To want a third child?

[Tessatroc24]

So I'm here for honest opinions 😊

I have 2 children (boys) age 3 and 7. They're awesome. Miscarriaged a few times after first child but with the help of medication, successfully had second child. Married, a successful career which I really love and 4 bedrooms at home.

Am I being unreasonable to try for a third child? I just have this urge to have another. However my worries are:

• is 2 company and 3 a Crowd?
• Will I have enough energy and time for my current children? I don't want to add another child at their expense.
• are work judgemental if I go on maternity leave for a third time? Also I do love my job.
• Is everything not suitable for families of 5 such as holidays etc.
• I've heard of families who actually regret having a third. Family have also said don't do it (though we never ask for help babysitting etc so it's not that it would be on them at all)
• does 3 children mean a bigger car?? Everyone seems to say it does.

Just any thoughts or advise or experiences would be helpful too.

Family of five here, three children were definitely the happy number for us. It made me more relaxed as I realised I couldn’t do everything.

We didn’t change our car, managed with a squish although have a 7 seater now.

Hotels can be expensive as often need an extra room. Ditto any trips, paying for 5 does add up…

Its not held me back at work.

You must have three children secured safely in a car. If yours doesn’t do that, it’s an expense to change it. Of course three cost more. Have you appraised costs accurately? Including “what if” scenarios? One more child to be ill. One more child to pay for and accommodate on holiday. One more child to juggle and work at the same time. Three dc is getting rarer for all these reasons. I’d make the 4th bedroom a hobby room! I would also enjoy the set up you have. Seems ideal to me. Soon youngest will be at school too.

Add to the list ’what if it’s twins and we end up with 4’ as this happened to two people I know!

I can tell you MY reasons of why for ME a third was a no go ever based on the lifestyle I want/ have and they were confirmed by parents of 3 kids:

• in many places it’s hard to accommodate 5 people - think restaurants in peak hours etc. I didn’t want for decade + to be restricted to eating at only child friendly places or silly times like 4pm or 9-9:30pm as can’t get a table at a decent hour.
• travel is a big part of my life. In many countries it’s hard to find rooms for 5 people without paying for an extra room which increases costs by quite a bit (this is confirmed again and again by people in the travel groups I participate in) which will likely reduce the amount I would be able to travel, which for me is a NO.
• if my husband the (3) kids need to take a taxi , this makes it vary hard in many places; many cars are for 4 passengers (without even taking car seats into account). So we will either be restricted to car rental (which is not very often practical) or wait for ages for a bigger cab. I’m talking about places with no black cabs which is most places.
• there are very few activities I can think of that 3 kids even with a minimum age gap will be willing to do together. So that would be a nightmare especially as they enter different phases (think tweens/teens vs younger kids)
• as they get older and have clubs etc, at least where I am, I have to drive for those so I’ll be a full time Uber for drop offs and pick ups fro
a variety of activities and I can think of better things to do with my life. This is also assuming all kids are healthy and not in need of regular therapies or doctor appointments that I have to ferry to and from; unfortunately as kids number increases the likelihood of any issues increase too statistically speaking.
• I’m a person who enjoys their hobbies and quiet time and with 3 kids I think finding any time for myself on regular basis would be pretty much impossible

im not even touching the financial side of things as people’s views on what is necessary and what not for a child are different.

I have three, and I also had two boys, now have three. I love it. I honestly couldn't imagine not having the third. He adds a lovely dynamic and it makes them a little gang. I love watching the three relationships develop.

I wouldn't have have had a third if I thought the others would suffer financially. Obviously we have less time for each of them now there is three, but I have a very involved DH and we dedicate pretty much all our time to the kids, so I think they get as much (if not more) time than a lot of 1 or 2 child families! And we all love hanging out together anyway.

Car thing will prob be ok due to the age gap as the oldest won't need a booster. It's with three on car seats, or three teens, that you get in trouble. But honestly changing your car isn't that big of a deal when weighing up whether to add a whole new person to your family.

One down side is that lots of things your older ones can do won't suit your youngest, so you end up with one parent minding the little one rather than doing things all together. We're feeling this now on holiday and have much smaller gaps than you are talking about (4 years from oldest to youngest). Little one can't go on water slides, trampoline park etc.

I don't really like this transactional way of thinking when talking about human beings. If you're going to discuss what you're taking away from siblings, then you have to also consider what they'll gain in return. I'm one of three, and I know I wouldn't go back in time and ask my mum not to have my brother so there would be more money for swimming lessons or whatever. A sibling can be an incredible blessing for most people.

Anyway OP I'm in a very very similar situation to you, down to the ages of our children. I can't say I'm overly keen to have another, I'm tired after parenting young children for 7 years and there are loads of primary school years still to go - I'm not sure I want to still be reading Biff, Chip and Kipper in another 7 years when we'll be thinking about gearing up for GCSEs with the eldest. But if it's something you really want then go for it. Big families full of love and fun are great!

