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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absent father seeking contact with child

36 replies

6gallonsaday · 06/08/2024 12:20

My child has a father who has never met them. Entirely his choice - left when I was pregnant, is not on three birth certificate as didn't care, has paid minimum maintenance on a regular basis, but never interested to even meet the child. He has other children - multiple other families. I have just got on with things, it has been years of a very hard and lonely life but I've done it. The child is doing very well, in all senses. I'm proud of them.

Now he has got in touch (by text message) and is suggesting he meets the child (age 9). The suggestion is I just hand them over, to him and whoever he is with. For a day or weekend.

AIBU in thinking more is needed before that could happen?

OP posts:
SonicTheHodgeheg · 06/08/2024 12:25

That would be a no from me too.

I would talk to ds and see what he thinks then I’d tell ex to take you to court. Supervised contact is a must at first

mbosnz · 06/08/2024 12:29

Um, yeah. NO. Sorry, but while he has a genetic link with this child, that is all he has. You have no way of knowing what sort of a person he is, whether he can be trusted with your child, whether he is capable of looking after this child.

It is not in the best interests of the child to simply hand him over to a TOTAL BLOODY STRANGER, upon request, simply because they share DNA. What is the motivation behind this sudden interest, totally out of the blue?

Supervised contact if the child wishes it, for short periods of time, at the very most. To be moved at the child's comfort level, and your own.

ARichtGoodDram · 06/08/2024 12:34

I'd bet he has a new partner. My ex always resurfaced when he had a new gf to impress.

When my ex went 12 months not bothering court then granted him supervised access until he rebuilt the relationship so no chance would anyone just be handing over a 9 year old to someone they've never met.

I'd be replying that you'll enter discussion when they forward a sensible plan for a gradual introduction that is in the best interest of the child otherwise you'll wait for their court application.

Starlightstarbright3 · 06/08/2024 12:35

My first question would be why ?

I am not sure I would even acknowledge the first message but would offer to meet in a public place alone to discuss it .

it always astonishes me some men think they can ignore their child for 9 years drop a text like it will be fine - no questions about what will work for your Dc .

I suspect new G/friend is behind this - my ex doesn’t let me see Dc

TomatoSandwiches · 06/08/2024 12:37

I'd just ignore the message tbh, if he is serious he can do all the paper work and running around to go to court.

OlympicsFanGirl · 06/08/2024 12:39

Does your child wish to meet their father? Now or when older?

If they do then a series of small introductory visits, with you present. to begin with and take it from there.

A day or a weekend is out of the question at the beginning and some time off and only once your child has built a relationship.

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 06/08/2024 12:42

If the child has shown a longing for their father I'd reply saying that the progression of contact will be at a pace you dictate and will begin with indirect contact, progressing to supervised and then assessed.

Alternatively they are free to apply for a C100.

Cerialkiller · 06/08/2024 12:44

If he's not on the birth certificate then he has zero control at this point in time and would need to get his name on there before he could apply for any access which would take considerable time.

I agree with a pp who said to request a realistic timetable to reintroduce contact after x number of years. What he has suggested is laughable and I can't see him responding with anything sensible at which point you simply refuse.

If it does in fact say something reasonable, at that point and only at that point ask your son if he is interested in meeting him. If it's a no, now or at any point in the process then you simply refuse again.

I agree that it's likely there is a partner to impress and he is likely spinning a tail of woe where you are keeping his child from him. He likely wants you to refuse to play into his narrative. Supervised or gradual contact doesn't fit into that.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 06/08/2024 12:49

hahahaha.

Mind blowing. I bet there's more to this - a new partner, or an older child wanting to meet a younger sibling or something.

The first thing to consider is whether your child has an yinterest in meetin gtheir father. If they do, okay, some thought can be given to this.

I'd be insisting on meeting him first, without your child even knowing. Catch up. Understand why suddenly he's back. What he is planning when he meets the child. Discuss what this might look like. If you are uncomfortable, then it's a no. If he's willing to discuss a sensible process that you believe works for you and your child, great

SmileLady · 06/08/2024 12:51

I wouldn't
I bet he has a new GF
I have custody of my niece and her dad i meant to have her overnight every weekend.it has never ever happened.but when he had a new GF to impress or give a sob story too, he contacts me saying he wants his rights to see his child.

