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Original poster

should i not have text sister

67 replies

itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 20:46

Me and my siblings are no contact! they are not blocked or anything, but for my own MH and sanity i had to go NC earlier this year. They have sent me the odd message in the past months, but i've chosen either not to reply, or have replied with simple acknowledgement and not engaged with them further! (for example i have a very poorly sister, who i am also NC with and i've received a text telling me they are in hospital, or this that and the other, i assume in a bid to guilt me into communicating)

Today, there was a demonstration very close to one of the sisters homes, and the homes and work places of her children and for one reason or another, it was clear it was going to go very wrong, which it did and very quickly, so i dropped my sister a quick text, telling her to stay safe!

Just because i am NC, doesn't mean i wish them harm, but apparently now i am the devil for messaging her!

Should i have just not bothered? by NC do i litterally have to absolutely never contact or respond again, no matter what the circumstance?

OP posts:
Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 22:05

EmbarrassingMother · 04/08/2024 21:59

You seem like you want to have the upper hand of when you want to reply or text. Like a power thing. What makes you so special?

I have a NC sibling like you, and I’ve taken her upper hand away, and have completely blocked her everywhere after she ignored our other siblings partner dying and sibling’s subsequent heart attack. That’s what your siblings should do to you too. You don’t get to pick and choose. Leave them alone.

thank you.. i did say its been some months, and in all that time i have never contacted my sister first, as i've said its always been a response to what she has messaged me. today was the first time i have sent her a message.

i'm sorry for your loss, i can understand how this upset you, very similar to when my husband passed away and my sister messaged and asked where was the best place to stand at the funeral for her to see me cry.

OP posts:
Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 22:09

i'm not going to lie, some of these responses are harsh, but they are making me think.. i never blocked my siblings because even though i can't have them in my life, if they ever needed me, i would be there!

however, i can see that this is very wrong now. there are lots of reasons why i chose NC (which i now know is not actually what i had done), and i do actually need to go full NC and as much as it pains me, i do need to block these people without guilt

OP posts:
Anele22 · 04/08/2024 22:22

Can I ask what was the answer you received to your text? You said ‘but apparently now I am the devil for messaging’. How did they communicate this?

Fedupmeds · 04/08/2024 22:28

I have not spoken to my siblings for 20yrs no text no phone calls or social media contact due to older sibling being a control freak, could not deal with back stabbing, tittketattle, so enough was enough , my husband children grandchildren and in laws are all the family I need , and no regrets. Its a decision you can only make and stick to.

Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 22:29

Anele22 · 04/08/2024 22:22

Can I ask what was the answer you received to your text? You said ‘but apparently now I am the devil for messaging’. How did they communicate this?

she replied telling me that i was dead to her, that she didn't care what i had to say and that i needed to crawl back under my rock, she also said that i had a cheek telling her to take care when i never replied to her when she told me she had a new car.

i admit the word 'devil' was not used, that was my interpretation. i did not reply.

OP posts:
Anele22 · 04/08/2024 22:47

itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 22:29

she replied telling me that i was dead to her, that she didn't care what i had to say and that i needed to crawl back under my rock, she also said that i had a cheek telling her to take care when i never replied to her when she told me she had a new car.

i admit the word 'devil' was not used, that was my interpretation. i did not reply.

Show quote history

Wow! That’s appalling. I’m so sorry OP. I think you’re better off without them. And I think you were right not to reply.

setmestraightplease · 04/08/2024 23:09

@itstartswithus Should i have just not bothered? by NC do i litterally have to absolutely never contact or respond again, no matter what the circumstance?

flippin' heck - if you're worried, you're worried! And there's no shame in being worried.

You did what you needed to do because you were concerned about your sister.

No contact..... low contact........... full contact - what does it matter how anybody else reacts. You've followed your instincts and that's what matters x

Ponkpinkpink15 · 04/08/2024 23:42

AmiablePedant · 04/08/2024 21:03

what is a "text sister"?
The past tense of the verb "to text" is "texted"

@AmiablePedant

Pedant's Corner >>>>>

If you can't behave yourself elsewhere, sit on your hands.

Turophilic · 04/08/2024 23:57

You're messing them around by not responding (or being curt as your previous posts suggest) then sending a concerned message. If it's not OK for them to contact you about things, it's not OK for you to message them either.

AmiablePedant · 05/08/2024 00:05

Ponkpinkpink15 · 04/08/2024 23:42

@AmiablePedant

Pedant's Corner >>>>>

If you can't behave yourself elsewhere, sit on your hands.

