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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

family row - help please. So hurt...

30 replies

Manchesteruser · 06/08/2024 14:42

Hello,
I am looking for advice about something. I am going to be deliberately vague about certain aspects as I don’t want to be identified. Changed user name. Sorry this is so long

I am a part of a family business along with my 3 brothers and various cousins. For various historical reasons 2 of my brothers and one of my cousins are instrumental in running it and always have been despite one brother and my cousin having no interest in doing so. I chose not to be involved years ago and don’t really talk about it to my parents who are now elderly and so that is how it is (despite me being the eldest amongst my siblings).
Around 6 months ago my husband was recovering from cancer and I was facing a major, serious operation. My husband is a lawyer and has no involvement in this business.

My sibling who is involved in running the business and has an interest in it and I do not have a close relationship. He started asking my husband via me loads and loads of legal questions relating to the business. My husband really helped him out of kindness, offered tons of advice even when we went on holiday – the holiday was meant to be recouperation for him and relaxation for me before my surgery.

My husband was literally bombarded during the holiday, I asked my brother to wait until we were home and suggested that we meet (my husband, me and my brother or all involved) face to face rather than endless emails, WhatsApps etc. Anyway, I guess my brother got the information he wanted from my husband and in the end he didn’t want to meet etc. - he thanked my husband but only briefly and only via email. My husband was not thanked by the other two (brother and cousin) and was not e.g. taken out for a drink/meal, or even thanked via a phone call. In short, apart from me and my sibling no one else in the family has any idea of how much my husband did for no pay, no credit and no thanks. He spent weeks of his time on it. The other two were told about my husband’s help but didn’t seem to show any interest.

I feel incredibly hurt about this on behalf of my husband. I feel he has been used and that I have been too (to get information from him).

The icing on the cake has been today. They’ve made a decision about something major – all aided by my husband’s advice. The three of them are all now self-congratulatory – saying ‘we should thank x (involved sibling)’ and ‘he’s worked so hard…’ and the rest of the family are all saying, ‘thank you…’ None of the three of them have mentioned my husband and my cousin has even berated me for not being more grateful to my brother. I pointed out that my husband did a lot to help and he reluctantly said ‘oh, thank him…’ but I am so angry. My husband was so ill and I have had such major surgery that none of them have enquired about and my husband has had no acknowledgement. None of the rest of the family know about my husband’s help.

(As an aside both my husband and my cousin have nonstop criticised each other to me - ultimate hypocrisy when they are now so full of praise for each other. Only I know the things they’ve said (about how stupid they are etc!)
How can I move past this or drop into the conversation for the whole family about what my husband has done? I’d love to reveal their hypocrisy and what they’ve said about each other but can’t think of a way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Manchesteruser · 06/08/2024 14:47

I just feel we've both been used and it feels horrible. My husband is being really ok about it but he did say he would have expected at least a bottle of wine. I think not even agreeing to meet but wanting all info via email just seemed so callous and now being called out for not being grateful myself is just beyond the pale.

OP posts:
Original poster
Manchesteruser · 06/08/2024 14:56

Anyone?

OP posts:
SonicTheHodgeheg · 06/08/2024 15:01

It’s sadly very common for friends and family to take advantage of professionals like lawyers and accountants and expect free advice.
Yanbu to think that they are cf and avoid helping next time.

ToothPickk · 06/08/2024 15:03

Only you know the level of help. I'm a professional and I often get asked for things by family, if I choose to do things to help them it's off my own back and I'd never expect payment, a meal, or credit for anything. I am also talking in laws. But we all have a very good relationship and would help one another.

TizerorFizz · 06/08/2024 15:04

@Manchesteruser Not sure there is a remedy. Parents and business owners are very remiss in not sorting out family business interests fairly. It seems some get everything whilst others get zero and no compensation for relinquishing their interest. You seem to be firmly in the latter category.

Who actually owns the company? What ownership was envisaged by your parents? Do you have any shares or have you received compensation to make up for you having no interest? If no to all of this, why get involved? No contract - no work. You need to ask DH what you should do but clearly no more work. I can see why you are cross but family businesses need rules. Favours should not be expected or given.

parietal · 06/08/2024 15:05

they were certainly CFs expecting free legal advice. you & DH should have quoted for his time at the start, or better still, say 'I can't give advice informally because it is against professional rules. please go via my office or contact my colleague ...'

Now that things are over, your siblings / cousins probably just don't realize how many hours your DH put in and how much work it was. they probably don't realize that at £300 per hour (or whatever a good lawyer charges), they would have had a very large bill coming. Don't make passive-aggressive comments but do tell them all directly - DH put 20 hours of work into this project which would have been £6K at commercial rates, so that they know what is involved.

and if they do ask again, just say DH is too busy.

Bonbon21 · 06/08/2024 15:07

If there is a family whatsapp I would post along the lines of.... "John was happy to advise on ....... very pleased that his expert professional advice assisted in achieving the great outcome...".
I couldnt let them get away with it... but I don't like being ignored!!