I say yes, come Friday and pick her up. He never does. I usually text him Thursday night or Friday asking what time he is coming
Nothing.

I would be wary about this.

Readandwrite · 06/08/2024 12:52

Cerialkiller · 06/08/2024 12:44

If he's not on the birth certificate then he has zero control at this point in time and would need to get his name on there before he could apply for any access which would take considerable time.

I agree with a pp who said to request a realistic timetable to reintroduce contact after x number of years. What he has suggested is laughable and I can't see him responding with anything sensible at which point you simply refuse.

If it does in fact say something reasonable, at that point and only at that point ask your son if he is interested in meeting him. If it's a no, now or at any point in the process then you simply refuse again.

I agree that it's likely there is a partner to impress and he is likely spinning a tail of woe where you are keeping his child from him. He likely wants you to refuse to play into his narrative. Supervised or gradual contact doesn't fit into that.

He may not be on the Birth Certificate but the OP says he has paid minimum maintenence on a regular basis. I think a judge would decide that is significant because it implies that the OP acknowledges that he is the father. I'd recommend slow introduction and see how the child feels about. If heaven forbid anything should happen to the OP then the child might need to get to know her father and I'd hate to think that a difficult time would be made worse by them not having any relationship up until that point.

Meadowfinch · 06/08/2024 12:59

Not a chance. You haven't seen this man in 9 years, you have no idea what he is like.

I'd respond by saying, IF he is serious, then you will ask the child if they would like to meet him, and then you AND the child will meet him together, preferably on his own.

This is not an opportunity for him to show off to his new girlfriend or his other children. It is a chance for your child to meet their father and be the sole focus of his attention.

After that, IF the child wants to continue the relationship, he can gradually build up time spent with the child. Otherwise, no.

Some men are bloody unbelievable.

Original poster
6gallonsaday · 06/08/2024 13:04

I don't want to drip feed. To answer a pp the suggestion has come about at a point where child maintenance are wanting to look into his finances, as think he may be hiding income and owe more (their view, not insisted by me). So on the one hand he seems angry about that, then is suggesting he starts taking the child for days or weekends. It's presented as something to help me. He hasn't been interested in helping me before.

OP posts:
oberst · 06/08/2024 13:05

Absolutely not. I am in a similar situation but my dc is coming up to 13. I have no idea what his 'father' is doing, where he is or if he even has family. He made the decision when I decided to keep my baby.

If he randomly decided to say he wanted contact, it would be on my terms. But I also wouldn't stop it from happening. It's my child I need to think about here.

I sometimes go from, "when dc is 18 they can then decide for themselves" to "well is it my place to stop a relationship forming if it is under my supervision etc." I'd have to really think about the pros and cons of the situation.

My dc father isn't a a drug addict, alcoholic or maybe even seen as a 'bad person.' In my eyes he is, of course but I mean from other people's perspective if they don't know he abandoned his child etc which I just know he probably keeps to himself.

It's a tricky situation and not all answers will work for you.

I think I'd talk to someone about, get people's ideas who are close to my child. If I did decide that he could have a relationship and my child was also happy to, I'd make sure it was on our terms though. Meeting at a public place altogether first for a short time and build on that.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 06/08/2024 13:16

6gallonsaday · 06/08/2024 13:04

I don't want to drip feed. To answer a pp the suggestion has come about at a point where child maintenance are wanting to look into his finances, as think he may be hiding income and owe more (their view, not insisted by me). So on the one hand he seems angry about that, then is suggesting he starts taking the child for days or weekends. It's presented as something to help me. He hasn't been interested in helping me before.

Oh, so he wants to reduce CMS payments by supposedly demonstrating hes an active parent? Argh, wanker.

TomatoSandwiches · 06/08/2024 13:17

6gallonsaday · 06/08/2024 13:04

I don't want to drip feed. To answer a pp the suggestion has come about at a point where child maintenance are wanting to look into his finances, as think he may be hiding income and owe more (their view, not insisted by me). So on the one hand he seems angry about that, then is suggesting he starts taking the child for days or weekends. It's presented as something to help me. He hasn't been interested in helping me before.

What a surprise!

So sorry your child's father is so horrible.

