How does your partner react when things go wrong?

[MrsSherman]

My DH struggles to cope when things don’t go to plan or something unexpected/annoying happens and I’m bearing the brunt of it. It’s exhausting.

we have 2 DS (3&5) who are very lively children. If something happens like a child has drawn on the wall or jumped on the bed and broken it - it’s my fault. I get “why would you let them do that”.

they know they aren’t allowed to do these things… they’ve done it when the opportunity arises I have t said “yes darling draw all over the wall”.

I have tried to explain that I still find it an inconvenience and annoying. I’d also rather it hadn’t happened and I didn’t have something else to sort out, but that’s family life imo.

he doesn’t see it that way - I haven’t supervised them properly or I’ve let them run riot etc…

I genuinely do t know what more I can do.

I don’t want to go full helicopter- I’d never get anything done and they need to learn independence. And they already get A LOT of attention from us. They behave beautifully in public and are generally good at listening to us. I don’t just abandon them and I explain “I’m going to trust you to play in the living room nicely while I cook tea” etc. but kids are kids and explore and do stupid stuff on occasion.

Eg DS5 broke his arm falling from the mo key bars and DHs first reaction when I called him and said we were going to A&E was “for fuck sake” over “is he ok”

Is he like this generally, or do you mean just in relation to the children's behaviour? If the latter, I'd remind him that they have two parents and ask him what has he done to manage/ deal with it. Why is it your responsibility when something goes wrong?

Book to visit distant family/friends for a week and let him have a go at parenting. My best friend did it when her kid was 2. Her husband had zero parenting skills as she was SAHP. She travelled to see me for 10 days and left him to look after her son. It was a steep learning curve but both survived and, for the last 15 years, he’s been a very attentive and competent father and never said another thing about parenting to my friend again.

It sounds like my DH. When the kids do something I get the blame and am made to feel like a misbehaving child. Watching this thread with interest.

In general! He just panics I think when something happens and it comes out as anger

we had a burst pipe which was obviously ones fault but he was moody with me about it

my attitude is “ok we will do this and sort it” he gets pissed off it’s happened in the first place

but the kids behaviour is a big one

He sounds like my EX and it’s exhausting. I found my reaction started to change to having to brace myself for his, rather than deal with whatever normal life issue arose. I’d go out of my way to try and offset his moods and behaviour. How does he respond when you are ill? Does he have other narcissistic tendencies? Eg only Boeing life through his own lens..

*viewing.

Perhaps this is a learnt thing from childhood? I had a parent like the above, if something went wrong they’d completely lose it, the monkey bar scenario is exactly what they’d say too. I can totally understand how you feel though, it’s dreadful and makes you feel on edge all the bloody time. How are they the rest of the time with the children OP?

even if it’s a learnt thing, doesn’t mean it is right at all. I can completely understand why it drives you mad

Yup, can go either way but definitely leans more towards it’s more likely that I’ll have to calm him down too. Hit and miss though, he can be calm and helpful etc etc sometimes too but it is a pity sometimes that I have to watch for his reaction as much as the kids but then there is times he has to watch for me. Definitely not as much though

THIS

I have started to find I’m anticipating what is going to make him stroppy and try to prevent it. I have tried to tell him that’s it’s not my job to regulate HIS reactions to things and he agreed but didn’t learn. I am definitely changing my behaviour for him. And although o know I’m not a perfect parent I really don’t feel that I get credit where it’s due, and don’t deserve to be moaned at for something the kids have done

I read somewhere that how parents respond to mistakes or when things go wrong influences in some parts the likelihood their children will develop anxiety as adults. Basically the more extreme the reaction of the parent, the less easily the kids will be able to handle stress in adulthood I’ll try find that article.

But to your main question: when things go wrong (whether my “fault” or not) my husband is generally relaxed, concerned that I’m/the kids are ok, and more focused on helping find a solution. There is never any blame because we both understand neither is trying to mess up on purpose. I’ve never felt worried telling him when I’ve messed up, even big messes. Your husbands reactions to the normal ups and downs of rearing small children sounds disproportionate and unreasonable. I’d be very upset that his first reaction to A&E was not concern for our child, but instead frustration at the inconvenience (who WANTS their kid in hospital??).

Not sure how to fix this but it sounds like he needs some professional help recognizing how unreasonable his behavior is, it’s potential impact on the kids and you, and help coping better with normal life. How will he react when God forbid something more stressful than drawing on the walls happens?

