Would you judge - age?

[mummyat23]

Posting on here in the hope people will be honest.

I don’t know if I’m going to struggle making mum friends as I can see that people are understandably waiting a lot longer these days to have children. My cousin has recently had a baby and said she found herself to be young in groups at 29, so ‘no offence’ but I will probably stick out.

Our baby is due just before I turn 23. I’m newly married to my DH (25), we own our home and both earn decently - by no means mega bucks but we do okay and have respectable careers. Baby planned and we are so excited, but equally understand how life changing it’s going to be!

Do you think my cousin is right?

Your cousin said you would stand out for being younger, nit tha5 anyone would judge. The average age for first pregnancy is 30.9, so yes, you will be younger than most. 5hat doesn’t mean anyone will judge though, surely? The only thing people in these groups have in common usually is the baby, so I don’t think age makes much difference to whether you get in with them.

No not at all

Totally depends on your area I think. I’m in quite a ‘naice’ London suburb and the average age for first baby is about 35. At 23 most people around here are just out of uni, starting their careers so you would be hard pressed to find a 23 year old with a child. However that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be able to make friends with older women!

Not really. It will be obvious that you are younger but that doesn't mean you can't make friends. I have friends in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s! I can socialise with all of these people and enjoy talking with them all. Sometimes the main barrier to friendship is believing people think a certain way about you when it's probably not true.

In a middle class area, yes, you will be significantly younger than most first time parents. In some other areas, you’ll just be slightly on the young side.

I wouldn’t fret over it either way. It’s an observation, not a judgement.

Right about what?

That there'll be women there that are older than you?

I was an older mum (37) and thought I’d be old at the NHS baby group I was assigned to but there was a real mix of ages. The friends I made were similar to my age though.

I wouldn’t judge a younger mum at all but I have found I have different cultural points of reference (bands, films etc) and sometimes this is an issue, sometimes not. I don’t like going clubbing with my younger mum friends though as I just don’t like their music.

My local children's centre had separate baby groups for young mums - anyone under 25 - which I was too old to attend at 31. That being said there was a range of ages at the regular group so I think it really depends.

You're 22 years old, married, earn a decent wage in a respectable career and own your own home.

What is it you're worried about them judging you for?

You will be younger, but so what? You'll gave enough on your plate with a new baby without worrying about things that a) you can't control and b) don't matter.

Definitely depends where you live. At 38 I was the oldest by miles 17 years ago. So, swings and roundabouts, mixed across ages didn’t make too much difference.

It really depends on the type of are you live in and the socio-economic group.

If it’s a predominantly middle-class group most of them are just finishing uni and travelling (certainly the case for my son this age), so yes you’ll be younger than average but you might have to simply cast your net wider.

If you live in a wc area, you’ll find lots of young parents.

Nobody will judge or even notice your age. You'll all be new mums, probably looking tired with a few stains on your clothing. You are going to be bonding over the shared experience of having a child. Some women have a few kids by 30, but it's true that in our culture the trend is going up ages wise.
My mum had me at 41, back then all the other mums were 10 to 20 years younger.
This was 45 years ago, and she's besties with a lady she met at baby group who's 20 years younger to this very day.

Congratulations. Please don't concern yourself with what anyone else thinks about you having a baby at 23. You are an adult so nothing matters. I was 18, married and had my own home. Just enjoy your baby x

I agree, it depends where you are.

I had ds at 45 (I know, v late) but found I wasn't the oldest mum in ds' reception class.

Most people were 35-45. We had one mum who was your age, and three who were late 20s. But housing here is expensive. No-one judged. We were all too busy trying to cope.

Totally depends on where you live. If you live in the same area as your cousin and she experienced this you probably will too. If you live in the town I used to live in where the women I worked with thought if you hadn't had a baby by 25 there must be something wrong with you, then no (but they were strange people so you might not fit in there anyway!).

I had eldest at 17 and youngest at 42 so I've had both ends of the spectrum. I quite often get called granny with the youngest but then I take the grandchildren with me to soft play etc so it doesn't bother me 😂 I didn't go to many clubs with the eldest as I was still at school (!)

Would they necessarily know your age if you don’t announce it? If you’re married I’d assume people will think you’re older anyway- don’t discuss it?

I was 20 when I had our first. All our ante-natal peers were late 20s/early 30s. I was obviously much younger but they welcomed me warmly and I'm still in touch with them 18 years on.

You may be the youngest but you're all in the same boat and can end up being a lifeline to each other in those early months.

Absolutely depends where you live. I
was one of the older mums at my local playgroup - first at 28 and second at 30. There was a woman with her youngest child in her late 30s, who also brought her grandchildren. Where I grew up is very much a mix of ‘having children in early 20s’ and some who are just having their first now (late 30s). The thing about having your first, you’re all in the same boat regardless of age!

Depends where you live. The problem isn’t meeting mum friends, it’s meeting mum friends like you - ie working, middle class, who get your challenges and you can talk freely to. You won’t really find that in the UK unless you’re in a middle class Indian / Muslim area.

I was an older mum (40 when ds was born) and was ‘filtered out’ by mum friends who were only 5-10 years younger than me solely due to my being older. I did make friends but when DS started nursery where I could meet other parents (with older kids) who were more my age

Ok, so I definitely wouldn't judge (for what?) but in a group situation I might subconsciously gravitate towards people closer to my own age - when I had my first child I was 35 so you and I wouldn't even have been in school at the same time (12 yr gap) - that's quite a different life experience IYSWIM in terms of cultural references etc. I think you'd probably do similar- i.e. if there were a bunch of mums in early twenties you'd be more likely to gravitate towards them.

I had DD1 at 23 and have been about 10 years younger than most of the other parents all through nursery and school, right up until uni open days! I think some of the primary school mums looked down on me a bit, and some of them seemed surprised when they found out I had a full time job etc. I did make some proper friends though, if you click with someone age doesn’t matter. Plus sometimes it’s good to be able to talk things through with someone who has a few more years of life experience!

I think the Mums will love having a younger Mum there and enjoy your company x

I had my first baby when i was 25 and i live in cambridge. I was the youngest there. Everyone its around 30’s. If. You live in posh area then most likely you will be the youngest