To leave them at home?

[lanadelcake]

I'm a single mum and I've taken my teenage daughters on holiday twice this summer. A week at a hotel in Italy and a couple of days in a beautiful lodge by the beach, here in Scotland.
I'll be honest, some of it has been hard going. Squabbles between them, moaning, sleeping half the day. It's not like they had no input in the holidays, as I accommodated their ideas!
Although parts of it were really good, I did find myself questioning the whole holidays thing - with them - and wondering why I bother. They are currently 18 and 15.
Next summer, it's my dad's 70th birthday. He is very much adored by his kids and grandchildren. The plan is to take him to his favourite place abroad for a family holiday, which we've never done before.
My situation is that ex husband and I take it in turns to holiday with the girls. So it was my turn this summer, and next year he'll take them away. So a part of my reluctance to take the girls on dad's family celebration is financial. Doing it two years in a row is a lot.
And there's also the fact that I'm going to feel much more relaxed without them. There would be X to moan about, or X cousin to find annoying. I'd have the pressure of having to wake them up because everyone is going out for lunch. And because I'm the only single parent in the whole family, I wouldn't have the backing of a partner.
My siblings are going to make it their annual 2 week holiday with their husbands and children. Their own teenage kids have more of a 'get on with it' mentality than mine.
Would I be unreasonable to join my family for 5 nights, and leave my girls at home? They would be the only grandchildren not there
I honestly just don't think I could face it.

At 19 and 16 it wouldn’t be wrong for them not to go if they didn’t want to. However I think it would be wrong to deliberately exclude them from a family celebration

I think they will say they want to go. In fact, I'm sure they will. But how this will tally up with their attitude while there, I do not know.
Given how tense I sometimes felt on holiday this summer, I'm not too hopeful

As it’s a big family holiday I agree that I’d give them the option rather than just leaving them out. But you can approach it differently to this year with your cajoling then to get up and out. They’ll be 16 and 19 and can be treated as adults. They’re told what time they need to be up for if they want to join everyone on an outing, and what time meals will be served; if they don’t make themselves available then they miss out. I suspect that realising their grandparents’ disappointment because they haven’t bothered to join in, or the peer pressure of their cousins who are joining in with everything will result in more effort being put in on their part than when they’ve only you.

I think it would be unreasonable to leave them out if they want to go. It's their grandads birthday trip.

It would be a shame for them to miss out, don’t you think? Just set some ground rules and as a pp says, give them the responsibility of getting themselves up for family lunches etc.

Thanks everyone. Gah, you're probably right ...

It's tricky we did family holidays until kids were 17 and 19. Then lockdown happened. After that we stopped doing family holidays

I think as it’s a family holiday, it would be unreasonable to leave them out as the only grandchildren not going but following that trip, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think about whether you take them on family holidays anymore.

But I agree as it's a family thing they should be invited.

Ask them, but highlight ground rules and that you aren't above sending them home or leaving them out of activities of they don't get their acts together. As the holiday is about your dad not them.

Sounds harsh but they aren't little kids!

Och, they're typical teens in many ways, in that they're either at each others' throats or falling over laughing with each other.
I can't lie to you all though, I really didn't always enjoy their company this summer. And it saddens me to say that.

No, you're absolutely right.

My kids would be pretty hurt being excluded.

I would make sure the holiday was booked when they were with their dads and go alone. Holidays are a privilege and their behaviour shows they don't deserve it. Go snd have a lovely time by yourself.

Thanks but I won't be able to control that.

I think you should invite them but it should be part of a sit down discussion about the expectations on them. E.g. They will be expected to be up to go out, that there is to be no moaning and squabbling etc etc.

I think that if they want to go it would be harsh to leave them at home HOWEVER at their ages they should not being getting you stressed with their behaviours so this needs a serious conversation before you go 🙂

Yeah, same I think. It's really only my dad they're close to though. So they definitely wouldn't be gutted on missing out on time with cousins, etc.

I love my children dearly and they have MANY good points. However taking responsibility isn't one of them. We would have the chat, they would half-heartedly agree and then wouldn't be able to help themselves while in the moment.

They might be completely different by next year, especially the 19 year old. If one of them is behaving better that’s likely to have a knock on effect on the other one and also if there are other teenagers that will change the dynamic. Do they get along?

I think it’s one of those situations where neither option is ideal but the fallout from not taking them is potentially worse than taking them.

Edit: I don’t know why I thought one of them was 19 already! But I think the point still stands, they can mature a lot in a year.

She has only just turned 18, but I do agree!