To leave them at home?

[lanadelcake]

I'm a single mum and I've taken my teenage daughters on holiday twice this summer. A week at a hotel in Italy and a couple of days in a beautiful lodge by the beach, here in Scotland.
I'll be honest, some of it has been hard going. Squabbles between them, moaning, sleeping half the day. It's not like they had no input in the holidays, as I accommodated their ideas!
Although parts of it were really good, I did find myself questioning the whole holidays thing - with them - and wondering why I bother. They are currently 18 and 15.
Next summer, it's my dad's 70th birthday. He is very much adored by his kids and grandchildren. The plan is to take him to his favourite place abroad for a family holiday, which we've never done before.
My situation is that ex husband and I take it in turns to holiday with the girls. So it was my turn this summer, and next year he'll take them away. So a part of my reluctance to take the girls on dad's family celebration is financial. Doing it two years in a row is a lot.
And there's also the fact that I'm going to feel much more relaxed without them. There would be X to moan about, or X cousin to find annoying. I'd have the pressure of having to wake them up because everyone is going out for lunch. And because I'm the only single parent in the whole family, I wouldn't have the backing of a partner.
My siblings are going to make it their annual 2 week holiday with their husbands and children. Their own teenage kids have more of a 'get on with it' mentality than mine.
Would I be unreasonable to join my family for 5 nights, and leave my girls at home? They would be the only grandchildren not there
I honestly just don't think I could face it.

It's funny you should say that because the 18 year old was brilliant in Italy, and 15 year old was a challenge. And then they swapped roles for the lodge
They were EXTREMELY close when they were wee, but squabble a fair bit these days. It doesn't help that they still share a bedroom. But my eldest moving out next month will solve that.
They mean the world to me, but they're just not easy. The younger years were a doddle compared to the teenage ones.
It's not that their behaviour is really wild, or anything like that. I just find them emotionally exhausting and I'm fucking tired.

@headpillowhit

Sixth form after summer. She's a year behind but that's a different story (and completely not her fault).

I have 2 the same ages and we have brilliant holidays....they need rules and expectations setting. They don't get to just laze about all day and be grumpy fuckers arguing with one another.

Have you spoken to them about how they carried on? Did you set any rules whilst away?

I think if they want to go then they should go but given their ages I think they should have to save up their own spending money, the eldest should also have to contribute to her flight. And I would be telling them that when you’re there you are not looking after them. They are old enough to take responsibility for themselves. That means getting ready on time for meeting the rest of the family. Handling any disputes between them and/or the cousins, behaving like adults or being asked to go back to their room. Just don’t take any nonsense. They’re not children now. They’re young adults. If they moan and whine just tell them to moan to someone else because you’re not interested.

I think they're old enough to have a chat with. Since it is for grandpa I'd ask them if they want to go and then have a talk about what is expected of them.

People are saying their kids would be hurt at being excluded. Yours aren’t tiny kids - one is an adult - and when they weren’t excluded they came along and then proceeded to behave so poorly that you ended up stressed and not enjoying your own break. So why would you want to take them again and risk them ruining another holiday? They were pretty selfish and that, unfortunately, has the consequence that you don’t particularly want to repeat that in a hurry.

I’d be upfront with them: tell them you’d like to go away alone this time as it was clear on the last holiday they are a bit too old to come on family holidays when they don’t want to be there. Their lack of enjoyment was clear.

If this then turns into a sulk, then I’d take the tougher approach: well, their behaviour on the last holiday was unacceptable and they are both old enough to know better. Remind them of specific incidents of their behaviour. They spoiled your holiday and you are unprepared to tolerate that sort of behaviour again. Ask what will change to suddenly turn them into pleasant company!

If they seem contrite and you think they’ll mature by the time the next holiday happens, then perhaps they could come. But they can’t be spoiling a special occasion.

There's no law saying that they can't have 2 summer hols.

If you get on with your ex, you may not, it might be worth talking to him. Or you could ask for next year and he gets the next 2 years.

As for their behaviour, give them come old fashioned caustic. They're both on the verge of adulthood and need to know where the boundaries are. (I'm sure they already know, but a little reminder won't go amiss.)

I wouldn't exclude them if they want to go but I wouldn't be sitting them down to have a nice chat. I would be reading them the riot act before you even book. That if they want to go, they are very welcome, but if they bicker, don't join or have "the face!" on, then there will be serious consequences on their return. They are more than old enough to understand it's a family holiday to celebrate grandpa and they have to go with the flow, put on their game face even if they don't want to and behave appropriately for the time you are there. Tell them they have 24 hours to think about whether they still want to go given the terms and then book accordingly.

She's not I said that my eldest daughter was.

You probably need a different approach with both of them. On your current holiday I would try to remember that the 15yo will still be in the midst of hormonal upheaval but will need consequences for poor behaviour and rudeness. I would insist she gets up and comes out with me. The 18 yo, leave her behind, tell her she's an adult and she's not going to ruin your holiday and that if she wants you to pay for her holidays she needs to participate. Then tell her if she wants to come on the family trip next year she can either buck her ideas up no or you won't be paying for her.

Wow the 19 year old is lucky that you pay! Does she have a job to fund this herself?

@headpillowhit

What is your problem and what's with the constant questions?
My eldest daughter is 23 years old and moving out next month. I have 3 daughters and 18 year old is the middle one.
I'm sorry if I didn't make this clear, but I didn't know that a rundown of my family situation was necessary to the post.

I think it would be nice for them to go with you! You'd still get your alone time especially with the other grandkids going

I think you and your daughters need to work on cooperation and relationship, because if you really think not bringing them to a whole family gathering/holiday is actually an option there is a lot going wrong with your relationships and their behaviour.

im sorry that you feel like this,

I think, bearing in mind that the rest of the family would be there including other grandchildren, it would be very unreasonable to leave them out, personally.