do you go out?
Together? Hardly ever. Don't like to call on PIL to babysit too often. Maybe 2-3 times a year. DC are 8 and 6. We've had two weekends away since they were born together but other breaks with friends separately as well.

Why is it wholly on the op to sort all this though. He does his part as a dad (as he should, not sure why that’s noteworthy) and he works, great. But that doesn’t mean he should forget his wife as an individual, not just as part of the mechanisms of his family. He doesn’t want to be away a couple of nights a week, that’s fair, but he could once in a blue moon think about taking his wife away from home life that she doesn’t get the opportunity to be away from.

Why is it wholly on him?

Why start an argument?

Since OP started the argument, she can organise the first one by of an apology for starting a pointless argument!

We aim for once a month out the house (either the kids stay out or we will put them down and someone will stay with them in our house). We are also aiming for one night a month an in house date night - which sounds silly but just a night of doing something together which isn’t exercise/housework/watching telly. Most recently includes Bob Ross painting night (painting along to a Bob Ross video on YouTube with a bottle of wine), scrabble tournament etc.

out of house dates receny include dinners, aqua park (so much fun!) and a week night quiz at our local pub.

our kids are 6,3,0 - would like it to be more but this is enough for now - we are trying to look after our relationship to ensure it’s still there when the kids grow up and leave home!

We've been married 16 years, one ds. We go out once a month as a couple. Every few months we go out with friends. We place a lot of importance on going out. It's too easy to get stuck in a rut at home.

Your post suggested that the op tell him they’re going on a date, chose the restaurant and organise a babysitter. Reads like all he has to do is turn up, if the op wants to reconnect as a couple then it’s all on her? Rather pointless is it.

But my point is starting an argument is not the way to reconnect, is it?

Surely suggesting a few dates and a plan is better than starting an argument over time spent together?

I’m with @Tagyoureit

The OP is in a shitty mood so deliberately started an argument. It just so happened to be about date nights as that was the first straw she could grasp at, because other than not arranging date nights he sounds pretty decent.

So I agree the OP should apologise and organise the first one - and whilst they’re out on that date and they’re relaxed she can initiate a 2 way conversation about doing it more often, taking it in turns to arrange things, etc.

Rather than snarling at him because she has a cold is is feeling grumpy.

What's the disagreement here? You want to have a datenight once a month and he says no, that's too much?

Every week. For dinner or drinks or both.

No, he didn't like the way I raised it (fair) but said we go out with the kids and he arranged a massage for me when he had a take the kids to work day. He didn't want to rely on family to babysit and thinks the kids need to be older. Then when I responded grumpily about fine I'll have to wait then he walked off. It all feels very unresolved hence my rant here!

I can see both @Tagyoureit and @LostTheMarble's sides of the argument (thanks for your input) when we do go out I arrange for my parents to have the kids, pack the bags, drop them off, book the table etc

It's not often he goes out of his way at all though he says how great I am, he telling me that his new coworkers think I'm amazing (because of the stories with very positive spin) but I don't feel it.

Twice a week just DH and I go out together usually for lunch but occasionally for breakfast or dinner. Our DC are grown up now. We both retired early. We make sure we are having our time whilst still healthy enough to enjoy it. I saw my own Dad retire and die within a year.

We only go out about every other month because we can't afford it!

Generally speaking OP you sound very lucky and wanted a fight because you were in a bad mood.

@TtheC I am probably lucky but I'm also jealous. He gets to go to fancy restaurants on the weekly with work and a night away in a hotel. Yes it's for work and he'd rather be home but once in a while I'd rather be in a hotel!

And I'm not even asking for that! I just want to be taken out for dinner every other month or so.

YANBU to suggest once every month, but as you’ve said yourself you didn’t raise the topic in a good way.

I don’t have kids but I’ve offered to look after my friends kids who don’t have family around so they can go out for an evening without the kids as I know it’s something many couples struggle with.

Instead of arguing about it, both of you need to be productive.

Have you got any childcare? Grandparents or trusted babysitters? Plan a monthly date night.

It really depends on circumstances, some people don’t have anyone to look after the kids so date nights are rare. If you’ve got someone who will have the kids once a month or two then utilise that.