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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should i not have text sister

67 replies

itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 20:46

Me and my siblings are no contact! they are not blocked or anything, but for my own MH and sanity i had to go NC earlier this year. They have sent me the odd message in the past months, but i've chosen either not to reply, or have replied with simple acknowledgement and not engaged with them further! (for example i have a very poorly sister, who i am also NC with and i've received a text telling me they are in hospital, or this that and the other, i assume in a bid to guilt me into communicating)

Today, there was a demonstration very close to one of the sisters homes, and the homes and work places of her children and for one reason or another, it was clear it was going to go very wrong, which it did and very quickly, so i dropped my sister a quick text, telling her to stay safe!

Just because i am NC, doesn't mean i wish them harm, but apparently now i am the devil for messaging her!

Should i have just not bothered? by NC do i litterally have to absolutely never contact or respond again, no matter what the circumstance?

OP posts:
JaxiiTaxii · 04/08/2024 21:12

Maybe the sister had come to terms with No Contact I.e. never hearing from you again, and maybe that was very upsetting for her.

Then you send a caring text & its blown her mind & opened old wounds because she doesn't know where she stands again. Does this mean she can contact you too? If so when? Only when there's rioting? It's blurred the lines. I can sort of understand why she may be upset.

But I'd say you are currently low contact, not no contact. Only you can decide what's appropriate & healthy but I think it's only fair that it's consistent.

MasterOfOne · 04/08/2024 21:13

itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:08

irrelevant.. you don't need to know why i've chosen NC

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Not irrelevant actually. It actually plays a huge part as to whether yoy are being unreasonable or not...

However you clearly don't seem to see the issue with your behaviour with your siblings or on this thread.

Seems like you've done your siblings a favour going nc.

Sunsetbeachhouse · 04/08/2024 21:18

AmiablePedant · 04/08/2024 21:03

what is a "text sister"?
The past tense of the verb "to text" is "texted"

Backing Up Homer Simpson GIF

🤦‍♀️

Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:18

MillyMollyMandHey · 04/08/2024 21:05

This isn’t NC

thank you... i didn't realise! i didn't want to block my sisters because if they ever needed me i obviously would help!

OP posts:
twentysevendresses · 04/08/2024 21:18

I don't think you understand the whole concept of 'non-contact' OP. It means what it says in the tin...you have 'NO contact'.

You are either NC or you're not! You need to pick a side if this fence really - your messages and 'replies/no replies' are confusing for your sisters! Decide...then stick to it 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:19

MasterOfOne · 04/08/2024 21:13

Not irrelevant actually. It actually plays a huge part as to whether yoy are being unreasonable or not...

However you clearly don't seem to see the issue with your behaviour with your siblings or on this thread.

Seems like you've done your siblings a favour going nc.

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thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:23

twentysevendresses · 04/08/2024 21:18

I don't think you understand the whole concept of 'non-contact' OP. It means what it says in the tin...you have 'NO contact'.

You are either NC or you're not! You need to pick a side if this fence really - your messages and 'replies/no replies' are confusing for your sisters! Decide...then stick to it 🤷‍♀️

thank you, and so it seems. if sister texts, and we are talking very occasionally, depending on the reason for the contact, depends on if a reply is needed.

i had assumed that as up to now, she has always been the one contacting me, and i have simply replied politely and without engaging that that was NC.

i now know its not! i also assumed that if she texts me about her or one of my other sisters being ill, that in times of trouble a 'take care of yourselves' message wasn't unacceptable.

basically i need to 'not care' and realise thats going to be hard, so i have some decision making to do

OP posts:
TemuSpecialBuy · 04/08/2024 21:25

You are essentially breadcrumbing them...

She was actually ill in hospital and you couldn't show any concern beyond "thanks for letting me know"

So... A cold response to something bad actually happening.

You then send a caring / sympathetic message about something that hasnt happened but theoretically could...

Someone in your family is a headwrecker for sure... but I'm not sure its who you think it is.

mistymirror · 04/08/2024 21:31

JaxiiTaxii · 04/08/2024 21:12

Maybe the sister had come to terms with No Contact I.e. never hearing from you again, and maybe that was very upsetting for her.

Then you send a caring text & its blown her mind & opened old wounds because she doesn't know where she stands again. Does this mean she can contact you too? If so when? Only when there's rioting? It's blurred the lines. I can sort of understand why she may be upset.

But I'd say you are currently low contact, not no contact. Only you can decide what's appropriate & healthy but I think it's only fair that it's consistent.

I agree with this.

If I were your sibling who had tried to keep a relationship and you either didn't reply or did but kept it very brief and showed no interest and then suddenly you contacted me with a caring message I would be extremely confused and I think it's unfair.

One thing I will say to you is life is bloody short and can change in an instant (I'm going through such events right now). If you care about your sister enough to want her in your life then tell her that but if you want to be NC then be NC. You can't be in the middle and expect her to lap it up when you are ready to give it to her.
I am currently no contact with my sibling and I've had to come to terms with the fact that if something bad happened to her I would feel sad but I have no right to suddenly contact her and 'care' unless I wanted to rebuild a relationship and forgive which I don't.

Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:34

TemuSpecialBuy · 04/08/2024 21:25

You are essentially breadcrumbing them...

She was actually ill in hospital and you couldn't show any concern beyond "thanks for letting me know"

So... A cold response to something bad actually happening.

You then send a caring / sympathetic message about something that hasnt happened but theoretically could...

Someone in your family is a headwrecker for sure... but I'm not sure its who you think it is.

thank you.. bear in mind there IS a reason for my NC/LC in the first place..

if i were to say that my sister text me to tell me that my other sister, the one who sexually abused me as a child was ill in hospital? would my response still be cold?

am i the headwrecker? i didn't intend to reveal any reasons, but it appears i must otherwise you are pretty much all correct and it does look like IABU which i take onboard.

