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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you think making a statement will make it worse?

55 replies

Estelleb87 · 06/08/2024 13:11

I've been having problems with a neighbour i don't get on with about what he refers to as constant banging, the constant banging I believe he's referring to is my toddler being heavy on his feet. He doesn't take care to walk around quietly as I do, he doesn't know any better. I'm doing my best.

I spent almost £1000 on carpet and £25 on some ridiculous slippers that claim to reduce the sound of steps in flats. I can hear everything from the family above me too. The block has absolutely no sound proofing. Everyone's in the same position.

After a somewhat peaceful few months of no problems he has has appeared at my door again this afternoon. My boys were playing with cars at the time, they certainly weren't making a racket as I don't allow them to. Any hint of being loud and I'm on it.

The neighbour tells me to tell them to keep it down. I asked, sincerely, what exactly it was he was hearing as they're just playing with toys they're not walking/running around. Well, with that he lost it.

Shouting, swearing and threatening me in front of the children who unbeknownst to me had followed me to the door.

It went from shouting about banging now to then shouting about how they get up too early and he can hear them getting up at 6.30am. He was absolutely raging at me.

At this point I said he needs to leave or I'm going to call the police and that was like a red flag to a bull. His girlfriend must have heard it all and came running out, she had to stand in front of him and drag him away as it looked like he was going to attack me, she managed to get him away from my door but he was still swearing and making threats as he left.

He said that if I call the police it'll be the worst thing I ever do and "that's it, watch what happens next now you've said that"

I had a talk with his girlfriend who tried to assure me that he won't do anything and it's just hot air but I'm absolutely petrified and I don't know what to do.

I have three police logs already about him but I asked for them to just be logged and kept on file incase it escalated as then I'd have a better case for harassment. The officer felt that was a reasonable thing to do at the time.

I was worried that if they pay him a visit it will come back on me because people like him don't like the police, which they acknowledged.

Logically it's simple isn't it? Make a statement, but he's made it clear that if I do I'll be making things worse. It should all be recorded on my ring doorbell (which I bought for exactly this reason)

Would you make a statement and risk escalating things or not?

OP posts:
lostinabook · 06/08/2024 13:16

I think you should make a statement but that is easy for me to say. It is already awful, you need to at least talk to the police and get their advice and have them review the footage I think.

If he kicks off again they would be able see it against your address I think?

MidnightPatrol · 06/08/2024 13:16

I’d immediately call the police, and explore who his landlord was to get him evicted.

Don’t not do something because you are afraid of him.

Tell the police he has threatened you and he has told you there will be consequences if you report him and you are afraid.

I would immediately set up a ring doorbell or similar so you have audio and visual logs of your interactions.

NotSureWhatUsernameToChoose · 06/08/2024 13:17

He said that if I call the police it'll be the worst thing I ever do and "that's it, watch what happens next now you've said that"

And exactly HOW could it get worse?! You hopefully have it all on ring doorbell, so report away! Hopefully he is the one who will have to "watch what happens next" the vile bully

One think I do know is that NOT reporting will not make things better

Tumblingjungleofchaos · 06/08/2024 13:20

Those are threats against you so yes you need to report it.

I know it's easy for us to say and difficult to do, but if you have evidence, he needs to be dealt with.

StirlingMallory · 06/08/2024 13:22

You're in a horrible situation & I realise it must be very frightening for you but I think I would contact the police and make a statement. He has assaulted you (common assault isn't touching, hitting etc it's just "putting someone in fear") and that needs to be dealt with or he'll keep doing it.

I know it's very easy for me to say this, much harder for you living it. I'm so sorry this man is making your home feel so unsafe.

NetflixAndKill · 06/08/2024 13:26

This is just awful. I really feel for you. OP is there any chance of a move? Are you buying/renting or is it council or HA? You have my sympathy x

1offnamechange · 06/08/2024 13:30

MidnightPatrol · 06/08/2024 13:16

I’d immediately call the police, and explore who his landlord was to get him evicted.

Don’t not do something because you are afraid of him.

Tell the police he has threatened you and he has told you there will be consequences if you report him and you are afraid.

I would immediately set up a ring doorbell or similar so you have audio and visual logs of your interactions.

She literally said she already has a ring doorbell that she bought for this purpose!

I would download the footage, then you have it as evidence even if you dont decide to tell the police this time. The thing is once you've told them you've removed the threat and there's no other way of escalating. Besides which the police aren't going to do anything other than come round and have a word.
Do you ever get a chance to see the girlfriend separately, is it worth trying to talk to her?

Estelleb87 · 06/08/2024 13:31

When he was stomping off shouting back about "watch what happens now" I tried to diffuse things by telling him I won't report him and I just wanted to make him leave (which I then reiterated when I was talking to his girlfriend) so as far as they're concerned I'm not going to do it.. but I really feel like I need to as I just know this isnt going to be the end of it 🙁

I don't want to come across badly here by stereotyping people but he's the type of person you would cross the road to avoid if you see coming. He's loud and aggressive, a complete chav and fancies himself as some sort of hard man.

