Urgent Advice Needed- Regarding Sudden Death.

[TheGoldenSnitch01]

Hi,

I'm posting here for traffic as I know this isn't really an AIBU but I need some advice urgently.

I have a previous thread on here about issues between my grandparents and my uncle, which will give slightly more context to the background should anyone need it.

Unfortunately my DGP have been notified this morning that my uncle has passed away during the night. As you can imagine my DGM is distraught, however my DGD remains unaffected and has took it upon himself to go about business as usual and headed out for a couple of pints. I'm aware this could be his initial reaction to the shock but my GM is understandably angry with this and between crying is already threatening to throw DGD out of the house upon his return and is blaming him for how much he hated his own son,etc . (Again I know this could be a response to the grief/shock).

I'm here primarily to seek advice on what I can/need to do. I'm my DGP main reliable support and vice versa. So with my DGD out and getting on with his day, I've been left heavily pregnant trying to calm my GM and make sure WW3 doesn't kick off upon his return. I've never been in a position where a close death has arisen, especially one which is going to rely on me heavily to support both emotionally and practically in the aftermath and I just don't know what I can do or what the process is to follow.

Can anyone offer advice please? Either on the process or what I can actually do to make sure this reasonability doesn't solely lie in my corner?

If anyone needs you to do anything they will call you and tell you. There's nothing urgent taht you need to guess at doing.

Perhaps another family member (not you in your advanced state of pregnancy) could contact the supported accommodation, give formal notice and arrange for your uncles belongings to be packed up and removed.

So sorry for your loss and for having this to deal with so late in your pregnancy.

You don’t need a birth partner, it may be worth letting the antenatal unit at the hospital you’re due to give birth know when you go in that you don’t have a birth partner due to a family bereavement and I’m sure they will be supportive.

Make sure your bag is packed now though so you can grab and go when you need to.

Thank you for the advice everyone.

I've managed to speak to the on call coroner at the hospital who has gave me a walkthrough of the process. Unfortunately with it being a weekend nothing can be done until Monday and he says with it being a community death the police will be involved to compile a report. He also said likely due to the background and his age postmortem will be needed. So we have to contact the coroner on Monday and go from there.

Unfortunately the cycle of anger and grief seems to be already hitting my GM. Which is the next issue.

Practically today there isn’t anything you need to do other than inform other relatives.

The hopsital bereavement services will be in touch with his next of kin on Monday - is that your GP ? And they will guide you through the practicalities. You can’t really do too much else until you get a death cert ( they were excellent when I needed support ). As he died at home he will probably need a post mortem and until that is completed you won’t be issued with a death cert - but the bereavement team will guide you.

Might be worth looking on line for their contact details and you can always phone them on Monday for clarification if it helps you start to process / get organised.

His living accommodation are aware of his death and they won’t be doing anything this weekend with his belongings - all of that is for the next week or so.

For you personally just make sure your bag is packed and ready for your impending hospital admission. Have a think if there is anyone else who could be your birthing partner , but next week consider letting the maternity team your plans might change and have a chat about alternatives if GM doesn’t feel she can. Your GM might still feel ok about it once she has had a bit of time to process the immediate shock - grief hits people is so many different ways

Sorry for your loss, what ever the back story and circumstances it’s still the loss of a family member and be prepared for everyone in the family to react differently. No reaction is the wrong one it’s very much an individual thing.

The most important thing though is to take care of yourself and your baby, the others are adults and only they can resolve their feelings about the situation and each other.

It’s the next issue, but it isn’t solely your issue.

I know you feel alone in this, and feel massive responsibility, but really you aren’t. You may feel like the most appropriate person, but you are not.

Your priority is your birthing plan.

Random people can support your GPs.
You need to arrange your own support.

Is there a friend who might keep you company for part of the labour, even if you wouldn’t want them at the birth itself?

Thank you for this,

Thankfully everything for myself is ready waiting to go. My bags are packed and already at my GP just to pick up if the inevitable happens anytime soon.

