Stupid Argument Massively Escalated

[darksideof]

I know this is a silly thread but I really need some perspective here to establish if I am being unreasonable and how to move forward.

Basically me and DP have had an argument due to poor communication between each other. I thought we were going camping this weekend, he had made plans for a playdate for DD, he was supposed to be going away for the night with work one night and asked me to join him and then nothing mentioned since, he also mentioned something about going the cinema with DS on a night we had other plans. I overheard some of the arrangements as his was talking to the kids. He also agreed to a sleepover for DS, now I was aware that he wanted a sleepover but as it was a work night and I WFH I would have said yes but they need to come after 4pm but instead DP just agrees that they can come at lunchtime so I would have 4 teenagers messing about in the house while I am trying to work while he intends to go into the office, I did say I wasn't happy that he had agreed to this so he ended up WFH also (FWIW he ended up telling them they needed to go out as they were all running round the house and he was on calls so it was disturbing him).

In the end I made an arsey comment to him saying what else have you planned that you haven't told me about and he completely flew off the handle kicking off at me saying things like he just forgot to tell me and he can do what he wants with the kids. We didn't speak the rest of the day.

Today I said to him he was out of order kicking off and speaking to me like he did and he said I was out of order for being arsey, I could have just asked him in a normal tone, fair enough, I take this on board, I was arsey but I was annoyed and I should of just asked. I went out the gym and a text war ensued which escalated to him bringing all other stuff up unrelated to what we were arguing about and then him telling me to just leave etc. I am now very upset about all the things he has said to me and how we have ended up here when all's I was asking from him was to tell me what plans he had made. He is saying its my fault and I am making him feel bad for forgetting (he does forget things sometimes).

My issue here is that I feel like I am not allowed to say anything that annoys me as it will just result in a kick off and me bring told to leave. I told him if he has other unrelated issues then they should be spoken about separately and not brought up in an unrelated argument.

AIBU? How do I handle this?

Have you got a family calendar you can put stuff like this on? If he’s arranged a play date he needs to put it on the calendar for all to see. Similarly if you’ve planned a camping trip the weekend should’ve been blocked out. Did he actually know about the camping or was it just you thinking it would be nice to go? Had you booked it?

This is all a bit hard to understand, to be honest. I don’t really get what happened.

Or I’m possibly just being thick.

A family calendar would be a good solution to the immediate practical problem here but the bigger problem, that the OP's husband doesn't know how to argue like a grown up, is going to take more than that. To go from bickering about weekend plans to "why don't you just leave then" is the sort of escalation I don't think you get in a healthy relationship. Has he always been like this?

let’s be honest, it’s not about the surface issue of family plans. It sounds like he’s properly harbouring resentment towards you for other issues and the request to leave came from his heart. You’re not going to move on properly from this unless you work through everything.

it sounds like he’s at the end of his tether for whatever reason if he wants to end the relationship. I’m not saying that’s reasonable, just that he’s not in sync with you. You want to recover the relationship, he doesn’t

I can’t make head nor tail of your OP and who agreed to do what on which night. No wonder there is total confusion.

If this is daily life in your home and an indication of your usual communication on both sides, then I can well imagine one or the other of you getting totally sick of the bickering and eventually blowing their top.

Get a big calendar, stick it on the fridge and agree the rule that if it’s not written on the calendar then it hasn’t been communicated properly.

Have you had more than one argument that has escalated into him telling you to leave?
If he is doing this to shut you up and stop you saying anything to annoy him, that is potentially being abusive, and certainly doing massive damage to your relationship.
You cannot have a relationship with someone who wants to shut you up.

Or asking op to leave might just be his knee-jerk reaction to any argument because he's an emotional fuckwit? 🤷🏼‍♀️

I would consider splitting up over this behaviour. He sounds nasty.

However, if you're not married, whose house is it? Why is he telling you to leave?

Well he sounds a bit of a dick so I would be inclined to agree with him re separating but refuse to leave your home. Unless of course it’s his house, as you aren’t married.

Your arrangements do sound incredibly confusing though…

I said I wanted to go camping, he said lets go at the weekend, I hadn't made separate plans without telling him, he suggested it and then a few days later I hear him telling DD that her friend is coming over at the weekend which he didn't tell me about. He is known for saying things like yes lets do this but then doesn't commit so suppose I was annoyed he's telling me one thing and arranging another, why just not say we'll have a look at when we can go.