OP posts:
Estelleb87 · 06/08/2024 13:36

I was talking to his girlfriend for about 15 minutes after he left, all very reasonable and civil. She didn't try to make any excuses for him and said whilst sure it can be annoying living underneath children you can't expect total silence. She said she knows I do my best to keep them quiet as she's heard me. We've exchanged numbers and I've welcomed her to call me any time if there's a problem as I can't communicate with him.

I don't think she could do much to stop him doing anything unfortunately he's a law unto him self.

I'm downloading the ring footage now.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 06/08/2024 13:41

It seems the girlfriend is a bit more reasonable. When he's out one day, could you try and have another chat with her. Get a bit of sympathy, and explain that if he does it again, you'll have no choice but to involve the police. But you don't want it to come to that. Not in a threatening way of course. Keep it really friendly. She's probably sick of his antics herself. Hopefully that will trigger an assurance that she'll have a word and it won't happen again.
If they don't heed the warning, then go ahead and report. They'll know it's you either way, so best to give the woman a chance to rectify it one last time.

KreedKafer · 06/08/2024 13:52

I would make a statement, definitely. He's threatened you very aggressively in front of your small child, and over pretty much nothing. It's obvious from what his girlfriend said that the noise from your flat isn't at all excessive. He's throwing his weight around and shouting at you because he thinks he can, and I suspect he'll shit himself if the police turn up and he realises you're not a pushover. I also think that if he does threaten you again, it will be taken more seriously if the police have previously spoken to him and he doesn't heed their warning, so it's definitely worth making a statement if you feel able.

I understand that it's scary, though.

Sounds his girlfriend is well aware of his bullshit - I feel a bit sorry for her because I'm guessing he's a massive bully at home as well.

MimiSunshine · 06/08/2024 13:52

Not reporting him won’t stop him doing this again.
so you can either wait nervously for him to blow up or you can make a statement to the police and again ask that they don’t do anything with it (they may decide they need to anyway) so it’s again on file for further escalation.

but this is the escalation, he doesn’t know you’ve already reported him does he and he behaved in this way.
imagine his girlfriend isn’t in next time to physically get in his way?

report him for your children’s sakes. Because you can have a flag put on your address that a 999 call is a priority response marker put on your address.

Fraaahnces · 06/08/2024 13:59

You have a right to “Peaceful enjoyment of your home”. I would suggest that you look into getting a camera if you can afford it. This guy’s behaviour is is intimidating and harassing. You and your kids have done everything reasonable to mitigate noise. He is clearly not behaving in a normal, proportionate manner. Keep a log and report him to the police and your council if necessary.

NoTouch · 06/08/2024 14:01

Calm down, have a cuppa, then review the ring bell footage and think what would you suggest to anyone who was treated that way.

Long term, he will keep bullying you as long as he feels you wont do anything about it and you will be anxious about it all the time. The situation may escalate if you do report it, and it may be harder short term but if you are going to live there it might improve things longer term.

Such a difficult situation, no one should be feel as though they are walking on egg shells in their own home. Sorry you are going through it.

Ivehearditbothways · 06/08/2024 14:02

Just report him to the police. Today.

DancefloorAcrobatics · 06/08/2024 14:05

Make a statement.

It's a clear case of harassment and if you do nothing you let him get away with it.
Tell the police you are frightened about him retaliating, they know how to handle it.
He's intimidating you and that's never ok!

itsgettingweird · 06/08/2024 14:07

His GF is clearly scared of his reaction too.

She's spent a long time trying to persuade you not to call the police.

Thing is - why is he so scared of the police coming round to him? I'm guessing he's not an a innocent without a record of this type of behaviour.

You have evidence. I'd use it.

Because right now you've been backed into a corner of agreeing to change your reasonable behaviour of the GF texts you and requests it.

Meanwhile it's all so he can live how he demands you all should and not be held accountable for his criminal behaviour.

skyeisthelimit · 06/08/2024 14:09

Definitely report him, he has threatened you.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 06/08/2024 14:15

@Estelleb87 I would actually let the council or the housing association see that footage

Estelleb87 · 06/08/2024 14:21

I've downloaded the videos from the exchange, there are three. For some reason it cut off and restarted twice, I expect its because he went out of the motion radius which I set to a very small area infront of the door. I'm going to watch it back now, I hope it caught his threats on there.

OP posts:
Estelleb87 · 06/08/2024 14:26

It's all on there, phew.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 06/08/2024 14:26

I would inform the police of his threatening behaviour. Log it . He wont come round again he will be told that if he does he will face consequences

WonderingAboutBabies · 06/08/2024 14:28

Absolutely report it. I have a neighbour who is absolutely awful and the police came over to chat to me. They were really kind and reassuring. They also spoke with the neighbour and gave them a warning.

Not a peep from the neighbour since, except a few pathetic scoffs if we walk past each other in the communal hallway...

teatimeplease · 06/08/2024 14:36

You can report it and have the police warn him rather than give a statement and it progress

teatimeplease · 06/08/2024 14:37

But tbh if you don't do anything, he knows he can act however he likes and get away with it, what if his girlfriend isn't there to calm him down next time? I'd be concerned for her too living with someone with that short of a fuse