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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going above and beyond

41 replies

allbymysel · 04/08/2024 23:53

So for background dh works full time in a stressful job. I work 2.5 days a week in a non stressful job. (To fit around our son)
We have a disabled child whose behaviour is challenging.
During the week I do all mornings with ds from 6am till school, dh goes to gym then work. I do after school until dh gets in at 6. Dh has tea and chills out. While I deal with ds/clean up. We do bed time together.
Weekends, I work Saturday morning so dh has ds. dh gets a lay in on Sunday morning. During the day either I take ds out alone or we see family or we go out as a family.

Term time I have 3 days to myself while ds is at school (9-3) I use this time to visit elderly parents, walk dog (2x45 minutes a day) go to gym and do housework. It makes life easier definitely.

In the holidays I have ds all day except when I'm working. This is fine in shorter hols but it's hard in 6 weeks due to his level of need. I ask dh to book a few days off to help. He's really resentful of doing it. Tonight he described it as going above and beyond and making his life more stressful. And that he needs time off to rest not be more stressed. He also said his life is more stressful than mine so he shouldn't have to do more.

Is booking some time off to spend with your family really going above and beyond?

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 04/08/2024 23:57

He sounds completely disengaged. What else does he do apart from parent on Saturday morning? It comes across to me as though his life hasn't changed at all. It doesn't surprise me that he doesn't want to 'waste' his holiday on his child.

repos · 04/08/2024 23:59

But he isn't booking time off to spend with his family, really and truly, he will be pulling his weight and helping out - it won't feel like a rest to him.

However, having said that, he should definitely help you out as he is the other parent - duties don't stop just because you have a stressful job.

But I can see it from both point of views, being a parent is not easy and one parent usually feels they're doing more than the other. I think you need to communicate what you need from him as the other parent. Good luck.

Quitelikeit · 05/08/2024 00:00

I’d be absolutely furious- he doesn’t have a clue does he?

You deserve a medal for tolerating him!

Original poster
allbymysel · 05/08/2024 00:13

cupcaske123 · 04/08/2024 23:57

He sounds completely disengaged. What else does he do apart from parent on Saturday morning? It comes across to me as though his life hasn't changed at all. It doesn't surprise me that he doesn't want to 'waste' his holiday on his child.

Week days he helps with bed time (around thirty min ) Nothing else really unless bin needs putting out.

Weekend he has DS Saturday morning, he does breakfast, ds watches tv , he gets him dressed and they might play for half hour. I'm back by 1230.

He does cook at weekends and will put a wash on or empty dishwasher. We share dog walks.

We usually see family a couple times a month. If not I'll normally take ds out Saturday afternoon to give dh a break and he lays in Sunday morning. Sunday afternoon we might go to a park or similar.

He doesn't do a lot with ds (like outings) so I think he struggles

OP posts:
Original poster
allbymysel · 05/08/2024 00:32

I just feel like it's all on me. He also struggles with DS meltdowns so then I have to manage his mood as well. It's exhausting. The easiest solution is to do it all myself but I don't see why I should.

I can't behave like that

OP posts:
ShanieH · 05/08/2024 01:06

How stressful is his job? You say it's stressful. I'm torn, as you get about 120 days a year to yourself. I assume his annual leave is limited, when does he use it if not in the 6 weeks holidays?

Original poster
allbymysel · 05/08/2024 01:34

ShanieH · 05/08/2024 01:06

How stressful is his job? You say it's stressful. I'm torn, as you get about 120 days a year to yourself. I assume his annual leave is limited, when does he use it if not in the 6 weeks holidays?

Well I get three days a week 9-3 so 6 hours. I'm up with ds 6am and he goes to bed at 830pm.(Term time only) . I don't really rest during that time but I appreciate it fairly stress free.

He's a project manager. So not stressful like police/fire fighters etc. But deadlines and pressure to deliver. He works 8-5 Monday to Thursday and 8-1 Fridays. He never does overtime.