I tried to keep the argument to the issue but he continued making nasty comments and bringing up other issues. He does always do this and our arguments escalate because of this. If he is angry there is no talking to him until he has calmed down.

I just don't know if I have caused this unnecessarily .

Okay. What does this have to do with going away for work, the cinema and teenagers messing about, though?

Anyway, if someone was regularly telling me to leave, I’d have left. Continued disrespect isn’t okay, OP. Whatever else is going on.

that doesn’t contradict anything I said so not sure why you quoted me. Does this sound like a healthy relationship to you? Sounds like they’d be better off apart frankly especially if he has knee jerk reactions to any argument?

Okay. What does this have to do with going away for work, the cinema and teenagers messing about, though?

He repeatedly says "let's do this" and she agrees, which Op assumes means it's happening, but he apparently doesn't, so she doesn't make alternative plans and then it doesn't happen (camping, work night away).

He makes plans without telling her, despite the fact they impact her (DDs play date. Teens coming over during the day), and doesn't tell her, then she's the bad guy when she has an issue with it.

He double books (cinema when they already have plans) and doesn't tell Op or see it as an issue, meaning she's constantly on alert for changing plans last minute

It's not you it's him. Your last paragraph in your OP says a lot about the relationship. He's primed you not to question him (for quite valid reasons) or else he will punish you like this. It's happened so many times now that you're sat wondering if YOU were out of order. You weren't. He's not very nice, is he.

You have communication issues for sure. DH used to do this "here's all the things that have annoyed me" kitchen-sink thing whenever we argued, and it was making me anxious. We agreed that he would raise his grievances with me more or less when they happened, or he had to let them go, because it wasn't fair to expect me to resolve something that might've happened 2 months ago that I hadn't realised was a problem. It sounds like your DH is using this argument as a pressure valve for other annoyances, which isn't fair (unless he's just being intentionally hurtful, which is even less fair).

We mostly address problems promptly now (both of us, as I've been guilty of kitchen-sinking him too) and it works much better. It sometimes feels like a blindside, but it's so much more easily resolved because I actually remember what we're talking about! It also means we talk about it more calmly because it hasn't had chance to sit and fester.

It was more just that he is making arrangements that impact me but not discussing them with me or letting me know about them when he makes them. There are kids that need to be sorted and I have calls etc that they disturb. I acknowledge I didn't need to be arsey and I'm not usually but there was quite a few things all at once and I had already asked what he was doing with work at the beginning of the week and he just responded saying I'm not looking now.

Thank you! That was really helpful.

OP, that sounds infuriating. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.

So he announces plans and doesn't do anything about them to yell at you when you want to know what's going on.

If he tells you to leave, leave. He's behaving like a brat, and that's bring generous.

I think a family calendar would work if he cared but it sounds like he just wants to pontificate and let you do the running around. This is another term for bullying.

In the short term I'd put into action what I wanted and ignore his noise. A makeshift calendar can easily be knocked up and printed off.

If he fails to use it but keeps doing what he does, I'd be speaking to a solicitor as there's no way you can live like this without going doolally. Then tell him that HE can leave and his bags are by the door. That way he gets to do whatever he wants but without inconveniencing you. Or upsetting his child.

Im confused but the references multiple times to him “asking you to leave”. I’m assuming you live together…? And that these are your joint children? Are you saying he’s attempting to kick you out of your home when you have an argument.

He sounds insufferable and I wouldn’t be with someone who couldn’t behave like an adult, discuss issues and take responsibility for their part in situations like this. The fact that you say he is like this often is worrying

This to me sounds like one of those posts where the other person would have a very different interpretation of what actually happened, and of the general tone of the discussion. It's impossible to say who's being unreasonable here. Your DH might be a horrible arsehole who doesn't give a shit about your plans and can never accept that he made a mistake, or you might be a picky control freak who constantly finds fault with him and makes him feel like shit, and he's reached the end of his tether. I don't think any of us here can really adjudicate.

None of that matters - simple communication and a calendar can sort it.

The real issue is him dragging up all sorts to throw into an escalating argument and finishing with telling OP to leave - that is not a healthy relationship

I agree.

Op, just get a large A4 diary and write in it and both agree to check in it before making arrangements.

You really don't like each other very much. Misunderstandings should not end in telling each other to leave or blowing off to this extent.

Read your middle paragraph and can you honestly say he's not a waste of your life?

He's not nice to you.