Absent father seeking contact with child

[6gallonsaday]

My child has a father who has never met them. Entirely his choice - left when I was pregnant, is not on three birth certificate as didn't care, has paid minimum maintenance on a regular basis, but never interested to even meet the child. He has other children - multiple other families. I have just got on with things, it has been years of a very hard and lonely life but I've done it. The child is doing very well, in all senses. I'm proud of them.

Now he has got in touch (by text message) and is suggesting he meets the child (age 9). The suggestion is I just hand them over, to him and whoever he is with. For a day or weekend.

AIBU in thinking more is needed before that could happen?

As you have never met <DS name> please let me know how you think it would be best to introduce yourself to him, and how you plan to answer any questions he may have about why you have not been a part of his life until now.

I also want to understand how you plan to build up your contact over time, so that he knows that you are serious about being a permanent part of his life. I am sure you are as keen as I am to make sure that <DS name> is comfortable with any changes, and that contact, including how often you see him, where and for how long, is in his best interests.

Then wait and see what he comes back with. If it's anything other than a decent and credible proposal then he can get stuffed and take you to court.

I'd tell him to take you to court. You don't know this man anymore and he is a stranger to your DC. He needs to demonstrate to a judge, who will ask some pretty hard questions, that coming into his child's life at this late stage would actually be beneficial to them as opposed to harmful. You should also take professional advice about what sort of contact would be suitable and I would have thought your DC's views would also be sought (CAFCASS? Independent social worker?). Him just walzing back in on his own terms and without any boundaries/reassurances could be very harmful and unsettling for your DC.

He's in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks whole day visits on his own with your DC or overnights would be in any way appropriate at the moment. He is not a trusted adult for your DC (his choice).

It's nice he finally wants contact, and obviously you shouldn't deny him contact, but no way can he just waltz in after 9 years and "have her for a day or two"!!

As he is a complete stranger to your DD then he is going to have to get to know her first so that she can get used to him. I'd suggest some sort of contact centre, or perhaps a friend or family member of yours could supervise a 1 hour visit each week?

We don’t hand our children over to strangers. Sharing DNA doesn’t change that.

Ignore him. Not out of unkindness but, this needs to be approached with care. There is no relationship and therefore zero trust.
He needs to go to through the courts for contact.
You can then suggest contact in a contact centre (if you’re in agreement with contact happening in the first place). Your argument for this extremely reasonable approach will be to allow trust to develop in a safe and neutral environment.

This was my DS1’s experience.
Hes 22 now and talks to his dad every day. I consider his dad one of my dearest friends whom I love with all my heart because he eventually showed up and did right. It was super bumpy, disruptive, emotional, and one of the hardest times of my life when he came back into our son’s life. But I understood that his dad was approaching this with his best intentions. I was willing to get my boots muddy and fix what was broken as soon as I trusted him and his intentions. The contact centre was a really great and successful choice. It removed me from the scene (which prevented me from being controlling which was my default reaction) and allowed me to trust that my DS was safe. And they really formed a lasting bond.

It’s a very weird experience for kids to meet the parent they never knew. This isn’t about dad’s rights but the child’s needs. Take your time. Get as much free legal advice as possible. This doesn’t have to be a fight if dad is a reasonable person. You know best! Trust yourself! Do what is safest above all for your child. Not all kids should have contact with their parents (if that parent is harmful and unsafe).

@SerenityNowInsanityLater

How long did he not see your child for?

Our life together has been reasonably peaceful. More so than friends, other parents who are divorcing and going through custody fights and courts. In a way despite being alone I've counted us luckier, ds hasn't had any of that to deal with at a young age.

So far all my child knows is that from nursery onwards people have asked, where is your daddy or why don't you have a daddy. And I developed age appropriate answers. I've been careful to steer my child away from any thoughts that a magical long lost, perfect daddy might appear one day, because that seemed such an easy trap to fall into.

5

Ok so clear he is probably next going to ask if you can agree on a private agreement rather than cms ..I think you seem sensible enough to ignore that ..

i think there is a lot of misinformation on this thread.

He can apply for contact without PR . Courts honestly suggest any contact is better than none so yes he can get contact and possibly more than at the pace that is right for your Dc . So waiting till court may not be the best way either .

so if he keeps messaging you need to reply .

court will only enforce when you have to make child available and he will use that as evidence to reduce payment via cms .

Would a court definitely say yes to contact after no contact after 9 years?

Ignore the message. He's not to know how may have changed your phone number. In fact I would change my phone number!

CAFCASS would almost certainly become involved and take the wishes of the child.

But without safeguarding concerns I'd say it's almost definite that a court would order contract.
Not at the rate he's expecting. But certainly building up.