OP posts:
Original poster
allbymysel · 05/08/2024 01:39

His annual leave is -

1 week family holiday
1 week Xmas
A couple days off for birthday (dhs)
Ds birthday

Then some random days for weddings/appointments/events.

That normally leaves him with around ten days. I ask for 3 days over summer hols.

He generally ends up taking several random days in November as he gets told to use it up.

OP posts:
BettyBardMacDonald · 05/08/2024 02:48

What income are each producing?

junebirthdaygirl · 05/08/2024 03:18

You never get a lie on. That's exhausting. Unless you pop in for a nap when ds is in school. Is there anyone able to care for ds for a weekend or even a day so ye can have some adult time. Do you both ever get a night out together or to have fun. Do you get to meet a friend for a coffee or a walk. Thinking about what would fill my tank in your situation.

Prismsandprunes · 05/08/2024 04:34

BettyBardMacDonald · 05/08/2024 02:48

What income are each producing?

Why does that matter? If you price the care the OP gives at a market rate, she's worth a lot more $ than his contribution.

cupcaske123 · 05/08/2024 06:29

allbymysel · 05/08/2024 00:32

I just feel like it's all on me. He also struggles with DS meltdowns so then I have to manage his mood as well. It's exhausting. The easiest solution is to do it all myself but I don't see why I should.

I can't behave like that

Yes of course the easiest solution for him is for you to do everything while he sits there with his feet up. He doesn't get enough practice handling meltdowns obviously so perhaps you can take them in turns.

Your son has two parents and your husband should be putting in the time. That's his job as a dad. He needs to spend more time with his son. Can you have a conversation about how fed up you are of carrying everything yourself and how you need him to share the load?

Original poster
allbymysel · 05/08/2024 07:28

@cupcaske123 this started because he's annoyed as we have had a few days together. He sees it as in typical weeks where he works mon-Fri and gets some of weekends to him self. He sees that as his full capacity and he can't cope with more. Hence the issue with taking time off in hols to help with ds.

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 05/08/2024 07:34

allbymysel · 05/08/2024 07:28

@cupcaske123 this started because he's annoyed as we have had a few days together. He sees it as in typical weeks where he works mon-Fri and gets some of weekends to him self. He sees that as his full capacity and he can't cope with more. Hence the issue with taking time off in hols to help with ds.

I'm assuming he agreed to have a child. Being a parent isn't a part time role as you know, he doesn't get to choose his hours.

What do you mean by he can't cope? Do you think he's burnt out and suffering from mental health issues? Perhaps he needs to see a GP if that's the case.

Original poster
allbymysel · 05/08/2024 07:48

We both struggle with mental health. I had a breakdown 7 years ago because I was trying to work in a stressful job and do everything else on too (dh did less then) I've had lots of counselling and worked hard on my mh since.

Dh started to struggle with stress and depression about 5years ago, he refuses to get any help. I've tried to help him but he doesn't take on board any advice. He did take up exercise and healthy eating which has helped. I got him to try CBT but he didn't engage in it so they signed him off.

He has this idea I his head that day to day life is him at 100% coping so he can not take on anymore. He sees my life as easier because I get time in the week to myself but he gets some too (although not as much) and my job isn't stressful (although it is tiring and draining) but he thinks when there's added stresses -illness, school holidays, big events, emergencies. That I should carry all of that as I (in his opinion ) have less stress normally. So in his head it's like I have a bank of stress free time that I owe??

OP posts:
Original poster
allbymysel · 05/08/2024 07:49

Yes ds was planned obviously we didn't know he would be disabled but that's life . If I died I don't know how dh would cope.

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 05/08/2024 07:58

allbymysel · 05/08/2024 07:49

Yes ds was planned obviously we didn't know he would be disabled but that's life . If I died I don't know how dh would cope.

I don't know what to suggest OP. You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. He won't look for a less stressful job, he won't do anything about his mental health and he sounds like he's only just coping.

Meanwhile you're carrying the full load of dealing with a disabled child. I can only suggest looking for support groups in the area and not relying on him for help or support. You're on your own.