Does your son have any interest in his sperm donor?

averythinline · 06/08/2024 13:22

I wouldn't talk to your child about it .... Until there is a definite plan of engagement... otherwise it is creating insecurities that are not there otherwise..

I would either ignore or as for a proposal if how they plan to introduce themselves into their childs life and explain the 9yrs of ignoring and the expected consistency...

What benefit are they bringing to the child now??

Or I would just tell them to make an application through court..... Call his bluff
Lets see if they are actually committed to do anything...

Circlesinthesand · 06/08/2024 13:26

Fuck no. He is a stranger to your child. I believe in these situations months of contact via writing is advised before any face to face meetings. As pp says if he really wants to step up let him go to court. He won't.

ARichtGoodDram · 06/08/2024 13:28

6gallonsaday · 06/08/2024 13:04

I don't want to drip feed. To answer a pp the suggestion has come about at a point where child maintenance are wanting to look into his finances, as think he may be hiding income and owe more (their view, not insisted by me). So on the one hand he seems angry about that, then is suggesting he starts taking the child for days or weekends. It's presented as something to help me. He hasn't been interested in helping me before.

I would tell him you don't need his help. You've managed fine for 9 years.

If he wishes contact for the benefit of your child he can go to court and a proper plan can be put in place that centres on your child's best interest

tiggergoesbounce · 06/08/2024 13:29

So has he been contacted by CMS to investigate his maintenance payments and now be wants to see his child ?

He's not on the birth certificate but you have accepted and acknowledged he is the father by accepting maintenance off him, so, surely, there could be no disagreement he was the father if he wanted to push for anything.

I would never stand in the way of a child having contact with both parents - but it needs to be managed correctly and if he consistently let's his child down on contact after coming back, then i would try to distance it a bit.

Does his child ask about him (a dad) at any times ?

Crumpleton · 06/08/2024 13:32

My child has a father who has never met them.

never interested to even meet the child.

is suggesting he meets the child (age 9).

Based on these 3 things unless your Ex takes it to court I'd suggest to him that you're now willing to wait another 9 years then your DC will be 18 and can decide theirself if they want to meet their father.

cherrytree12345 · 06/08/2024 13:34

PP is not correct, he would not need to have his name on the birth certificate before applying for contact. I do agree that this would need to be done at a pace to suit your child and not just hand over to someone who is a stranger to him. He could apply to go on the birth certificate and for parental responsibility if he wanted

Cerialkiller · 06/08/2024 13:36

Readandwrite · 06/08/2024 12:52

He may not be on the Birth Certificate but the OP says he has paid minimum maintenence on a regular basis. I think a judge would decide that is significant because it implies that the OP acknowledges that he is the father. I'd recommend slow introduction and see how the child feels about. If heaven forbid anything should happen to the OP then the child might need to get to know her father and I'd hate to think that a difficult time would be made worse by them not having any relationship up until that point.

Show quote history

That doesn't matter. He currently, legally has no parental rights. If he e.g. took ds and refused to return then op could call the police because he isn't a legal guardian.

Of course if he chose to, the ex could get onto the BC easily enough, I'm not claiming otherwise but the situation is as it is and op should be aware that she is in control currently as ds's only legal parent.

Cerialkiller · 06/08/2024 13:44

cherrytree12345 · 06/08/2024 13:34

PP is not correct, he would not need to have his name on the birth certificate before applying for contact. I do agree that this would need to be done at a pace to suit your child and not just hand over to someone who is a stranger to him. He could apply to go on the birth certificate and for parental responsibility if he wanted

It doesn't matter that he is paying cm, it doesn't matter if he has had contact previously or op has acknowledged that he is the father.

Currently ds only has one legal guardian, his mother/op and any contact is at her discretion.

If he wants legal contact arrangement he needs to established parental rights first.

Yes it would be easy enough to get his name on the birth certificate but it currently isn't the case and legally things stand as they do.

Sunshineafterthehail · 06/08/2024 13:49

My ex buggared off when dd was 2. He contacted my dm when dd was 7. I told him he could wait until she was older enough.. Dd never asked about him until she was 20. She met up with him. She said he was still feckless and she dumped him!! Hasn't heard from him in about 8 years.. Suggest he arranges a contact centre and to let you know when and where...