DH & date nights

[Modestandatinybitsexy]

I'm prepared to get flamed here. I don't have much to complain about DH, he pulls his weight with the house, is an excellent father to our dc (5&7) and is ambitious work wise and earns 10x what I do.

In January he started a job which takes him away 1-2 nights a week. He doesn't like to be away from us and complains about it. It is a lot of travel and seems lonely, I'm also lonely at home and am obviously default parent - I which I am most of the time as I work pt term time so we don't pay childcare.

It's the middle of the summer holidays, I'm unwell with a horrible cold and I'm grumpy and today I started an argument about going out. He asked how often and I suggested maybe once a month or every other month which I don't think is unreasonable?

I definitely could have raised it more appropriately but I honestly can't remember the last date night we had. How often do you go out?

On average we got out once a fortnight book stuff like concert that the kids can’t do!

But you benefit very well from his good job with his salary.

My DH gets to go to dinners and stay in hotels, I wish I could do that! But I don't do the same (hard) job as him and nor do I want to, so I don't get that.

I do however benefit from his decent salary. I think you're being a bit of a brat tbh.

YANBU @Modestandatinybitsexy. You were wrong to raise it as part of an argument, which you've already acknowledged, but it's completely reasonable to want to go out with your husband for a nice meal once a month, and worth paying for a babysitter.

If he thinks your DC are too young to leave (really?! They're not babies!) then you could have a special meal at home instead - put away your phones, dress up a bit and he can cook something nice.

I can totally relate to how you are feeling. It sounds like whilst your husband is a good dad and works hard he doesn't want to spend 1-1 quality time with you, it isn't his priority. I would be upset be this.

I have two kids younger than yours but my husband always jumps at the chance of organising a romantic weekend away for just me and him. If you had no family that could babysit then it's obviously different but from what you've said it sounds more like he doesn't ask.

When mine were that age we had a baby sitter once a week. It was a midweek day and we did different stuff - bowling, cycling, pub, cinema, dinner. If dh was away I just went and did something with friends or alone. That midweek break from doing only mum stuff really helped me.

So I think if I were you I would investigate finding a non family regular sitter. You could always use them on the night your dh is away for work and do something for you.

you raised date nights to kick start an argument op

and then got pissed off he wasn’t enthused

do you work? have colleagues? any friends good enough to go out with?

I jokingly/arsily said if you ever take me out while we were having lunch. He then got very defensive and said we take the kids out. I said it's not the same as 1:1 time and then he raised the babysitting issue.

I have a school hours term time job so we pay no child care and though he sometimes takes the kids to clubs it mainly falls to me.

When our children were small we made an effort to go away together at least twice a year for at least 1 night, sometimes 2. We also went out together at least twice a month, sometimes more.

At some point your children will grow up and leave and if you like and love your husband and still want to be together at that point (you may not!) you need to keep investing in your relationship even while you have small children. Especially when you have small children.

Ours have left home now and we're still happily married and obviously can go out whenever we want - and do - but one of the reasons we survived the baby years and the toddler years and the teenage years and the young adult years is that we made an effort for each other and with each other and prioritised our marriage as much as we prioritised our children because once the kids have gone, that's what you're left with.

The way you brought it up wasn't right, tell him that and apologise but there's nothing wrong with the sentiment imo.

We take our baby with us everywhere. Date night is whenever she is asleep and we can get it on

jokingly/arsily

No op. you were grumpy and in a mood. There was no “joking” about it

He responded in kind

We don't go out that often on date nights, maybe about 4 times a year. We only have 1 person we can rely on for babysitting, but as they also help out a lot with childcare during the schools holidays , I don't like to ask often.

I'd love to go out more just the 2 of us, but fully accept that's part of parenthood. We do go out separately with friends too, so I have social events with friends where I'm not relying on a babysitter. Do you not have this?

Not the best way to raise it OP but I get where you’re coming from. Easy to lose yourselves in young kids. We were lucky to have in laws close by when ours were young and went out quite a lot. Usually arranged by me!

Now kids have left home he’s still one of my favourite people to go out for a drink with or a meal.

And also, actually, working and being away in a nice hotel with room service and dinners and a good nights sleep is a piece of piss compared to being at home with small children.

you made it about him failing to get the ball rolling on going out the two of you

Also, if you don't pay childcare you probably do have enough to pay a babysitter at least once a month. Do it. Find one, book a restaurant, go out!

This! You were looking for a fight today OP.

It's not the same though is it. You can have a great social life but still need a date with your husband.

My DC are 9 and 7 and I think we’ve had two this year so far? One planned for September but with other people not just us two.

OP is carrying the family load.
It is not too much to want to be taken out for dinner occasionally.

And actually while travelling for work can be tiring, it certainly is easier than juggling work, children, activities, laundry, housework.

After a hard day he can order a nice meal.

Sure he may miss home, but being the parent to a spouse that travels a lot is not fun.

Not unreasonable to want to share a nice meal occasionally.

Hope you feel better soon.

Side issue: I love my work travel and meals out with colleagues. I feel unencumbered and it is a big treat. DH and I didn’t go out at all when kids were younger. Couldn’t afford it (I wasn’t travelling then either). I think there are more issues at play here OP. Talk to your DH about how you are feeling when you aren’t tired and grumpy and go from there (and assuming it’s true, with the explicit starting point that you want to take everyone’s needs into account).

yup

so best not raise it when you’re grumpy and pissed off

I think this was established by the OP in her original post. She said herself she hadnt handled the conversation well as was grumpy so not sure why you feel the need to keep bringing it up. Her post was asking other people's experiences on how often they had date nights.

Cringe to have a night out alone with your partner?