Urgent Advice Needed- Regarding Sudden Death.

[TheGoldenSnitch01]

Hi,

I'm posting here for traffic as I know this isn't really an AIBU but I need some advice urgently.

I have a previous thread on here about issues between my grandparents and my uncle, which will give slightly more context to the background should anyone need it.

Unfortunately my DGP have been notified this morning that my uncle has passed away during the night. As you can imagine my DGM is distraught, however my DGD remains unaffected and has took it upon himself to go about business as usual and headed out for a couple of pints. I'm aware this could be his initial reaction to the shock but my GM is understandably angry with this and between crying is already threatening to throw DGD out of the house upon his return and is blaming him for how much he hated his own son,etc . (Again I know this could be a response to the grief/shock).

I'm here primarily to seek advice on what I can/need to do. I'm my DGP main reliable support and vice versa. So with my DGD out and getting on with his day, I've been left heavily pregnant trying to calm my GM and make sure WW3 doesn't kick off upon his return. I've never been in a position where a close death has arisen, especially one which is going to rely on me heavily to support both emotionally and practically in the aftermath and I just don't know what I can do or what the process is to follow.

Can anyone offer advice please? Either on the process or what I can actually do to make sure this reasonability doesn't solely lie in my corner?

Don't get embroiled in it. You've got enough on your plate already that dealing with the inevitable outcome of a violent, abusive drug addict's decisions (and your GM's constant enabling of it) is way out of your obligations and could very easily spark off further social services involvement with you and your baby.

I really dont know how insensitive im being seeking advice on this as the news is very fresh but im due date is in a week. Im trying to remain logical and practical as well as being emotionally supportive to my GM but the pressure on myself right now is alot. I will also need to make practical preparations for myself in this process too as my DGM was going to be my birth partner, but understandably it wouldn't be the right time to put them through that at the moment. So my priority is them, I can low key readdress my own position in the background.

Also just to mention we have just notified my uncle has been moved from the place of death to the hospital now. What is the next steps of the process that needs to be followed? I feel so dumb and helpless right now.

I'm sorry I haven't read your other thread so don't know your circumstances but is there a reason your parent (your grandparents' actual child ) can't step up? This seems like a hell of a lot for you to cope with! But in answer to your question, someone will need to speak to the Bereavement Service at the hospital who can guide you as to the next steps. Take care of yourself x

Outside the emotional stuff, your GD is well placed to be able to deal with the practicalities.

You need to go home and rest as soon as he comes back, whether they're rowing or not.

I understand this completely and am not judging my grandfather's response to this news nor my GM but realistically she has just (2 hours ago) found out her son has died. Regardless of the circumstances of the death, the background and the enabling I can't just turn my back on her and leave her to get on with it, like my GD has done upon hearing the news.

Even if I can just help with the next steps that need to be followed in the process of a death it would give me a better piece of mind. It's unfair to force her through all of this alone simply because she couldn't stop enabling her son. I'm trying to be as logical and supportive as possible.

As it's sudden they will need to have a post mortem and it will go to the coroner, it could be some time before they are ready to release him but you can appoint funeral directors so it's in place when things are ok'd.

Once the coroner issues the certificate your grandparents will need to register the death, then you get the death certificate for the funeral directors and others who need it. I can go into more details about other things to do later, but for now there's nothing more you need to do other than support them both who are in shock and dealing with it in their own ways, always hard in tricky circumstances.

Look after yourself too, if you can appoint the funeral directors this week before you have your baby, it could be a while before the next stage. Does vary a lot but I've been involved in funerals (professionally) that waited 6 weeks + for the coroner - sorry to have to say this but it gives you an idea of what could be.

Take care

I know, but your primary focus needs to be your wellbeing and that of your baby.

https://www.gov.uk/when-someone-dies

Sounds like there will be a post mortem and likely to be coroner referral.

https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/when-a-death-is-reported-to-a-coroner?step-by-step-nav=4f1fe77d-f43b-4581-baf9-e2600e2a2b7a

I understand how hard this is for you. You are also shocked and struggling to process everything- remember that!

Pause. What would happen if you weren’t there or lived further away? There are systems in place to help your GPs. Let them get started.

Support your GM emotionally as far as you can.

Stop trying to rush on to the practical tasks- it’s too soon. You can’t do it in order to clear the deck for your imminent baby. You have to let things evolve.

A funeral Director, the bereavement team at the hospital, the registrar ( wen they open) all are very good at walking people through this.

Just pause. It’s all right. Look after you and your baby first, your grandparents second. 💐

Decide on an undertaker, who will guide your grandparents through the entire process.

When your family is able to register the death the Tell us once service is useful.

https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once

Take a breath. Have a cup of tea. Be.

That's all you need to worry about now. Just be with her.

My mum passed away in Feb, not sudden though so light be different if the coroner is involved.

I couldn't do anything until the hospital did a certificate listing the cause of death. My mum passed on a Friday and this wasn't done till the Monday. The hospital rang me as next of kin and this certificate was sent by them to the registrars. I could then make an appointment to register the death and get a death certificate. I could only contact a funeral director once I had the death certificate.