Show quote history

Outlaw Pedant, speeding down the threads looking for language in distress, born to be wild and grammatical . . . .

Ponkpinkpink15 · 05/08/2024 00:11

AmiablePedant · 05/08/2024 00:05

Outlaw Pedant, speeding down the threads looking for language in distress, born to be wild and grammatical . . . .

Show quote history

@AmiablePedant

Or just plain nasty.

Ponkpinkpink15 · 05/08/2024 00:25

@itstartswithus

and my sister messaged and asked where was the best place to stand at the funeral for her to see me cry

firstly I'm so sorry to hear about you DH, your past with one sister & their subsequent behaviour.

As you have learnt during the course of your thread NC does actually mean NO Contact, whereas I don't think that's quite what you want which is really LOW contact. But understandably it's difficult.

Did your sister actually say that or was that your take on something she said/asked?? Is it possible she just asked where she should stand to see you/ be near you, but that you were comfortable with?

I am LC with my brother. However, circumstances sometimes mean we need to be in contact & at such times we do chat a bit (WhatsApp messages, not on the phone) & suddenly he'll just stop replying. That always hurts, it's easier when he just doesn't start chatting.

Families are complicated. Relationships are complicated.

As you would still want to help them if they were in trouble, do you think maybe counselling/family therapy could help you all find a way through this together?

if my brother & I lived in the same country I'd consider it. But it's not something I want to do online.

Maddy70 · 05/08/2024 00:27

SwingTheMonkey · 04/08/2024 20:59

So, you receiving a text to let you know your very poorly sister is in hospital is them trying to guilt you into communicating with them… but your message regarding a demonstration which, presumably they already knew about as it was as in their doorstep should be seen differently by your sibling?

I have to agree with this. Ya probably being unreasonable

Itiswhysofew · 05/08/2024 00:36

They probably assume that you really don't care about them, so why should they believe that your text was heartfelt or genuine. I'd say that any texts they send are intended to make you feel guilty.

Lovingsummers · 05/08/2024 01:43

The reasons don't matter but you are sending mixed signals. You're no contact ,but you're contacting them with a text that reads like you care and are part of their life. When they already feel like you don't care due to indifferent replies to their texts and low contact. I think you need to decide what you want. No contact? Low contact? Contact? Right now you seem to be half in half out.

Did you ever announce you were no contact? We had a member of our family announce they were going no contact, then continue with little bits of contact by post regularly. We felt like they wanted to have their cake and eat it too, and it felt like a way to stay in control in our lives. After a few years of this I decided not to play their game and decided that they had said they were no contact, so they were going to be no contact. They may as well have been sending their messages into a black hole after that, though it still took years of no response from us for them to stop.

setmestraightplease · 05/08/2024 02:00

The reasons don't matter but you are sending mixed signals. You're no contact ,but you're contacting them with a text that reads like you care and are part of their life. When they already feel like you don't care due to indifferent replies to their texts and low contact. I think you need to decide what you want. No contact? Low contact? Contact? Right now you seem to be half in half out.

@itstartswithus It really doesn't matter what the other members of your family think - what actually matters is what YOU think and what contact YOU are happy with.

There are always going to be circumstances that you feel you need to make contact, so just be prepared that it will probably have consequences.

But so what??! Your conscience is going to be clear. And you can deal with any fall-out

Carry on doing what you're doing and remain true to yourself

Original poster
itstartswithus · 05/08/2024 10:35

Ponkpinkpink15 · 05/08/2024 00:25

@itstartswithus

and my sister messaged and asked where was the best place to stand at the funeral for her to see me cry

firstly I'm so sorry to hear about you DH, your past with one sister & their subsequent behaviour.

As you have learnt during the course of your thread NC does actually mean NO Contact, whereas I don't think that's quite what you want which is really LOW contact. But understandably it's difficult.

Did your sister actually say that or was that your take on something she said/asked?? Is it possible she just asked where she should stand to see you/ be near you, but that you were comfortable with?

I am LC with my brother. However, circumstances sometimes mean we need to be in contact & at such times we do chat a bit (WhatsApp messages, not on the phone) & suddenly he'll just stop replying. That always hurts, it's easier when he just doesn't start chatting.

Families are complicated. Relationships are complicated.

As you would still want to help them if they were in trouble, do you think maybe counselling/family therapy could help you all find a way through this together?

if my brother & I lived in the same country I'd consider it. But it's not something I want to do online.

no im afraid it was an actual request for the best place for her and other sister to sit so they could see my distress and laugh! in the end we had to ask them not to attend, this is pretty much the straw that broke the camels back as far as having a relationship..

i know now what i do need to do

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