Won't marry him because I hate his mother

[Mamasperspective]

Bf and I have been together for about 8 years now. We have 2 children under 3.

He expressed he wants us to get married but his mother is absolutely awful and we don't speak (haven't for about 2 years now)

She was fine until I'd had my firstborn (daughter) then got baby rabies and got super possessive acting like she was the parent. I let a lot of her behaviour slide but when we were about 6 months along with baby number 2 (son) we sat down and had a face to face chat with her around boundaries because I didn't want the same experience again. She had her friend there for moral support.

We were both respectful with her but she pitched a fit and now insists on seeing my bf and kids without me. This causes issues in itself.

There has been a lot happened since that has opened my eyes to how manipulative and nasty this woman really is.

Bf wants us to get married but I know if I do then I am legally tied in and, if his mothers behaviour escalates again to the point where I can't cope with it, it will make it harder for me to walk away. I'm already worried about what she says in front of my children when I'm not there.

On top of that, if we did get married; I expect he would still want to invite her and I would have to tolerate her for the day. I can't stand this woman, it would completely ruin my wedding day to have to be anywhere near her.

We do really love each other and he would love for us to be an 'official' family so I feel bad hurting his feelings saying no. He's an amazing dad and boyfriend and he does a good job of protecting me from his mother.

Having had a very difficult relationship with my ex mil from day one, I would say yanbu.

it caused untold stress and arguments in my almost 20 year marriage and the only peace I felt was when I went nc a year before we split. It was bliss. She was vile and it never got better even though I desperately tried to build a relationship with her.

This

I disagree why do u need to be married to a toxic situation? Marriage does nothing nowadays it doesnt leave u vulnerable when ur mental health is concerned…if shes having doubts theres a reason why…trust your gut us women are born with it and go with it no one on here knows the full story and we can all give advice and she can listen but at the end of the day to have kids is a big commitment but to not marry is a bigger one ur taking on a new identity their family name. I definitely did not want that because of her ways and behaviour you stand your ground and keep your identity and opinions your kids will always stick with you. My dad cut off his mom for my mom she was toxic as hell but us kids dont blame my mom or dad we love them they will alwsys love u and stick by u dont ever worry about that side of it! ur their number one. And things arent as clear cut as getting married to ur partner. U clearly have doubts already. Trust it they change its their mother even years later my dad now due to his moms old age goes and sees her and u can never stop that no matter what they promise

This. I totally get it too. I am divorced. Divorce is savage.

My ex-MIL caused tension and was very disrespectful to me at times. She wasn't even the worst, but all the same, it was not fun, and a source of upset for quite some time.

I would never again marry someone whose family I didn't like. Another poster here said that you do marry the family, and I completely agree.

If you use your eyes and read the first few paragraphs again, she says all was well until she had children...

I am surprised that you are still with a bloke who lets his mother speak to and treat you the way she has.
I would also be extremely worried about the poison she will be dropping into your children's ears each time they are with her.
Why are you accepting this from your bf and his mother? How are you going to explain this set of affairs to your kids

What's the issue with him seeing his mother with the children?

The children are probably more why he visits, your being married won't change that.

It seems more to me that you're trying to use the not getting married as a tool to control your DP.

It's not working, he is still seeing his family and so are the children.

So you think it's easier to walk away from the father of your kids just because you are not married. I don't understand how you think this.

Without kids you can easily walk away from a spouse, get divorced and then never see them again.

Do you think you can just walk away, take his children and never see him again just because you are not married?

Me too. I wouldn't do it.

It is a great deal easier.

I walked away from my ex after two years of the most vindictive and poisonous bullying by his two 20 something daughters, about which he did nothing. He knew what was going on, he chose to stick his head in the sand and pretend it wasn't happening.

So I found myself a job in my favourite town, rented myself a little one bed flat, I packed my & ds stuff into the car and we left. His inaction was his fault. His loss.

Having separate finances and him having no oversight of my expenditure or my phone records was essential. He couldn't stop me. Mortgages and the rest took a year to sort out but I didn't have to spend that year in misery..

@ImikSiMik because she only started acting crazy when 1st LO was here. We addressed it with her when I was pregnant again expecting her to take our comments on board but she lost it

In your shoes I wouldn't marry him. I'm normally quite pro-marriage but I understand your hesitation. While you aren't married it is easier to walk away if he stops having your back.

YANBU

Sensible decision.

Because she didn't have a crystal ball? It literally says in her post that there were no issues before babies, what would you have her do, put the baby back in?

Keep listening to your gut OP.
Do NOT marry him.
His mother, his problem.

Kindly meant but you need to look at your boundaries.

There would be NO ONE insisting on seeing my children without me.

That he acceeds to that demand is deeply unhealthy and that you have concerns about what she may be saying is toxic.

State clearly to him there will be no marriage.
He hasn't got your back and you need to actively have a fund that gives to an exit should you need it.

Good partners and good father do not tolerate toxic behaviour from grandparents.

Your gut is trying to protect you.
Keep your career.
Keep your finances separate.
Keep family and friends close.

Re-look at your accepting her demands to see YOUR children without you.

Screw that.

Thanks all, I had a long chat with him, not so much about the marriage but, after your comments, I thought it was best to voice how I was feeling. He's agreed that she's toxic and has said that although he doesn't want to cut his parents off because they're his parents, he's happy to stop the kids from going because it only benefits his mother and not them. I'm yet to bring up the marriage discussion yet but I will again and see what comes of it.

Best of luck 🌺