Won't marry him because I hate his mother

[Mamasperspective]

Bf and I have been together for about 8 years now. We have 2 children under 3.

He expressed he wants us to get married but his mother is absolutely awful and we don't speak (haven't for about 2 years now)

She was fine until I'd had my firstborn (daughter) then got baby rabies and got super possessive acting like she was the parent. I let a lot of her behaviour slide but when we were about 6 months along with baby number 2 (son) we sat down and had a face to face chat with her around boundaries because I didn't want the same experience again. She had her friend there for moral support.

We were both respectful with her but she pitched a fit and now insists on seeing my bf and kids without me. This causes issues in itself.

There has been a lot happened since that has opened my eyes to how manipulative and nasty this woman really is.

Bf wants us to get married but I know if I do then I am legally tied in and, if his mothers behaviour escalates again to the point where I can't cope with it, it will make it harder for me to walk away. I'm already worried about what she says in front of my children when I'm not there.

On top of that, if we did get married; I expect he would still want to invite her and I would have to tolerate her for the day. I can't stand this woman, it would completely ruin my wedding day to have to be anywhere near her.

We do really love each other and he would love for us to be an 'official' family so I feel bad hurting his feelings saying no. He's an amazing dad and boyfriend and he does a good job of protecting me from his mother.

I think YABU. You'd be marrying him, not his Mum. Just go off and do it with no guests.

You have children with him, you're already more tied in than marriage would tie you in.

What a bizarre reason not to get married.

Just go off and do it in a registry office.

Why have a relationship and kids with him if you can't stand his mum? You should have walked away before it got this far so you're YABU.

Just get down to the registry office with 2 witnesses and have it done. With kids, not being married leaves you in a vulnerable position.

Registry Office or Gretna Green. Having said that marriage isn't needed to be a loving family either.

Based on your description of events, I think YANBU. In truth, like it or not, when you marry someone you really are also marrying their family in many ways.

In fact, I believe you have more than enough cause for hesitation in marrying a man who has allowed his mother to create a situation where she sees him and the children and completely excludes you. I realise he loves his mother and likely feels torn, but in my opinion his first priority should now be his own little family and ostracising an important member of that family isn't OK. Really, there's an argument to say that he should be telling his mother she sees you all as a family or not at all. She will soon accept it if she has any sense.

Right now, he is allowing you to be disrespected and thinking you would be OK with having his mother there at your wedding when she has shown such utter disregard and contempt for you is frankly ridiculous. You are right to want to keep a foot in the door.

She appears to have no gratitude or respect for you birthing and raising her grandchildren and thinks it is alright for them to see you being left out as though you aren't welcome. And their father should be ensuring that isn't the case, if you ask me.

If you really do love this man, there may need to be a compromise and some swallowing of your pride (but not entirely being walked over obviously) to allow safe, limited contact with his mother. However, he should be willing to accept her part in this and hear about the hurt she has caused. He can't just ignore it and have you excluded for the rest of time and expect you to marry him. Why would you when he's making you feel you aren't even the number one woman in his life?

I'm really sorry you are in this situation. It must be difficult and I hope you can resolve it one way or the other. You deserve better.

She's grandmother to your children. You are tied in, unless your bf decides to cut her off.

If your bf earns more then you, marry him.

Can you come to some sort of agreement on the issue? Having kids is really more of a commitment than marriage.

Why didn't you sort your issues before having children with him?

This is all odd

Say you will marry him but his mother is not coming. It works both ways. She doesn't get to refuse you but see the children and then rock up to your wedding. If he insists on his mum being invited and that will show you where you are in the pecking order. It's a tough one.

The fact is your children make you more linked than a marriage. You can divorce and never see or hear from that person again but not so with children. Your children are so young, is there a way around this? How often is he seeing his mum with the children?

Would your boyfriend be able to broker some sort of truce. You have been together for 8 and you say she was fine until the first baby arrived. That is 5 good years. No one is expecting you to be best friends - not now but could there be a polite acknowledgement that enables family events, if only for the sake of the children.

You beat me to it. Registry office job with two witnesses and job done.

I'd put a stop to her seeing my dc without me, frankly. She doesn't have a right to. And if your dp thinks it's okay for a woman who treats you like shit, to dictate terms, then he's an arsehole too!
Whether I married or not would depend on whether it was beneficial financially and whether dp would support not inviting his mother and putting an end to her dictatorial behaviour.

Surely you can discuss with him the idea of not inviting his mom?

