Going above and beyond

[allbymysel]

So for background dh works full time in a stressful job. I work 2.5 days a week in a non stressful job. (To fit around our son)
We have a disabled child whose behaviour is challenging.
During the week I do all mornings with ds from 6am till school, dh goes to gym then work. I do after school until dh gets in at 6. Dh has tea and chills out. While I deal with ds/clean up. We do bed time together.
Weekends, I work Saturday morning so dh has ds. dh gets a lay in on Sunday morning. During the day either I take ds out alone or we see family or we go out as a family.

Term time I have 3 days to myself while ds is at school (9-3) I use this time to visit elderly parents, walk dog (2x45 minutes a day) go to gym and do housework. It makes life easier definitely.

In the holidays I have ds all day except when I'm working. This is fine in shorter hols but it's hard in 6 weeks due to his level of need. I ask dh to book a few days off to help. He's really resentful of doing it. Tonight he described it as going above and beyond and making his life more stressful. And that he needs time off to rest not be more stressed. He also said his life is more stressful than mine so he shouldn't have to do more.

Is booking some time off to spend with your family really going above and beyond?

It's certainly unsolvable unless he changes his attitude.

Unfortunately changing the attitude of someone who believes in their heart of hearts that they're more important than you is very difficult if not impossible. But you can change your own attitude.

You do not say what your son's disability is, but perhaps it is heritable? I have an autistic/ADHD child who manages quite well day to day but those outside our immediate family don't see what it takes to achieve that.

One of my challenges is that DH (almost certainly also autistic/ADHD) finds it hard to be flexible or to take on advice or learn from recurring problems.

I do get fed up of being the "frontal lobe" for the family.

What I suggest is, when it comes to your own needs, be a little more selfish. Protect yourself. Look to the future.

You have made a lot of sacrifices for your joint child. Don't take on anything else. Put yourself first where you can.

Of course the dog was DH's idea 😂.

@Phineyj
Thank you ❤️ yes Autism with developmental delays. I'm also autistic. I suspect dh is but he would never test. For the most part I try to make the best of things and not take accountability for dh moods. Once in a while it gets me down though.
Afraid the dog was my idea!! 😂

That normally leaves him with around ten days. I ask for 3 days over summer hols.

He generally ends up taking several random days in November as he gets told to use it up.

That's a piss take and checking out of family life. Does he see the fact that you have so many days off as your time to chill so therefore he wants time to chill. But any decent man would want to spend time with his family in the holidays.

I think he sees it as I have it easier than him day to day. Which is debatable, some days are easy others are really tough. I know he couldn't cope. But because my life is 'easier' than his I shouldn't need help.

I agree it definitely does sound easier on your days off. But what man wouldn't want to have some annual leave with his wife and child in the 6 weeks, but waste annual leave that wasn't used. Crazy.

He's a project manager. So not stressful like police/fire fighters etc. But deadlines and pressure to deliver. He works 8-5 Monday to Thursday and 8-1 Fridays. He never does overtime.

I would challenge his assertion that this is stressful. yes project management can be stressful but if he does those very regular hours, with no need to work outside that to meet his deadlines then it’s not as stressful as most project management jobs.

Oh and don’t forget he gets to go to the gym every morning.

I appreciate that he is struggling with his MH and that your DS having additional needs is probably contributing to his poor MH but he can’t just check out of being a parent and leave most of it, especially the difficult bits, to you.

Your life is not easier than his, your job may be but you do everything else and you know if he was left on his own with DS he couldn’t make his life work & he wouldn’t cope but if you were on your own without him you absolutely would make life work because that is essentially what you are doing now.

I have 2 disabled children that I'm the main carer of - there's no way I'd ask my partner to book a few days off work "just to help"
A) it would throw the children's routine
B) I know that yes it's hard being the parent of a special needs child but at least for the most part I can have a cuppa when I want, can make the day as relaxing or as stressful as I want, my partner can't when they're at work
C) random odd days need to be kept for emergency situations which happen more frequently with disabled children.

Book a break away for the 3 of you or have solid plans of what you're going to do with his few days off and that's going to be better.

Can you use any clubs during school holidays or are they not suitable?

project management can be pretty stressful ime, can he reduce his hours at all? DH will use some of his annual leave during term time so he can have a good few hrs break without dc. I don’t have an issue with that, because I work p/t.

That’s not stressful, doesn’t do overtime & finishes at 1pm on a Friday! Wow, he hasn’t got a clue!

God help you OP, that is some lazy disengaged loser you are with.

Shit husband and father.
You are carrying a huge load.
I am so sorry it is so hard.

By not stepping up and been a parent he's admitting your life isn't easier

Disagree company may not allow extra hours but put pressure on him to achieve certain goals or be more of a team player which if he is autistic then maybe very challenging.

Absolute lols at a 35-40 hour week as a project manager being so stressful that he can do next to fuck all parenting and household duties. He is taking the absolute piss.

we can't access childcare due to his needs

What is the long term outlook? Is DS likely to need less care and become more capable as he gets older? Or will he stay the same?
For how many years do you think the current situation will continue?

What deadbeat scum your husband is. The entire point of a husband is to enhance your life, make it fun and hugely easier. If not, there's absolutely zero point to him.

What happens when you burn out? When do you get respite and a moment to yourself.

stop going out Saturday afternoons and make Saturday your day. Go to work and then go visit a friend or see a movie. You will be able to cope better having had some free time.

parenting isn’t a job you clock in and out of. Can you set it so DH gets up on the mornings you work and gets child ready and then he can go to the gym before work.