OP posts:
Mumoftwo1316 · 04/08/2024 21:35

What response were you hoping to get, we're you hoping she'd thank you for letting her know about the riots?

I think that's probably why they're annoyed. Because you seemed to be fishing for thanks.

You said you'd be there if they needed you, but maybe they felt they did need you when your sister was in hospital. But you didn't step up.

Whereas they don't need you when a demonstration is happening nearby.

Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:37

Mumoftwo1316 · 04/08/2024 21:35

What response were you hoping to get, we're you hoping she'd thank you for letting her know about the riots?

I think that's probably why they're annoyed. Because you seemed to be fishing for thanks.

You said you'd be there if they needed you, but maybe they felt they did need you when your sister was in hospital. But you didn't step up.

Whereas they don't need you when a demonstration is happening nearby.

to be honest i didn't expect a reply at all. i just felt given the proximity it was the right thing to do. valid point

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 04/08/2024 21:37

I agree, it's you that's the issue. You are snipy when there's a real issue, but randomly send a message which wasn't needed. You do have decision making to do, LC which means that you respond and send a Birthday card etc or NC, which is nothing but possibly when one of you are dying.

MasterOfOne · 04/08/2024 21:39

itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:05

no more to the story... no drip feed.

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Well that's one hell of a drip feed.

Procrastinates · 04/08/2024 21:40

MasterOfOne · 04/08/2024 21:39

Well that's one hell of a drip feed.

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Indeed! How can you possibly say there's no more to the story then just casually slip that information in.

Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:41

MasterOfOne · 04/08/2024 21:39

Well that's one hell of a drip feed.

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for obvious reasons, its not something i am very proud of! and didn't want to reveal it but it was clear it was needed.

OP posts:
socks1107 · 04/08/2024 21:43

You need to be no contact or not. My sd is no contact with us if she suddenly sent a text but wanted to remain nc I'd be pissed off. Your either nc or not

Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:43

Procrastinates · 04/08/2024 21:40

Indeed! How can you possibly say there's no more to the story then just casually slip that information in.

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would you be happier if i gave you a list of everything my siblings have done over the years.. i wanted a relatively 'fair' view, from people who don't know the history.

OP posts:
Procrastinates · 04/08/2024 21:47

itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:43

would you be happier if i gave you a list of everything my siblings have done over the years.. i wanted a relatively 'fair' view, from people who don't know the history.

Show quote history

Of course we don't need a list but it's disingenuous to say there's no more to the story then mention something that's quite clearly relevant to the story.

Look you obviously have good reasons to be no contact with at least one of those siblings and presumably you don't want to be in the life of the other if they still have contact with the sibling you don't want contact with.

You need to draw a firm line and say no contact means just that and accept that means no texts and you're not in their life at all.

Anything else is just blurring the lines.

MasterOfOne · 04/08/2024 21:49

Procrastinates · 04/08/2024 21:47

Of course we don't need a list but it's disingenuous to say there's no more to the story then mention something that's quite clearly relevant to the story.

Look you obviously have good reasons to be no contact with at least one of those siblings and presumably you don't want to be in the life of the other if they still have contact with the sibling you don't want contact with.

You need to draw a firm line and say no contact means just that and accept that means no texts and you're not in their life at all.

Anything else is just blurring the lines.

Show quote history

This.

I am no contact with a couple of my siblings... it has taken YEARS of not decades to completely detach from the drama in their lives.
It doesn't mean I don't care about them, but that is the reality and nature of our relationship that we have all accepted.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:50

Procrastinates · 04/08/2024 21:47

Of course we don't need a list but it's disingenuous to say there's no more to the story then mention something that's quite clearly relevant to the story.

Look you obviously have good reasons to be no contact with at least one of those siblings and presumably you don't want to be in the life of the other if they still have contact with the sibling you don't want contact with.

You need to draw a firm line and say no contact means just that and accept that means no texts and you're not in their life at all.

Anything else is just blurring the lines.

Show quote history

i think its pretty obvious that being NC or LC with a sibling implies theres a reason, i just didn't want to have to explain what.

as many have already said, i need to draw a line. my mistake has been replying occasionally when i thought i should, all be it short and cold replies, they were still replies.

OP posts:
DreamW3aver · 04/08/2024 21:50

itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:43

would you be happier if i gave you a list of everything my siblings have done over the years.. i wanted a relatively 'fair' view, from people who don't know the history.

Show quote history

And you got a fair view, it was that you don't sem to understand no contact and were giving mixed signals

Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:52

DreamW3aver · 04/08/2024 21:50

And you got a fair view, it was that you don't sem to understand no contact and were giving mixed signals

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didn't! i didn't understand NC and was giving mixed signals, you are correct! and now i know.

thank you

OP posts:
redskydarknight · 04/08/2024 21:57

I think you need to think through what you are intending to do.

The reason for going no contact is to protect your own mental health.
It does not mean you send occasional messages, and it does not mean that you would help out if needed.

What you are actually doing (from your sister's perspective) is ignoring her most of the time and pretending to care when it suits you. Which is the sort of behaviour that actually people go no contact to avoid.

EmbarrassingMother · 04/08/2024 21:59

You seem like you want to have the upper hand of when you want to reply or text. Like a power thing. What makes you so special?

I have a NC sibling like you, and I’ve taken her upper hand away, and have completely blocked her everywhere after she ignored our other siblings partner dying and sibling’s subsequent heart attack. That’s what your siblings should do to you too. You don’t get to pick and choose. Leave them alone.