Original poster
Manchesteruser · 06/08/2024 15:08

He didn't want payment, just some kind of at least acknowledgement. He spent weeks on it and it all seems so brushed under the carpet now. Especially being expected to thank my brother when everything he is doing is because of my husband's help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Manchesteruser · 06/08/2024 15:09

@Bonbon21 - that's what I'd like to do but I feel I'd be stirring a hornet's nest

OP posts:
FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 06/08/2024 15:10

I'd put some passive aggressive comments out there along the lines of 'Thanks to DH also of course as, you know, the legal advice he gave you would have normally been billed at £3k (or whatever it would have been) so that's quite some saving for the business' make sure all the family can see.
Also, if they ask again, it would be a fuck off from me.

Whalewatching · 06/08/2024 15:10

How do you normally converse with all the family involved @Manchesteruser? Are you hearing all this IRL or are there WhatsApp group messages? I think the way this is unfolding in front of you would determine what I’d do next if I were you. In other words, if it’s by text or email you could compose something to the point and direct along the lines of “of course, I know some of you are aware of DH’s input, which was central to the whole event and I’m so proud of how much help he gave, in the aftermath of recovering from such a difficult time for us”. If it’s face to face you’re hearing all this, you must pick each player off one by one and get this narrative out of how proud and selfless your DH has been.

Fuck em, keep repeating it ad museum.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 06/08/2024 15:11

Manchesteruser · 06/08/2024 15:09

@Bonbon21 - that's what I'd like to do but I feel I'd be stirring a hornet's nest

So stir it.

the80sweregreat · 06/08/2024 15:13

People are horrible unfortunately and although they should have been more grateful or offered to pay or buy him something, they haven't done and it's just nasty behavior.
I am assuming here they are going to be making money out of this new contract/ situation with the business, which makes it even worse , but in my experience people who like saving money don't tend to spend it on other people , hence the reason they pushed to get free information out of your husband and not have to pay for the legal advice. In hindsight your Dh should have told them his fees up front , but when it's family it's hard to be brutal and keep it on a business footing , even if it's ' family rates'
I can see why you're angry though op and it is bad, but next time your Dh needs to be more up front he isn't doing anything for free again!
(I hope you both make a full recovery too from
your recent ill health.)

KeirSpoutsTwaddle · 06/08/2024 15:18

Leave it a while and see how you feel.

I’d be more inclined to be open in conversation about DH’s time off to recover-‘though of course he did a lot of work for the family firm during that time, which perhaps delayed his recovery’.

Some accurate version of the above sprinkled into conversation with different people would Get everyone up to speed.

Do you benefit from the businesses success?

Original poster
Manchesteruser · 06/08/2024 15:22

The irony of the whole thing is that the advice my husband gave on day 1 is the route they are taking after endless conversations which took weeks.

My cousin even said they'd been given conflicting advice from professionals but it hadn't been conflicting - my husband explained it all, but my cousin hadn't understood or engaged.

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Cinnamonginger · 06/08/2024 15:23

i would wait until they next need 'urgent' help!

BunnyLake · 06/08/2024 15:23

How did they send out the thanks, was it something like WhatsApp? In which case I send a message along the lines of ‘ Excuse me but where is the thanks for all the hard work my husband put into this, free of charge!” Check your manners and show appreciation!”

Original poster
Manchesteruser · 06/08/2024 15:23

Cinnamonginger - I bloody hope they do

OP posts:
Original poster
Manchesteruser · 06/08/2024 15:24

BunnyLake - it's email but only the 3 (2 brothers and one cousin) know about the help my husband gave - none of the others do.

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letsjustdothis · 06/08/2024 15:27

It's hard to tell without more information but honestly it sounds like you're both overestimating your husband's role. I get he spent a lot of time on it and from his perspective it was a big thing, but it just sounds like one aspect of what they were doing so it probably wasn't a big deal to them.

Original poster
Manchesteruser · 06/08/2024 15:32

It absolutely was a big deal to them - they couldn't be doing what they are doing now without his help.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 06/08/2024 15:35

I’d just stay out of it. DP is a grown man. I’d encourage him to remember it next time though.

DodoTired · 06/08/2024 15:43

I presume you benefit from this family business (given that you say that you part of the family business although you don’t actively run it).

if so. i find it strange that you expected your husband to be paid for his advice 🤷‍♀️

second, not sure what the development was, but giving good advice and making a decision and executing this change are two different things. And I say this as a lawyer who gives advice to business executive.

it would be nice they thanked him more but they don’t owe him more than that. You seem to generally have beef with your siblings so are projecting it onto this situation

diddl · 06/08/2024 15:49

Manchesteruser · 06/08/2024 15:32

It absolutely was a big deal to them - they couldn't be doing what they are doing now without his help.

Well they could but they would have had to have paid.

Original poster
Manchesteruser · 06/08/2024 15:50

I didn't expect my husband to be paid but to be acknowledged especially in person. He wouldn't have accepted any money but a proper thank you in person would have been nice. And to be berated for not thanking my brother (who asked for all the help) was a bit much. They didn't really make a good decision as such, just went down the route my husband advised them.

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