I literally have no one else appropriate to ask or rely on for a birth companion or in the aftermath unfortunately. Though due to the circumstances in my last thread, paired with my GM health issues it was something I'd already raised with relevant people as a possibility that I might be delivering alone. I have been provided with numbers that I can call if I do want abit of company whilst I'm in the hospital. So there is already measures and awareness in place for me in that situation if needed. So I don't need to worry about that, though it is a slightly daunting thought that I could be alone which is probably normal.

I guess my main concern at the moment is just keeping my family together and being able to support eachother in both situations this week. I'm just trying to find the best way to deal with my GM shitty comments at the moment and make sure it doesn't unnecessarily escalate.

Bless you. I don’t know your wider context, but do have experience with dysfunctional families and indeed childbirth!

Is it your first? I was in two minds about having DH with me, or anyone else, because he’s not great in medical situations and likely to need more support than he’d offer!
On your own at least you don’t have to worry about anyone else.

I’m going to ask a tough one, now. Why are you trying hard to keep your family together? Is it a family worth keeping?
I ask because I worked at this in the past, was the mediator, the peacekeeper, the oil in the family machine.

I have stepped back a bit because actually no one else in the family is worthy of my time and attention. They can make their own choices, and if they choose to behave badly to each other, then that’s on them, they can sort it out!

That may not be true for you- yours could have many good qualities and there could be someone you are trying to protect.

It just isn’t true for mine. I go through the motions with my own relationships but no longer cover for them or protect them from the consequences of their own behaviour.

I understand that you want to support your GM, but you're about to give birth! You really should step away and leave this to others.

I wouldn’t judge your grandfather at this point. I remember my grandmother being completely fine when my grandfather died. She merrily thanked the Dr who delivered the news (in a hospital), was an happy woman ant the funeral annd you wouldn’t have guessed it was her DH that had died, and happily went about her business day after day. Then a few months later she just had a sudden breakdown and exhibited all the behaviour one would have expected from someone who had just been told their DH had died. Peoples minds do things differently.

If it gives you any reassurance, I gave birth 40 years ago without a partner. Midwives were lovely.

Of course you want to support your grandparents. It’s possible to do so whilst putting a circle of protection around yourself, as well. You will need to get some decent sleep tonight (do you live with them). Don’t give more of yourself than you have to spare. Your baby needs you more. Your grandparents are adults.

Sorry for your loss.

@KeirSpoutsTwaddle most of the time that is literally what I feel my role in the family is if I'm honest. The glue that binds it together, especially where my grandparents are concerned. They are my only source of "familial" support and its been clear for many years that I am all they have to consistently rely on so I do shoulder alot of pressure and burden in that sense because I've wrongly been assigned that role. But if I don't do it, no one else will.

Whilst I do think they are old fashioned in their dynamic and probably would be best if they separated I selfishly really don't think it is the right time for this to happen. As I can't deal with any more responsibility at the moment. I just don't have the head space to deal with a war or pulled into multiple directions for support.

Yes this is also my first baby, and baby's dad also isn't involved so outside of the crappy family dynamic I've been dealt and this new stuff arising now, I am completely alone and maybe that does cloud my judgement in a sense of accepting the responsibility.

You won’t be alone for much longer - you’ll have bub to keep you busy! 🥰

When you say if you didn’t do it, no one else will - what would be so bad about that? We fall into these roles, but really you are not responsible for two grown adults. Be kind, of course.

I'm definitely not judging my DGD, It seems I know his reaction to things alot better than my GM appears to of understood. I guessed he was masking it and putting on the bravado mainly for her sake. He processes things differently and is stubborn. He has since come home and admitted to me that he didnt know what else to do and had to take himself away from the situation to process it himself. He drank away his sorrows and didn't know how to support my gran without doing something wrong or making her worse. Obviously my GM has took this as him not caring at all but I knew deep down he needed time.

I was just slightly taken aback that I had been left to deal with the immediate aftermath alone when I didn't have a clue what to do in this situation.

OP for now I think the best thing you can do is take a step back and let your GPs work this out between themselves. They are both reacting to some shocking news and their emotions are fluctuating wildly. You can't try to second guess either of them.

Do it gently, explain that you think they need some time together to process the news, and leave. They may not have the best relationship and they're both clealy difficult characters, but they're adults and they'll find their own way.

