family row - help please. So hurt...

[Manchesteruser]

Hello,
I am looking for advice about something. I am going to be deliberately vague about certain aspects as I don’t want to be identified. Changed user name. Sorry this is so long

I am a part of a family business along with my 3 brothers and various cousins. For various historical reasons 2 of my brothers and one of my cousins are instrumental in running it and always have been despite one brother and my cousin having no interest in doing so. I chose not to be involved years ago and don’t really talk about it to my parents who are now elderly and so that is how it is (despite me being the eldest amongst my siblings).
Around 6 months ago my husband was recovering from cancer and I was facing a major, serious operation. My husband is a lawyer and has no involvement in this business.

My sibling who is involved in running the business and has an interest in it and I do not have a close relationship. He started asking my husband via me loads and loads of legal questions relating to the business. My husband really helped him out of kindness, offered tons of advice even when we went on holiday – the holiday was meant to be recouperation for him and relaxation for me before my surgery.

My husband was literally bombarded during the holiday, I asked my brother to wait until we were home and suggested that we meet (my husband, me and my brother or all involved) face to face rather than endless emails, WhatsApps etc. Anyway, I guess my brother got the information he wanted from my husband and in the end he didn’t want to meet etc. - he thanked my husband but only briefly and only via email. My husband was not thanked by the other two (brother and cousin) and was not e.g. taken out for a drink/meal, or even thanked via a phone call. In short, apart from me and my sibling no one else in the family has any idea of how much my husband did for no pay, no credit and no thanks. He spent weeks of his time on it. The other two were told about my husband’s help but didn’t seem to show any interest.

I feel incredibly hurt about this on behalf of my husband. I feel he has been used and that I have been too (to get information from him).

The icing on the cake has been today. They’ve made a decision about something major – all aided by my husband’s advice. The three of them are all now self-congratulatory – saying ‘we should thank x (involved sibling)’ and ‘he’s worked so hard…’ and the rest of the family are all saying, ‘thank you…’ None of the three of them have mentioned my husband and my cousin has even berated me for not being more grateful to my brother. I pointed out that my husband did a lot to help and he reluctantly said ‘oh, thank him…’ but I am so angry. My husband was so ill and I have had such major surgery that none of them have enquired about and my husband has had no acknowledgement. None of the rest of the family know about my husband’s help.

(As an aside both my husband and my cousin have nonstop criticised each other to me - ultimate hypocrisy when they are now so full of praise for each other. Only I know the things they’ve said (about how stupid they are etc!)
How can I move past this or drop into the conversation for the whole family about what my husband has done? I’d love to reveal their hypocrisy and what they’ve said about each other but can’t think of a way.

If they ask for his legal help in future, quote him the hourly rate with a mates rates discount...
People don't value what they don't pay for I've found. That's why they didn't accept his first advice until they'd gone round the houses, even though it was the correct one.

Make your feelings known and then drop it. He's given the advice now...does their congratulations after the fact make much difference? I think to keep on at it will just make your DH feel worse. Hopefully there is some benefit to you as you have a share in the business?

I recently read a letter in the Guardian’s Leading
Questions column where the LW was worried about a rift, if she tried to deal with a tricky family situation. What stuck out for me was this…

Telling him this has to change or he’s out is not you causing a rift in the family. He’s done that already. It’s just that so far, you’re the only one who’s noticed.

I thought this was really wise, and it seems to me that you’re in a similar position. The hornets’ nest has been stirred already, and it’s not of your doing. Bonbon21 makes an excellent suggestion, and I’d urge you to message along those lines. If others feel stung, well, so be it. (Admittedly, I have a fairly robust approach to badly behaved family members, so appreciate this might be difficult for you.)

Harsh lesson learned for your husband - it’s an absolute minefield giving professional advice to family and could have landed him in real hot water. Unless they’re a paying client with a proper letter of engagement (and professional indemnity insurance covering the advice) then it’s a disaster waiting to happen.

I agree your family sound ungrateful and thoughtless. However I think the happiest solution will be for you to let it go and learn the lessons - that your family aren’t appreciative, and your husband shouldn’t be doling out free advice.

This - a combination of this and @Bonbon21 suggested response. Don't be such a doormat.

I'd also follow it with a health update.
Just to let you all know, and thank you to those who have been kind enough to enquire, DH had his cancer treatment and is now xxx. I've had my v serious operation and I am now recuperating. I'm sure you'll all understand we are not terribly social right now but look forward to celebrating the completion of the deal with you all somewhere nice when it is arranged,...

So you should have opened your mouth then and stood up for your husband? If you didn’t then you are just as bad.