Is this treating ds 21 months badly?

[Hmmwhaty]

I’m really exhausted and worried I am treating ds badly. He’s started being very difficult at bedtime and so I do the usually hug and sing a song but then put him down and he will resist. I’ve started just leaving the room. Around 3-5 mins later he has gone to sleep after some mild crying and frustration.

In the mornings I try to get up before him so I can sort things for the day and sometimes he will wake and I can hear him on the monitor but I will be carrying washing from the dryer or mid way through cleaning his bottle etc and so I don’t go up for 5 mins and he will be crying on and off, again mildly but still obviously wanting me. Should I be going to him immediately? What’s ok and what’s not? I feel tired and worried I am being a shit mum.

(single parent so nobody to step in for me)

Bless you, it must be so tough managing on your own. And toddler times are tough. I personally think what you're doing sounds fine. He is going to sleep so the grumbling/mild crying before hand doesn't seem to be discomfort or unmet need else he wouldn't drop off. I think the morning is also fine, we are talking 5 mins, which is very little in the grand scheme of his day.

@AttachmentFTW i worry in a two parent household this wouldn’t happen though? And it makes me very stressed and worried he’s not getting what he needs

I call this the boo-hoo zonks. Cry cry cry sleep. It's fine!

Also ok in the morning.

You're doing fine.

This sounds okay to me. Mild crying is fine, it would be different if he was really distressed.

I don't see an issue, if he's going to sleep after 5 minutes of self settling it sounds OK to me, it's not like you're leaving him to scream for hours. Same in the morning, children in families with more than one child sometimes have to wait a few minutes for mum's attention and that's just the way it is.

Sounds like you are doing a good job to support him to get himself to sleep, and still know you will come to him soon when he needs you.

Totally fine. I do both of these things with my toddlers too. I actually think it's good for them to learn that I won't come running to their every whinge and whine! It would be a different story if he was hysterical and clearly needing comfort.

@Hmmwhaty comparison is the thief of joy! No point comparing yourself to a two parent household, I bet there are two parent households up and down the country who let there little ones grumble and grouse for a bit before sleep and in the morning. You are doing the best you can in the circumstance you find yourself. I imagine doing those few littles jobs before you get him out of bed means you have a couple less things to think about while he is up, which is all to the good. Please try to be a bit kinder to yourself 💐

You can’t do the role of two parents, you can do the role of one caring, loving hands on parent within the restraints of the fact you are human and NEED to get stuff done.

Im in a two person household and baby STILL doesn’t get their needs met all the time as sometimes we both need to get stuff done at the same time and often it’s just not practical to be a perfect parent eg putting baby on CoComelon when driving or putting baby on CoComelon whilst cooking etc…I never wanted screentime but the alternative is screaming 🤷‍♀️

Two parent household here. One parent back at work after two weeks is normal and we all have jobs to do / other kids. Learning to wait is no bad thing.
Don't be harsh on yourself. The fact you are a one parent family is irrelevant in terms of the parent to child ratio 95% of the time so don't beat yourself up (although understand it's hard in other ways)

Self settling is a vital skill. Sleep deprivation has long term health risks for you. You are doing great. A few mins twisting is totally acceptable
..

Single mum here, it's hard! If he's grumbling for a few minutes that's fine, if he's crying/panicking/sounding distressed then go to him.

You're doing absolutely nothing wrong!! Being able to self soothe is so important! You're providing that in short bursts which is perfect. We are a two parent household and we would still do that, I'm not running off in the middle of a job - dishwasher etc- because my child has JUST woken up. Keep doing what you're doing and well done.

Sounds like you are doing a great job

I think it’s fine. My 6 month old sometimes is crying and I know it’s a sleepy cry so I put her in he cot, she’s still crying for about 2/3 minutes then she’s fast asleep. If it goes longer than 5/6 minutes then I realised I’ve got it wrong and she’s not tired so try comfort her etc. but 99% of the time it’s a sleepy cry and she’s soon fast asleep.

It's completely fine, in fact probably beneficial. Being able to self-settle is a vital skill. You don't need to respond to every little grumble.

If he's properly crying then obviously go to him as I'm sure you do. A tired grumble or a just woken up grumble, both fine to ignore (as is a bored grumble, an I'm not getting my own way grumble and a I'm being asked to entertain myself for five minutes grumble).

I voted YABU - it sounds like you are doing great and are not being shit. Be nice to yourself

It sounds like you're doing a great job. If your little one is going to sleep on his own after 5 minutes grizzling, that's brilliant. It's normal for little ones to do a bit of tired low level crying before dropping off, don't worry. It's fine to leave him in his cot in the morning for a few minutes if you're in the middle of something. Don't be so hard on yourself, you sound like a very caring and loving mum 💐

I rocked m ds1 to sleep for 3 years and never once let him whimper.

When ds2 was about a week old, I had to see to ds1 for something urgent at ds2's bedtime- maybe a wee- and by the time I had got back to ds2 he was asleep having grizzled for a minute or two.

I was amazed and realised then ds1 had never done that because I'd never given him the opportunity to!

You're not being cruel at all!

Sounds fine to me too! If bedtimes are becoming a struggle it may be time to think about dropping the nap? My DS is 22 months and just dropped his & now bedtime is a breeze. He’s out like a light

You sound like you are doing absolutely amazing 👏 it sounds like you have sleep training mastered , well done. I'm in awe of parents who managed to do this, put them down and walk out, for them do then drop off. Honestly super impressive.
And 5 mins here or there when he wakes up is no problem at all, you're doing fantastic ❤️

I do exactly the same (single parent, toddler, also worried I am a shit mum).

If I rock my little one to sleep (I did when they were a baby) it takes hours now because they just want to drag it out to hang out with me. I don't want to hang out with them at that point! I'm knackered and have a million things to do before I can even think about getting some R&R myself.

So I let them self-settle.
That sometimes includes a bit of yelling, moaning, singing, chatting etc.
I have a baby monitor so I can hear them and if they stand up in their cot or start proper crying/yelling for me then I obviously go and see what they need.

Same in the morning, those few childfree minutes I can get so much done.
Time when my toddler is awake it's virtually impossible to do anything, even answer texts (DC is napping right now) so in order to keep the wheels on the track I have to find ways to make it work.
I'm sure most 2 parent households do the same.!

Mine is slightly older.
If I drop the nap they really really struggle to get to sleep as they get over-tired.
I'm also very happy to keep the nap as long as it's needed.
DC's nursery, most children are still napping once a day in their room (mine doesn't because they only go half days)

Absolutely not. You're doing exactly the right thing and I'd be doing those things in a two parent family as well.

5 minutes is fine, and the fact he's falling asleep means he's probably just tired so a good thing as hes self settling. This is what you want! Also as long as it's just grizzling, mild crying and not genuine distress