Stupid Argument Massively Escalated

[darksideof]

I know this is a silly thread but I really need some perspective here to establish if I am being unreasonable and how to move forward.

Basically me and DP have had an argument due to poor communication between each other. I thought we were going camping this weekend, he had made plans for a playdate for DD, he was supposed to be going away for the night with work one night and asked me to join him and then nothing mentioned since, he also mentioned something about going the cinema with DS on a night we had other plans. I overheard some of the arrangements as his was talking to the kids. He also agreed to a sleepover for DS, now I was aware that he wanted a sleepover but as it was a work night and I WFH I would have said yes but they need to come after 4pm but instead DP just agrees that they can come at lunchtime so I would have 4 teenagers messing about in the house while I am trying to work while he intends to go into the office, I did say I wasn't happy that he had agreed to this so he ended up WFH also (FWIW he ended up telling them they needed to go out as they were all running round the house and he was on calls so it was disturbing him).

In the end I made an arsey comment to him saying what else have you planned that you haven't told me about and he completely flew off the handle kicking off at me saying things like he just forgot to tell me and he can do what he wants with the kids. We didn't speak the rest of the day.

Today I said to him he was out of order kicking off and speaking to me like he did and he said I was out of order for being arsey, I could have just asked him in a normal tone, fair enough, I take this on board, I was arsey but I was annoyed and I should of just asked. I went out the gym and a text war ensued which escalated to him bringing all other stuff up unrelated to what we were arguing about and then him telling me to just leave etc. I am now very upset about all the things he has said to me and how we have ended up here when all's I was asking from him was to tell me what plans he had made. He is saying its my fault and I am making him feel bad for forgetting (he does forget things sometimes).

My issue here is that I feel like I am not allowed to say anything that annoys me as it will just result in a kick off and me bring told to leave. I told him if he has other unrelated issues then they should be spoken about separately and not brought up in an unrelated argument.

AIBU? How do I handle this?

Take a breath.

Ask when’s a good time to stop and have a chat. Bite your tongue until it’s time for that chat.

Then point out things are really bad between you which is sad, does he have any ideas for sorting it out.

And wait. Get the conversation started positively, and wait for him to engage. Hopefully he will and you can come up with some joint strategies and solutions.

Do not suggest the calendar or it will be another thing you are nagging him to do and using to bully him. Let him suggest it, then you can both buy in to it.

Buy an A4 diary, day per page.

Put a solicitor's appointment in it.

Are you their step mum?

Neither of you are covered in glory and it sounds like you are both frustrated, busy, and need some space to get things out.

When you’re angry, as you both were, is not an ideal time to try to resolve anything. As to what to do now … my advice give each other some space and drop it for now. Get some time at the weekend for the two of you without the kids and figure out a solution to your planning issues. It sounds like you both need to work at that.

Arguing via text message is absurd and childish, and it's very easy for things to escalate when doing so. You're not teenagers, talk out your differences in person like adults.

Nothing the op has said, @SettingsOptions, makes me think her h is 'at the end of his tether', which you said.

It just sounds like he's shit at communicating.

he is terrible at communicating, I do know this and try to plan ahead for it but it doesn't always work out and I sometimes get annoyed when I'm having to ask what's happening when he should have just told me when it was arranged. We have 6 children between us off school and I am trying to organise my week so I know what days I need to be at home and what days I can go into the office. I mostly work around his job as I have more flexibility but it doesn't mean that I don't need to know any of the arrangements he has made. I'm not sure how unreasonable it is to want to know what is happening for the coming week so I know where I am with the kids and work.

All's I am asking is that he tell me what plans he has made, is this controlling? Do I need to just lighten up and go with the flow a bit more?

If he’s asking her to leave, does it sound like he wants to resolve things? It sounds like he’s done with the relationship frankly. That doesn’t mean he’s justified in feeling that way, but he obviously doesn’t care enough by asking her to leave

I think you probably both need to communicate better in general, a family diary is a good idea (we have one) for the practical problem, but it sounds like maybe you both need a proper sit down chat to air/sort out everything else.

What are these “other issues” he brings up? If it was my husband and he was bringing up another issue in a disagreement I’d know something about that issue was still bothering him or still unresolved, so we would tackle that. We’re not perfect but I would say husband & I are really quite good communicators, we don’t let things fester or resentment build, we are a talk it out household. Maybe worth a try?

Does he always bring up old disagreements? That sometimes happens in arguments but if it’s a regular thing he needs to stop it. The telling you to leave is a different level altogether. If my husband said that, or I said it to him, I think it would be the end.