I can understand your hesitation. My first MIL was a major source of tension, was a pain in the arse in the run up to the wedding and just generally a blight on my life for 15 years.

But you’re kind of locked in now you’ve had kids - so getting married offers you protection should things go tits up.

By the way, ‘baby rabies’ really made me smile.

Bf wants us to get married but I know if I do then I am legally tied in and, if his mothers behaviour escalates again to the point where I can't cope with it, it will make it harder for me to walk away

Given you have children together, I can’t see how what you have written as your rationale is at all relevant?

I can. OP feels that it is the only bit of power she has left.

As someone who has been through a divorce, it absolutely is much much harder to walk away if you're married. The paperwork, the cost, and the length of time is ridiculous and I found it emotionally draining.

YANBU to have doubts. Once you're married, there is a risk he will throw it in your face and tell you you chose to marry into it so now you have to put up with it. I get it.

I was not letting her keep me from having the best life with best man my life is about making me happy. We eloped my Dress cost $50 3 years later I can't even explain how beautiful life is right now. It's your guys relationship not his mother's. She is just a by stander

Don't do it.

If she is truly that controlling & toxic then just the thought that you could walk away and get a court order against her more extreme action, may be tempering her behaviour slightly.

It's a very difficult situation, but marrying will only make your relationship closer and that is something you clearly do not want.

If you are financially secure, there is no reason to marry, so don't be bullied. It is something you have to want.

If you don't get married you are not your DHs next of kin which is one reason I'd want to get married in your shoes.

Who is the higher earner of you two. And who has the highest earning potential? If it's you then don't get married but do put all the legal steps necessary in place so that you are not at a disadvantage.

You can always do a quick registry office job if not having her at your wedding is what's really stopping you.

I’m divorced very much due to a similar situation. She was lovely before we got engaged but became very possessive and controlling (of me, she started behaving as I was, someway someone she dictate and rule over) ) as soon as we became engaged. Very much like in your situation, she got batshit crazy protective about DS even when I was still pregnant.

I would say, however, that you are right, being married makes it far more difficult to walk away BUT only because you get a legal claim to the assets in a way that you don’t when you are not married.

You are right, however, that marriage can make the situation with her even more difficult but again, it is all about boundaries, your partner/husband either has your back or he hasn’t. Mine hadn’t and, interestingly, since we split and I set my own boundaries (without ex pussyfooting around her) I have a much better relationship with MIL.

Because OP says there weren't any issues before the babies arrived,

Agree dont do it and Be careful here i dont know your partner but have similar situation 10 years in and in the past partner backed me with issues to the point i cut off his family due to how vile they were towarss me but changed over the years and causes massive issues. I have a baby with him and it all changes then but remember ur mom what u say goes. No toxic people around your children and if they cant respect ur boundaries they dont respect u. Toxic and controlling so unless he is willing to cut them off for you id be the same as u and be very cautious. they are in the picture forever.if children are involved its harder to manage i know from exp!

I think you are wise to be cautious. Some in-laws put so much stress on marriages that they can and do break people up. Our in-laws caused a lot of tension in our marriage. Your DP might do a good job of protecting you from his mother now, but that might change after marriage. People tend to relax a bit once you're locked in.

I'm tempted to say that it doesn't matter whether you're married or not, and that you can easily do it after the old bat passes away.

However, a) that might take decades and b) your DP might resent that you only married him when she was gone - i.e. that you didn't love or trust him enough to do it when she was alive. I know it's not that, but he might see it that way.

Maybe your discomfort is also about marriage and commitment, not just about his mum? Anyway, you clearly don't want to get married right now. So maybe revisit the issue in a few years? You can't get married when you have doubts and don't want to.

Having been in a marriage where l didnt particularly get on with his family, l would never advise someone to do this. You have no idea the friction it can cause in future.

The other issue is you need to consider if you husband will also behave this way. Because even if he disagrees with her behaviour, he was raised by this woman and to him her behaviour is normal.

To add the fact he is still seeing her despite her being unreasonable is a case in point. He's telling her he is on her side - or that is how she sees it.

So no, you are not being unreasonable and anyone that tells you otherwise doesn't understand the shit a difficult extended fam can cause.

It is possible to come to an agreement about how to handle his mother going forward. Does he see how wrong his mother's treatment of you is? If he allows her to see him and the children and exclude you, I'd question that. Where is his first loyalty?

Me and DH have an agreement that MIL will not be told about any major family events (births, deaths, marriages, for example) at least until the major upheavals have passed. The reason is so she can't make these things difficult (or more difficult).