I am glad we had three three though, but wouldn't have wanted a bigger age gap

And yes some people at work were a bit judgmental about the "extra" mat leave even though I have worked there for 15 years

Also just to add, all my fears about having a third never came true. We can still go on holidays, we are going in 2 weeks to an aparthotel in Menorca that would take a family of 6.
We changed to a 7 seater as we got one on the cheap but we could have managed with a 5.
We do however live in an area with fab public transport so I don't think I'll need to be a taxi when they are older which I think helps.

Firstly are you wanting a third to have a girl?? Be really honest with yourself on this fact and how do you feel about having 3 boys?

It is more difficult with holidays and the world is set up for family of 4.
Obviously more expensive.

I have 3 and love it. But I will point you back to my first point. Why do you REALLY want a third?
Why I have 3 is irrelevant to you.

I'm one of three, similar age gaps. We are close as adults and had a happy childhood. I know my parents were in the trenches for what seemed like ages though.

I'm only having two because it feels like a different world in many ways from the 80s/90s.

I have three DC. They're all awesome and I love them to bits, but if I had my time again I'd probably stop at two. It's hard with three!

you have 2 awesome, and by the sound of it healthy children. Why isn't this enough. have you considered how you would cope with a disabled child and how this would affect the family and your ability to care and work? For disclosure, I have 2 disabled children. I had them youngish and no family history of anything. Just fluke.

I have 3. I wouldn't change it for the world. Our third has just completed our family and we wouldn't be without her. Two boys and a girl. It is a lot harder though. I do think 2 is much easier and more manageable in a lot of ways but our daughter has brought so much love and laughter to our house. Parenting 3 is hard but parenting 2 is also hard!

I don't understand why people always play the finance and time card when talking about three kids. Those both appy to having a second child, and even having a child at all. I have three, and yes it is more expensive and more time consuming and more chaotic. But I cannot put into words how much more we have gained than we have lost, our eldest two kids as well, by adding a third to the mix. We have a smaller age gap which meant it was pretty all consuming to start with but much easier now. I love watching their dynamic and how much they get from each other - no amount of fancy holidays or private schooling measures up for us.

That's exactly what my first thoughts were! Two boys and wanting a girl.

My SIL had two of the same sex, went for a third, and the 3rd is SEN (and the same sex again). While they could comfortably afford a 3rd, life for the oldest two is very very different. Life revolves around the youngest and managing their needs while the others are left to their own devices.

I often get "bet you want a girl after 2 boys etc" but I've never had a huge desire for a girl. Maybe because I'm used to boys I'm not sure. But I sometimes think maybe I should be wanting a girl, as people often comment on it. I'd be happy with either gender. But your comment is good in that it has got me thinking about the reasons for wanting another - and making sure we want another for the right reasons.

Get used to everyone asking if you were trying for a girl, expressing sadness at your healthy pregnancy if you find out it's a boy etc. it can be really upsetting. My third boy is totally unique, so very special and I have never wished for one second that he was a girl.

When I was having my second child, I had many comments about do you want a girl etc. I didn't really have a preference to start with but after loosing 3 pregnancies, I thanked the lord every day for that baby. Girl or boy.

Ive had numerous comments about having a girl, and when I've had a good think about it, I have zero preference still. Maybe I have something wrong with me as people seem to think I should have a preference.

It IS ‘enough’. One is ‘enough’. It’s not about ‘enough’ though. The desire for a third doesn’t mean that the 2 you have are lacking, or a trial, or you want a re-do. If anything doesn’t it show that they’re so amazing and OP has absolutely loved having them, so much so she wants to do it again??

OP I have 3 and am so glad I do. It’s at least 100% more work than 2 though.

I know a few 3rd of the same sex who are a bit chip on the shouldery about only having been born because their parents wanted the opposite sex, even when this isn't true. So even if you aren't trying for a girl a third son may think you hoped he would be a girl.
I always said I'd only have 3 if the first two were one of each. Infertility had a different plan and we only managed to muster 1.

I love our gang of 3. They're amazing and I've never regretted it once

Love my 3 boys but definitely a cost increase when you are a family of 5. Holidays are just more expensive and harder to find places to accommodate 5 people. Hobbies are awkward with 3 if they have to be in same place at the same time. My job did take a hit but mine turned out to have sen so added complication. Also depends on current kids. My older two always wanted more siblings and they all do rub along generally but perhaps that's because they are all boys with similar interests

We had one. Then twins.

Three kids is a lot. But not impossible. We have only bought 7 seaters since. And you do need a big house. There'll always be someone living in a shoebox puffing about how fantastically adequate the tiny space is... But actually you just have to wonder if it's themselves they're trying to convince. Our DC love being on top of each other, but they also need the space to be apart.

Holidays, houses, cars, days out are all more expensive. It's wonderful though.