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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To walk away.

34 replies

autism07 · 08/08/2024 08:37

Married 14 year. No kids together. My DH has a 38 year old daughter who has 4 children.
She has always been jealous and never included me in anything. DH has done holidays with them and birthday parties etc.
I am not the OW. DH had been separated from her mum 20 year before i met him.
Getting older and starting to realise this can't go on. Feel bad for DH as children don't have sleepovers, come for tea etc but would if I wasn't here. She has never accepted any woman in DH's life.
AIBU to consider leaving DH so he can have a better relationship with his blood family.
It's really starting to make me feel unhappy.

OP posts:
DaisyDewks · 08/08/2024 10:07

No I wouldn't leave my DH because of his DD. However I would sit and talk to my DH about what I was feeling and how unhappy we both were because of this, and figure what the way forward was. It might be that the way forward is a mutual split if he can't stand up to his DD.

Prismsandprunes · 08/08/2024 10:10

We moved countries. Not because of a very similar situation but for other reasons. It had the benefit of making it easier for him to have a relationship with her that doesn't involve me ever.

Foraging4sweet · 08/08/2024 10:11

Aww I think you might be looking at the nuclear option.
Have you discussed this with him? Have you ever tried to speak to her?

GreenIvyy · 08/08/2024 10:12

This is all on your DH for not sorting this out. Youve been treated appallingly here from both DH and child.

Original poster
autism07 · 08/08/2024 17:00

She is not someone you can talk to. She has made it clear she won't accept me and I am fine with that. After all these years I don't want a relationship with her. All his other relationships have ended for the same reason. My idea was just to keep everything separate.
He knows exactly how I feel and says he won't be made to choose.
I think it's got to the point where I need to make the decision as I am starting to feel bad that he doesn't have the relationship with them that I know he craves.

OP posts:
Nannyogg134 · 08/08/2024 17:05

I wouldn't be looking to leave to make his relationship with DD better. He's a big boy and he clearly doesn't want to rock any boats. I think 'not choosing' is a bit of a sad get-out statement, it precludes him from ever having to work towards a better whole family relationship, and from demanding a bit of respect for you from DD. If you're leaving then leave for you, if you're staying then stay for you.

SaintHonoria · 08/08/2024 17:12

Is end it because he hasn't put his foot down and said that his daughter had to accept you as you are a couple and stick to his guns.

Allowing the daughter to do this shows he has little respect for you.

Homesweethome23 · 08/08/2024 17:30

how much time he spends between you both? Going on holidays with them suggests to me he spends rather a lot of time with them. Which isn’t fair on you.

His daughter is not a child and should have accepted you long ago. Not surprising other relationships have ended for him.

I can only see this getting worse in the future, what happens as your partner gets older and may not be as mobile as he is now, will you have to leave the house for her to visit?

Dont know how you have managed 14 years of being treated like this, I would have left long ago.

Original poster
autism07 · 08/08/2024 21:56

When I say holidays, to be fair it's a week a year then maybe a couple of weekends. We always do a holiday alone.

Although married this is my house that I had years before we met. There is no way she would visit here as she sees it as mine and not both of ours. I don't know why, as i say I don't understand the girl. DH did make it clear to her many years ago that if she couldn't be civil to me she couldn't visit our home.

OP posts:
MoveToParis · 08/08/2024 22:00

Imagine being 38 and trying to stick yourself in the middle of someone else’s marriage to ruin it, and then it being your parent’s marriage. There is something wrong with her, and I would be letting her know that as my parting shot!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2024 23:33

If you love him and you're good together why would you end the whole relationship just to enable them to have sleepovers a few nights a year. If you want you could always book yourself on a yoga retreat and they visit then. But that is still doing too much- it's on your dh to find a solution not you.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2024 23:33

Also if you left him for that reason he'd find a new gf and then have the same problem

Kitkatcatflap · 09/08/2024 01:07

I think it's his problem and he should have sorted it out years ago, especially as she has ruined previous relationships. The children will get older and will be able to develop a relationship with him independently of their mother

If you are happy, stay and have a clear conscience. If you are not happy, are you looking for an excuse to leave.

timetodecide2345 · 09/08/2024 01:16

He's acted cowardly. Avoided confrontation at the expense of you.

I know where you are coming from. My DH has done this with his sister. She will blatantly ignore me and communicate only with him and our children. It all could have been avoided if he had spoken with her at the time but he didn't. I now don't respect him and want to leave.

I think it leaves you with a sense that you're not important and somehow making a fuss about nothing. If he doesn't respect your feelings in this then I don't see that you have a choice.

Happyinarcon · 09/08/2024 01:35

Just get him to go down and see the grandkids by himself every so often. Get him to stay in an Airbnb close to her house. You don’t need to get involved or overthink this, pick your battles. Frankly i would love a few quiet weekends.

PaminaMozart · 09/08/2024 01:43

I agree with @timetodecide2345 , especially this:

I think it leaves you with a sense that you're not important and somehow making a fuss about nothing. If he doesn't respect your feelings in this then I don't see that you have a choice.

It is clear that he is NEVER going to do anything about this intolerable situation. This will be your life, and I fear that, as he gets older, he might start blaming you.

tolerable · 09/08/2024 02:09

walk away end your unhappiness?might as well then

andfinallyhereweare · 09/08/2024 02:34

Could you go away for a night (somewhere fabulous on your husbands bill) every few months so he can have grandkids over. He gets the relationship, you get a fab break and keep your relationship?

Purplecrush · 09/08/2024 03:04

OP, if you are not happy then there is nothing to keep you together.
Start by asking him to move out of your house and take a break.
Hopefully that will clarify how you feel.
She is toxic.
You are correct to stay away from her.
Thankfully she doesn't come near your home.

Sweetteaplease · 09/08/2024 05:44

Unless there's some huge backstop, she sounds incredibly selfish for a grown woman. Why is she allowed to be happy but her dad is not? I think you need to speak to your DH. And someone needs to speak to her. Don't break up if this is the only reason, although I admire your love for him wanting him to be happy

PurpleReindeer2 · 09/08/2024 06:50

If you end your marriage, could you afford to keep your home? The house would be included in the divorce settlement.

Original poster
autism07 · 09/08/2024 06:55

andfinallyhereweare · 09/08/2024 02:34

Could you go away for a night (somewhere fabulous on your husbands bill) every few months so he can have grandkids over. He gets the relationship, you get a fab break and keep your relationship?

No. The house is our home. She won't allow this unless it was just his.
I am not bothered about her at all, I just feel for DH not having the relationship with his grandchildren that he deserves.
My only fault in stopping this is existing. Yet her mum has had a lot of different partners and this isn't a problem to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
autism07 · 09/08/2024 06:57

PurpleReindeer2 · 09/08/2024 06:50

If you end your marriage, could you afford to keep your home? The house would be included in the divorce settlement.

Yes. Even though married we had things put in place incase of divorce.

OP posts:
Pinkypinkyplonk · 09/08/2024 06:59

Do you love and want to be with your husband?

Pinkypinkyplonk · 09/08/2024 06:59

Does he love and want to be with you?