To walk away.

[autism07]

Married 14 year. No kids together. My DH has a 38 year old daughter who has 4 children.
She has always been jealous and never included me in anything. DH has done holidays with them and birthday parties etc.
I am not the OW. DH had been separated from her mum 20 year before i met him.
Getting older and starting to realise this can't go on. Feel bad for DH as children don't have sleepovers, come for tea etc but would if I wasn't here. She has never accepted any woman in DH's life.
AIBU to consider leaving DH so he can have a better relationship with his blood family.
It's really starting to make me feel unhappy.

But the children are growing up and in a few years won't want to spend so much time with granddad. It's almost like the DD is the OW.

He knows exactly how I feel and says he won't be made to choose.

But he has chosen. You. He sees his family as much as he’s allowed as he has chosen to be with you.

Don’t feel guilty, but don’t leave. Unless you feel he is blaming you, which would be unfair of him. But otherwise enjoy your life together and let her revel in her bitterness.

Does your DH have any other DC?
Could they talk to her?
Could you talk to her?
Could anyone talk to her? Her mum? Her husband/ partner? Therapy?

It just seems so sad. Unless there is a huge backstory, it seems that all of this is her 'problem' and something you have no control over.
Do you think she has the capacity to change? Sounds like she has behaved consistently with various women for a long period of time, so actually it's not about 'you' but about 'her'.
Do you live close to her?

Talk to your DH about it and listen to what he would like to do. I think leaving him over this is extreme as ultimately the problem stays the same. Is his DD only happy with him when he's single?

It’s pretty wild to reason that you should leave him because (in your opinion) he craves a relationship with his DD that he can’t have while you’re around.

He’s clearly choosing you over this relationship with his DD that you think he craves. And from what you’ve said so far, he’s chosen other women over it too, so would probably find someone else if you leave him. It seems clear he craves a steady romantic relationship over a closer relationship with his (controlling) DD.

Why would you want to override his autonomy in this? Are there other reasons you want to leave him? Is this a palatable excuse so you don’t have to confront other issues?

All the family have tried to talk to her. It's due to her that the grandchildren are missing out but she can't seem to see this. We live close to them and he visits them every week.
He said he has told her that next year I will be invited on the holiday!!! It's too late I don't want to go now. Should have said this 7 year ago not just now!!
I am at the point that I don't suddenly want to be involved, it has gone too far for me. I tried to talk to her 3 year ago 🙄. I just think that now I know in my heart I don't want this issue sorted I should leave and let them get on with their pathetic ways.

No other reason at all apart from him allowing her to control his life for all these years. As someone said earlier what happens when he gets older? Can't visit? Babysit? Pay for holidays etc.

When he gets older, they will be older and perfectly capable of deciding for themselves. They may decide to visit him in his own home - initially because they are curious about what deep dark secret has resulted in them never going there.

Once they realise there is no deep dark secret and it's just mum being weird again ( and I bet she is weird in other ways too), they will probably visit, both when invited and also off their own bat.

If you think that in the future when there are more constraints, he’s going to pick her over you and end up treating you in a way you won’t like, that’s a reasonable concern. But own it. You’ve framed things here as you leaving for his sake.

Your contention is that leaving means he can have a better relationship with his DD. But there’s nothing in his past that suggests his relationship with her will be any better if you leave. Because his history suggests he doesn’t choose to center her in his life the way she wants (and I don’t blame him, it doesn’t sound healthy).

Where has this idea of you leaving him so that he can have the relationship he wants with his daughter, come from?

It isn't you preventing the relationship, it's her.