To still be annoyed with DH

[margas]

Hi all

DH has a history of not telling me things. (To him unimportant/ little stuff but to me very important)

He tends to exclude me out of decision making when it comes to his mates / his family / his work etc

Just found out that we had been invited to one of his friend's birthday and he said we couldn't attend. (Made the decision without me)

It's not the first time ... he accepts or declined invites without telling me first. I would most likely agree with his decisions but I'd like to be involved in the process of making the decisions if that makes sense ..

Same with all of his family .. gifts are being bought & cards without telling me or asking if I think it's a good idea etc.

We have been married for 10 years this September and it has always been like this... I have addressed it many times before that it makes me feel unimportant but we keep finding ourselves having the same arguments..

Am I overreacting? Or should I be involved ..

If you're married or in a long standing relationship this is surely the right way to be. My ex and I didnt agree on much but we always supported each other with family events, presents, key decisions. I would offer to help with his family, he would help me with mine. It just depended who had what going on. And yes the relation would take the lead on navigating the family stresses but we worked as a team. I wouldn't be happy about only hearing about an event after it had been declined. And no it wouldn't be about applying pressure to go. But there was one event - a major big wedding anniversary. I did step in there when I found out that neither my ex nor his sibling were going to do anything. But my intervention was more to get the celebration going rather than deciding precisely what should be done.

So you're complaining about something that a lot of people wish they're husband would do - buying cards/presents, making decisions about things etc.

YABU.

I get what you mean, and i agree with you. DH does his friends and family. I do mine. However, i do tell him if we've been invited somewhere and ive declined and the reason behind it, likewisewith him. Nothing worse getting caught out! Atleast then, if something is said we are able to support each other!
I also like to know what hes bought so that i know if were going to be in trouble i.e his parents (they have high expectations with gifts) but also so that again neither of us look silly if we dont no what we are as a couple gifting people. Again, nothing worse than someone thanking you or mentioning a gift which im assuming has your name on it and not having a clue. Call me controlling but i see it as being assertive and showing that we are a team!

“He tends to exclude me from the decision making “
”he made the decision without me”
”I’d like to be involved in the decision making process”

Please stop pretending this is about communication OP…everything you said in your initial post would suggest it’s about control. You even say it relates to invites from HIS friends, HIS work, HIS family but now suddenly they’re mutual? You’ve changed the narrative because people found you to be unreasonable.

“I'd like to be involved in the process of making the decisions”

you contradict yourself. In your original post you said you wanted to be involved in the decision making.

so many people on here complain about their partners leaving all this kind of thing up to them and not being independent, it’s refreshing to hear that men are capable of taking responsibility of their own friends and family.

Would you run every decision past your husband? Because I would imagine that just becomes tedious. Expecting him to let you know he’s declined an invitation so you aren’t left on the back foot if the friend mentions it… fine… involving you in his decision making… no, he’s a sentient adult capable of making those decisions for himself.

If they are all mutual friends and family invites and he declines without consulting then it could be quite controlling. Does he go to any parties? Start telling people to let you know as you keep missing out on events and to send you the invite as well.

as for the buying gifts for his friends and family then be grateful it’s not on your list of things to do. My husband had no idea what I buy his parents

I'm completely on your side here, I don't think people are getting your point!
My mother in law will invite my husband and I to do something, he will say no which is FINE but then when it's brought up again 'what a shame you're not coming to the party's etc, I feel a fool because I know nothing about it.
My husband is terrible at communicating and now my mother in laws talks to me directly about plans or family events :)

I don’t think we are missing the point at all! Where in the original post is anything mentioned about feeling awkward hearing about invitations 2nd hand… every single issue raised by the op is about him making the decision or not running things past her first even though it’s his friends/family. It’s quite clearly a control thing. Do you have your own friends OP? Even the gift buying is about him not asking what the OP thinks before he buys them…the DH is being treated like a child not capable of deciding anything himself. I do agree, where it’s a mutual friend he should mention it in case it comes up in future conversation but that doesn’t seem to the case here at all….its his friends!

If you're in a relationship, and you get a bd card for a family member, and don't tell your parter, how do you get them to sign it? Or do you just sign it on their behalf, like kisses from this person who hasn't even seen this card? Or do they send a separate card? I know this isn't a question for the OP so I should probably start a new thread, but I'm very firmly on the telling your partner stuff side of things. I can't imagine not telling them that I'd turned down a social invitation or that I'd bought someone a present,. In most cases the present, like the card, would be from both of us, so we'd have to talk about it!