My dh is like this - catastrophises everything. He ends up worrying me by exaggerating something that has gone wrong. I'm a problem solver, and optimistic, by nature, so I'll always immediately start rectifying the situation while he's wringing his hands and mopping his forehead. He always looks to blame someone, too - it must be someone's fault, it can't have just happened/ been an accident. His reaction is very much a learned one from his mum. She's negative, critical and bloody difficult. She was never particularly maternal and he couldn't wait to leave home aged 16. We actually had quite a long conversation about this last night, the impact she's had on his life etc. His real dad walked out on him when he was about 10, too, although he's very close to his step dad who has been a big influence in his life since then.

Anyway, I often have to take him to one side and remind him that criticism and negativity has a dire impact on dc. He tries very hard, and understands exactly where I'm coming from. But it's deeply ingrained.

If you're going to A&E then he's obviously not ok, so that question would be redundant.

If I had the shock of a phonecall telling me someone I loved was on the way to A&E, I don't know that I would have a faultless movie-perfect reaction either. I might have sworn in shock while my mind raced over the information.

OP, this is no way to life and is 100% going to impact how your children view the world. Can you LTB?

This OP.
Can you get a playpen and put the children (or at least the youngest) in it when you need to do something else like cook?

I'm inclined to agree with this.

I explain “I’m going to trust you to play in the living room nicely while I cook tea” etc.

To a 3 year old and a 5 year old? I don't think that approach is suitable for the developmental stage of a 3 year old, in particular.

If he was the one trying to teach a 3 year old independence, "LTB" might be justified.

It’s not that I “accept destruction” as a given - I just don’t see the point in losing my mind over something that’s easily fixable.

The kids of course have consequences but I also don’t see the issue with encouraging them to play with each other in the next room for 10 minutes while I cook dinner when one goes to nursery and the other is going into year 1 in September. They have to have a degree of independence there and should be able to know what the expectations are. Of course things will go wrong (I remember being about 7 and flushing Lego down the loo for some reason?) but that’s how they learn.

so when I say “independence” I’m not exactly asking them to clean their rooms and cook their own dinner 😂

Mine is a bit like this. I don't think he actually blames me but is generally moody/stroppy/annoyed when things go wrong. He knows it's not my fault and wouldn't say it is but will take out his mood on us. Its particularly bad if something is lost/we're late or delayed or stuck in traffic. He does have diagnosed anxiety and medicated.

Now I think about it, if something happens with the kids he does tend to blame me, e.g. I left my 3yo son sitting on the bench in swimming pool changing room wrapped in towel and he fell off and gave his head a nasty whack. Dh would have foreseen that apparently and not left him. Maybe that's true, but I didn't need scolding - my beloved son was injured and I was already planning not to repeat it! It's like he sees everything everyone else does wrong in crystal clarity but would not at all like the same criticism coming his way.

I should point out the kitchen and living room are a joined so I can see about 80% of what they are doing in there anyway - everything if I’m hovering.

I set out stuff for them to do

I know the post makes it sound like the wall drawing and bed breaking etc is an every day occurrence but it’s not, I just don’t think that if you have kids you would expect nothing to be messy annoying or something happen every now and again?

My ex husband was like this. Sort of angry and blame-y.

How is he when you are ill?

Ignore the comments OP. It’s absolutely fine to do what you are doing. I was raised to be independent from a young age and have never gone Picasso on walls. Kids (and adults) break things, it’s not the end of the world and not the reason for punishment as they “can’t be trusted” to play alone.
I vividly remember accidentally breaking some old piece of furniture at my friend’s birthday party and how refreshing it was when her mum just laughed it off and said it was some old junk that should have been thrown out years ago and not to worry about it. It informed my own parenting. When my kid had her friend over, they were swinging off the pull up bar and it came off the door frame. They looked absolutely terrified. I said it was ok, everyone is safe and can they please fetch the dustpan so we can tidy up the mess. My kid knows that if she damaged something accidentally it’s no big deal. She just needs to let us know, throw the thing away, and tidy up. And that is the end of the matter. Now, if she breaks something on purpose… that’s different. But it has never happened yet.

Ok but if you look at it like this -

the 3yo will be 4 in November. If he was just 12ish weeks older he would be going to school in September. He would have to know he can’t have all the attention all the time. He would have to know how to behave independently to a degree. He is already very much a “do it myself” kid by nature.

I don’t ask much, and I don’t lose my shit when things go wrong. Generally it’s fine apart from the odd squabble with his brother and some wall drawing as I’ve mentioned. Maybe an accidentally broken toy. They can always walk into the next room and get me if they need, and I am keeping an ear on them.

I take them out walking and to the park every single day when I’m at home with them. to gymnastics club etc at the weekends so they burn energy off - I’m not dumping them in another room and ignoring them

I don’t think it’s fair for me to have to manage someone else’s reactions to things