Phineyj · 05/08/2024 08:01

Of course you're not unreasonable.

And he is not at "maximum stress". That is a most unhelpful belief. But then we have someone here who would not engage with CBT...

If you both took the same rigid inflexible attitude, your poor son would be screwed.

However, a few days with a resentful person is hardly going to be helpful or relaxing. That's a red herring. I'd let that one go (although wasting his leave is ridiculous - he could use those days as single days and at least do before and after school with DS while you do something else).

Was the dog your idea? Does the dog add to your life and DSs'? Because if not (I realise this is MN heresy), that's where I'd be saving time and money to spend on myself.

And he should not be getting the only lie ins!

AuntMarch · 05/08/2024 08:03

repos · 04/08/2024 23:59

But he isn't booking time off to spend with his family, really and truly, he will be pulling his weight and helping out - it won't feel like a rest to him.

However, having said that, he should definitely help you out as he is the other parent - duties don't stop just because you have a stressful job.

But I can see it from both point of views, being a parent is not easy and one parent usually feels they're doing more than the other. I think you need to communicate what you need from him as the other parent. Good luck.

Moat parents of school age children use most of their holiday to "help out". (I think you meant "be a parent")

LostTheMarble · 05/08/2024 08:08

BettyBardMacDonald · 05/08/2024 02:48

What income are each producing?

Doesn’t matter. The op is working two jobs, her part time paid work and full time carer of their child with additional needs. It’s not a top trumps of who has the biggest wage, the husband isn’t pulling his weight, being a good parent or giving the op a break. His time is not more valuable than hers.

Original poster
allbymysel · 05/08/2024 08:16

Phineyj · 05/08/2024 08:01

Of course you're not unreasonable.

And he is not at "maximum stress". That is a most unhelpful belief. But then we have someone here who would not engage with CBT...

If you both took the same rigid inflexible attitude, your poor son would be screwed.

However, a few days with a resentful person is hardly going to be helpful or relaxing. That's a red herring. I'd let that one go (although wasting his leave is ridiculous - he could use those days as single days and at least do before and after school with DS while you do something else).

Was the dog your idea? Does the dog add to your life and DSs'? Because if not (I realise this is MN heresy), that's where I'd be saving time and money to spend on myself.

And he should not be getting the only lie ins!

The dog has unfortunately brought additional stress , we thought he would be a friend to ds but it hasn't worked out. I considered that we should rehome him when he was younger due to increased stress but dh felt strongly we should not. He's a lot easier now and very much a family member. He needs lots of walks but he's a good dog.

OP posts:
Original poster
allbymysel · 05/08/2024 08:20

Thank you everyone. I know there's not really a solution. A lot of the time it's fine and doable but it's if I need a bit extra support he's resentful. I don't think he recognises that I do all the day to day stuff and ensure he gets time to himself for his benefit. It certainly doesn't benefit me. He sees it as if I ask for extra from him that he's helping me out not just contributing to being a parent

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 05/08/2024 08:23

allbymysel · 05/08/2024 08:20

Thank you everyone. I know there's not really a solution. A lot of the time it's fine and doable but it's if I need a bit extra support he's resentful. I don't think he recognises that I do all the day to day stuff and ensure he gets time to himself for his benefit. It certainly doesn't benefit me. He sees it as if I ask for extra from him that he's helping me out not just contributing to being a parent

There isn't a solution OP. He says he can't cope with doing more than he's doing and won't to anything constructive to help him cope better.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2024 08:23

You should both get a lie in. Working more while DS is at school and not on Saturdays would give you a better balance.

Original poster
allbymysel · 05/08/2024 08:36

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2024 08:23

You should both get a lie in. Working more while DS is at school and not on Saturdays would give you a better balance.

It's tricky I'm very lucky to have found a job that fits round our son as we can't access childcare due to his needs. Working Saturday makes it easier for me to earn money without worrying about childcare.

OP posts: