To still be annoyed with DH

[margas]

Hi all

DH has a history of not telling me things. (To him unimportant/ little stuff but to me very important)

He tends to exclude me out of decision making when it comes to his mates / his family / his work etc

Just found out that we had been invited to one of his friend's birthday and he said we couldn't attend. (Made the decision without me)

It's not the first time ... he accepts or declined invites without telling me first. I would most likely agree with his decisions but I'd like to be involved in the process of making the decisions if that makes sense ..

Same with all of his family .. gifts are being bought & cards without telling me or asking if I think it's a good idea etc.

We have been married for 10 years this September and it has always been like this... I have addressed it many times before that it makes me feel unimportant but we keep finding ourselves having the same arguments..

Am I overreacting? Or should I be involved ..

I get what you mean. There's nothing more annoying when someone says "ah sorry you couldn't make the party" and you reply "what party?" The gift thing for his family wouldn't bother me. My DH and I are responsible for our own family gift/ card buying.

YABU. Leave him to arrange his own life and buy his own gifts. I don't think he needs to consult you on everything. My DH will say do we have any plans on X day. He's not asking but he's checking that I don't already have plans and am able to have the kids.

I honestly think you should re read everything.... it's not about me getting involved in his decision making. He can absolutely arrange his own life...

Dh buys his families gifts I get mine. I might ask what he got but I don't expect to be told.

If we were invited to an event I'd expect dh to mention it even if he didn't want to go but ultimately his call.

I COMPLETELY agree with you OP. Its called communicating in my book. I was def have a conversation with my DH if he kept such things from me, but turning things down on your behalf having not even told u about the invite . Not nice , not respectful

Interestingly , you tell him such things? In my relationship BOTH tell each other things like that, it works for us . We're not codependent, we have many individual hobbies as wells doing some things together , but we keep each other informed...we are both interested in each others lives

Is it a general symtom of you feeling excluded, superfluous to his life?

Presents/cards for his family, surely he doesn’t need to even tell you? The invitations are a different matter, he definitely ought to be telling you/asking your opinion if you’re also invited.

I totally understand. I just disagree. I think he should be able to unilaterally decline invitations from his friends and family. Accepting them is a bit different because he should check if your free, if it's convenient and if you have anything planned already. Likewise, I think he should be able to buy whatever shit he likes for his people (within reason budget wise).

She's only invited because she's married to him though - unless OP is saying she'd happily leave him at home and go out with his mates by herself?

M

The present and card part for his own family, that's fine, let him to do it, assuming he let's you know what he has got so you don't look daft when someone thanks you for the book you didn't know you had got.

The invites out I don't know. I'm guessing most people on here would say you're unreasonable because over time I've noticed people on here barely leave their house and like to keep their friends and family seperate from husbands friends and family.

If he's turned it down, not told you and you didn't want to go anyway, fine. If you still could have gone without him, not fine.

But I'd also be annoyed if he also accepts invites and you're also told that your going out, even if you don't want to (as I expect most people would be on here)

You expressed yourself fine, OP. As usual it seems to be MN being deliberately obtuse. It sounds like you just want to be included in his life and your mutual social outlook, which I think is absolutely fair enough. A couple are a social unit.

Hmm... there's a lot of women who complain that they're expected to remember birthdays and other special occasions on their DH's side as well as their own and organize the gifts etc. - I think you are B a bit U on that one. Many would be grateful. Maybe not so much on the social stuff (although even then, if it's people you characterize as his friends rather than mutuals. . .)

There are lots of different ways to be a "couple" though 🤷‍♀️

It would genuinely never occur to me to discuss my mums' birthday present with him - in fact, I think if I did he'd wonder if I was losing my marbles 😂

Equally we've always kept our friendship groups fairly separate so OP's comments about their social life and discussing invitations just don't resonate at all.

There are lots of ways to be a couple, but it's an issue if one half of the couple feels like they are being ignored. Everyone has their expectations, it's her DH's job to listen to them, consider why she has them and then make compromises.

@Didimum shouldn't she also have to make compromises?

What compromises is she not making with this issue? Her DH is doing as he pleases on all of it so far.

@Didimum I meant long term if she wants his behaviour to change, they'll have to agree to meet somewhere in the middle rather than have him make all the compromise.

I’m assuming there are more examples but I do understand your point OP. I think a lot of posters are forgetting you are married and have been for 10 years. His family are also your family, mutual friends parties etc should be a joint decision. I wouldn’t decline or accept without speaking to DH. Even if I didn’t think we could go / want to go I’d still tell him and decide together.

The buying cards and presents thing, that wouldn’t bother me personally. I don’t ever consult DH when I buy my family gifts nor does he consult me. I think you are one of the “lucky” ones not to have a DH that can’t remember to prepare for his own parents / siblings birthdays.

I don’t know if he will change, I mean you said he’s always been this way. It’s frustrating, and maybe tell him to just consult you a bit more as you’d appreciate that.

As long as he isn’t hiding big things that would genuinely affect you I would just let this one go.

That's not what 'compromise' means though. It's them meeting at an agreed middle. If one person is making 'all the compromise' that is not a compromise. At the moment DH is having is all his way and OP is having it none of hers. Hence – he needs to compromise.

Agree.

Just found out that we had been invited to one of his friend's birthday and he said we couldn't attend. (Made the decision without me)

This would be quite embarrassing, imagine standing there and everyone is talking about the party that your DH declined that you wasn’t even told about. I think a compromise would be that DH tells DW about the invite and they decide together. Or at least if DH says no he can still tell DW as she may still want to attend.

And sometimes you want to go to a party!!

@Didimum yes I know, that's what I said? Or at least, it's what I meant.

My point was that OP shouldn't expect to have every single thing run by her just because that's what she wants.

I think a compromise would be that DH tells DW about the invite and they decide together. Or at least if DH says no he can still tell DW as she may still want to attend.

From the OP it reads like they're his mates and OP is just being invited as his plus one rather than being invited as an individual?

Maybe I'm wrong.

No one is saying she should. The compromise is that they each make concessions, but he isn't making any concessions. I think perhaps there's a misunderstanding of the word 'compromise' because to say someone is 'making all the compromises' doesn't make sense. It's someone making all the concessions.