@TheGoldenSnitch01 I’m sorry you are going through this. Purely in answer to your question about next steps the answer is nothing is going to happen immediately. The hospital bereavement service will be able to guide you.

In a case of sudden death the coroner will be informed and a post mortum examination requested which will take a few days to be performed and a few more days or even weeks until the results are confirmed. So it won’t be possible to arrange a funeral straight away. This gives everyone some breathing space. The professionals will guide you all through the whole process.

If it’s possible for you to visit you DGM and drink tea/ sit quietly then perhaps that’s the best option today? Try not to get involved in their dynamic, it sounds messy.

Lastly, you have to prioritise yourself and your wellbeing. Let DGM decide what she feels she can cope with and go from there on the birth. Everyone will be in shock so for now just let the dust settle a little.

Gosh OP, you sound absolutely lovely, really caring and supportive, but my wish for you right now is that you find a way to minimise the stress on yourself, and take care of yourself. You are about to have a baby - congratulations by the way - and that really has to be at the centre of all your concerns.
I haven't read any other threads by you but it sounds complicated. It's not going to uncomplicate any time soon. Reassure your DGM that you love and care for her and are there for her but that you can only do so much, and remind her how important your health and well-being is right now. And please spend as much time as you can at home, not worrying about them all, resting and recuperating.
Very best of luck. With the birth, especially. 💕

My mother is unreliable and selfish. She will always make sure a situation has her in the forefront of the limelight unfortunately. Im low contact with her for many reasons but took it upon myself to notify her this morning. After She had a little cry she rang my gran and complained that this is just another shambles in her terrible life that she needs to deal with.

Many years ago, when my great GM died there was months of arguments because she was the last immediate family member to be notified due to her being uncontactable. So as you can imagine my mother will not be a great deal of support to anyone at all and will probably make it worse if reliance was laid at her door.

You'll get a phone call or your Gp will from the coroner's office to discuss next steps. Don't think about that atm. You won't be able to do anything yet anyway as there will probably be a postmortem.

You need backup for the rest, there had to be someone who can be there with you in that house for when your grandad comes home.

There is no right or wrong way to react to a sudden death. I had to be stopped going to work when my daughter died. I just wasn't thinking clearly. It's a horrible shock to the system, your brain doesnt know what to do.

You need backup though if it's potentially explosive

The other thing to remember is, your GPs have probably done this before. They had four parents between them, so this isn’t unfamiliar albeit it’s shocking because it’s their child and unexpected.

Pause. Breathe. Drink tea and listen.

When my cousin killed himself I put the phone down and went shopping. Some people have an inability to process what they have just been told. I got half way round the supermarket before it hit me. Give your grandad time to deal with the news

This is helpful thank you. Funeral arrangements and those type of practicalities isn't really what I'm asking for advice on at the moment as it's obviously way to soon for that. As far as im aware they don't yet know the cause of death.

I'm just wondering if there is anything that needs done today. My uncle was in supported accommodation which is where he died. They are the only people we have had any contact with so far, once to notify of the death and another time to notify us that his body has been taken to the hospital for which they provided the details for.

Do we now need to call them at the hospital for more information or something and go from there or wait for the other relevant services to make contact with us?

@TheGoldenSnitch01 oh I'm sorry you have so much on your plate. Do contact the Bereavement Service at the hospital who will advise you about the next steps such as registering the death, when the death certificate will be available etc, and maybe start to research undertakers, who will also be able to guide you. I really hope there is someone who can help you with this as you are so close to having your baby!

I'm sorry for your loss. There's some info here you might find useful:

https://www.dignityfunerals.co.uk/what-to-do-when-someone-dies/when-someone-dies-unexpectedly/

Your grandmother might find Cruse helpful for processing the grief.

You don't need to do anything right now OP. Someone will call at some point

massive massive hugs. Lean on all the professionals you can - bereavement survice, cruse, funeral directors when the time comes, your midwife, etc. There is nothing you can actually do right now, and with your birth imminent I would counsel against trying to do too much anyway. Sit, drink tea, listen, offer hugs.

@TheGoldenSnitch01 I know this sounds horrible but I will say it. Be very careful, given your family background, about appointing an undertaker because the person who appoints them is responsible for paying them unless they agree from the outset that the appointer will not be paying. It occurs to me that you don't need any more hassle in your life.

Big hugs OP.

It’s shit.

My father died very unexpectedly recently. He was absolutely fine, and then he dropped.

The coroner was incredibly kind and helpful. He also died on a Saturday. We were told to call them on the Monday. They guided us through the next steps.

Aside from that I think you could just be with your GM. Try not to think harshly of your GD. Everyone processes differently.

Try and take care of yourself too.

When DH had a massive stroke I saw the ambulance leave then made my lunch (chicken sandwich, crisps, banana and half a pint of milk), ate it, then went to pieces over a neighbour.