Terrible to lose a child. Your poor grandparents x

Good luck with your birth next week OP - I feel for you. At the moment, I would remind yourself that there are no problems which are yours to fix in this situation - find a few things to say and then repeat - I dont know why, people all deal with things differently, you will have to ask him - and stick to them. I hope you can get some rest. It may be good for your GM to be at the birth with you, if she feels up to it.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter :(

good advice ^^

"I'm trying to remain logical and practical as well as being emotionally supportive to my GM but the pressure on myself right now is a lot. "

I'm very sorry for your loss.

But I do think that you are having to soak up all your GM's grief and unfortunately anger and you should leave. Your GD probably needed time on his own to process. Everyone deals with it differently, but at the moment I really think your GM's behaviour is not helping you, one week from birth.

They are processing hearing the news. Let them do that. You have already been there to support but you don't have to stay there now. That is not abandoning them. Your GD has come home. You have done your bit for the day. There will be many days ahead when you can pop in and cheer them up.

When this crisis is over, think about talking to someone about why you feel the need to be a peacekeeper - because it just means that you are soaking up all their disputes, which is not healthy for you. You will be a new mum soon and that has to be your priority.

You keep saying that you feel responsible for them. Which in some ways is commendable. But you need to recognise that the only person you are ultimately responsible for is your unborn baby! and that means seriously taking good care of yourself and not peacekeeping and soaking up other people's anger!!!! Stop piling all the angst and anxiety on yourself. Be kind to yourself. You don't have to jump to attention and volunteer every single time. Accept that having your first baby means that you may not be available to do this and that people will have to wait or manage.

It's quite natural to think of the lists of things one has to do when there is a death but you really don't have to worry about that anymore today. There is no urgency, although I can understand that your GM's reaction is making you feel like there is.

Go home, put your poor feet up and try to relax or distract yourself, before you go into early labour. You have done your bit. There's NOTHING else you can do or should do today.

As duckbill says- “But I do think that you are having to soak up all your GM's grief and unfortunately anger and you should leave. Your GD probably needed time on his own to process”.

Actually it’s ok for grieving people to get a bit wild. You don’t need to contain them.

Our background leaves us needing to smooth and calm and deflect and distract… actually it’s healthy for her to rage and flail if that’s how she feels. Our need to defuse everything is less healthy.

Let them be, give them the space to rage and wail and flail and whatever else they want to do- eve if that’s lashing out at each other. It may release them to speak to each other helpfully.

Think of other cultures where mourners tear clothes, pull their hair and beat their chests. It’s ok.

Thank you, this is really helpful. The plan to step back from my GP before the actual death was in forefront of my mind anyways so I was already making practical steps in preparation for this. Hence there was already some steps in place if I did need to go through the process of birth alone before today.

Though I do admit I was more prepared for these steps to begin once the baby was here as it seems easier to begin the distancing with an excuse but that's probably been abit unreasonable of me.

It may be worth mentioning here a really good book about grief rage. Its called "You'll get over it, the rage of bereavement" by Virginia Ironside. Its quite an old book now but I clung to it like a rock when I needed it. its very insightful about how we deal with bereavement.

"Though I do admit I was more prepared for these steps to begin once the baby was here as it seems easier to begin the distancing with an excuse but that's probably been a bit unreasonable of me."

Nothing you do at this point is unreasonable. It's not a question of distancing or making excuses.

It is purely practical that you are about to give birth at any time and you must take care of yourself as much as possible right now in the runup to the birth for your baby's sake.

There is nothing that you can do for your uncle now. Your GParents live together on their own and your being there will not make much difference to their grief process, except to your pre-birth stress. You are not in a position to act as a human shield.

I really do suggest that you speak to your gp/midwife when its possible and get your blood pressure etc checked. Think about your own practicalities. Online shop with ready meals/baby supplies. Are there any salons that do pregnancy massages? ? Contact any friends that might be around to help you with just a cup of tea visit etc...Get some fresh air and have a little walk somewhere green to help clear and relax your mind. Or would it be easy to go for a swim to take the weight off (not if it isn't easy) Films, books and podcasts. You will get through this.