Most of the time it has been a mutual fading out, but I have been ghosted by a good friend once. There was 3 of us who lived together in our early 20s and spent over a decade holidaying together and visiting each other in our respective homes all over the country. Dates were put in the diary like clockwork to meet up. My friend, let’s call her A, was completely reliable, dependable and a really good, solid friend. The type of friend to help you move house. The only thing that was perhaps slightly ‘odd’ was that neither me or B (our other friend) had met A’s family but we lived all over the country so that was understandable. A also got a boyfriend who could be quite intense, they ended up living together and we would visit. She gave no sign anything was untoward in their relationship and claimed to be happy.
A left a group chat the 3 of us had during the pandemic. She left at about 5am, which was quite strange. This very much concerned B and I, and I messaged A to find out what was going on - I was repeatedly ignored. After calling her, she eventually messaged me saying she wasn’t in a chatty mood and she would be in touch when she was ready. I said that I understood (although I didn’t, not really) and respected her need for space but she never contacted B or I again. I continued to check in and tried to be present, I sent her a birthday card, I asked if there was anything I had done to cause upset and that I would very much appreciate a conversation to understand why she had decided to do this. Nothing. I was so concerned I ended up attempting to contact a couple of her other friends but heard nothing back from them either. A had had a tough couple of years with regard to bereavement, but had no prior history of cutting people off as far as we know.
I consider myself a pretty robust and resilient person, but this ghosting was very de-stabilising - for B, too. We spent hours trying to figure it out, but we had to move on for our own sanity. I adored A; she was quieter than both B and myself, and I often wondered if we were ‘too much’ for her when we were younger, but we had certainly calmed down by the time she ghosted us. We spoke about her being a bridesmaid at my hypothetical wedding and making the cake. I always thought she’d be in my life. It’s the strangest sense of loss and I think I will always worry deep down that something untoward happened - it is hard accepting I will never know why. I will always think of her. Since she ghosted me I completed a doctorate, met my now DH, had DC and bought a house - milestones I always thought we would celebrate, as we always did before.
Ghosting is cruel and cowardly. Anyone has the right to stop contact with someone in their lives, and to have their boundaries respected. But after many years of friendship I think it is disrespectful not to at least give a reason or perspective. It is torturous to leave someone with a sense of paranoia and unanswered questions - of course it’s different if the person was abusive or toxic, but in my specific situation we seemed to have a lovely supportive friendship.