To think therapist is getting a bit familiar

[SqB]

I’m curious, not really upset as such. I’ve been seeing a therapist for a year now. Normally in person, but a few sessions on Zoom. Have found them very beneficial and he’s a great support.

He comments sometimes when I’m on Zoom about what he can see in the background. ‘Nice art’, ‘looks like a lovely house there’ those kind of things. Is it normal during a professional meeting to mention the background? Such a normal thing to say, but because of boundaries it did catch me by surprise.

The other thing that shocked me, he’s amazing at not giving advice etc, but I was saying how hard it is too lose weight on my meds and that I feel like a I need to lose weight somehow. He said ‘I think you should I lose weight’ I was a bit shocked but maybe I’m being incredibly sensitive.

I’ve never seen a therapist before. I don’t know what the norm is.

AIBU to think boundaries are being crossed?

Thank you 😊

I don’t think saying nice artwork is crossing a boundary. My old therapist would ask to see my dog when we did zoom sessions, or once she asked to see my knitting project as I’d mentioned it. I personally wouldn’t be upset about the weight comment either but accept it may upset many people and could be crossing a boundary. I would tell him it made you feel uncomfortable.

That’s good to hear. Just feels very different online to in person. Maybe just takes more getting used to.

Can you blur your background on Zoom like you can on Teams if you’re uncomfortable with him seeing it?

The weight comment - I’m a bit confused because you said you felt you needed to lose weight but am presuming you then wanted him to say no, no, you’re perfect as you are?

You're overthinking the art comment. He's just making conversation.

He may have been trying to reassure you in the Zoom meeting, making pleasantries about your house. Were you thinking I wonder what he thinks about my place and is it up to his standards. I know I would have been.

If you were saying you needed to lose weight was he just giving a bit of positive reinforcement?

I mean if you're obviously overweight why ask the question when the answer is going to be an honest one

And yes he's obviously making conversation to put you at ease

I've only ever seen a therapist in person (and I appreciated the old fashioned set up with the therapist sitting behind me while I lay on a couch so there was no eye contact, no second guessing in case of a facial reaction etc) so I can only imagine that Zoom things are much more awkward for both parties, facing each other &, as you point out, seeing each other's background. I would find it extremely difficult to have a therapist commenting on my home. You don't want to have to spend even 1 second on what the therapist may think of your art etc. He's talking to you like a friend when you don't want a friend, you want a professional therapist.

As for the comment on your weight, I'm astonished that a therapist has said you "should" anything. Are you sure he didn't say "could" as in "you could do anything you set your mind to"?

If he said "should" and together with the comments on your home, I'd find those things a distraction & unprofessional and I'd be looking for someone else.

I have a framed print of an animal on the wall behind me and often get comments from colleagues and clients. It's never crossed my mind that it could be unprofessional.

If you've been making comments about struggling with weight, body image or anything along those lines, maybe he's just agreeing that losing weight would help put you in a better place?

I don’t think I expected him to say anything at all. Just carrying on listening to me waffling on.

Commenting on your room background is not unprofessional as it’s inconsequential brief chit chat to help develop a rapport.
Commenting on weight is different, but can you be sure they weren’t just echoing your goals? If not, and if it was their ‘opinion’, then yes it’s unprofessional.
People have differing ideas of what they want from a therapist; very few would want the lie on the couch no eye contact as described above.

He definitely said should. Some things I’ve said ‘what do you think?’ But with this I was about to carry on talking and he just said it. Threw me a bit.

I don’t think there have been any boundaries crossed from what you have said.

The therapist should not have said you should lose weight. I am a therapist and would never say anyone should do anything.

It is definitely the ‘should’ that made me feel uncomfortable about it. I’ll mention next week

So if a client keeps debating whether they should leave an abusive partner, stop doing drugs or other stuff that's clearly not good for them you just sit there and let them mull it over again and again?

Hi what was the context in which he said you “should lose weight” (eg. What was said before?) and what model of therapy does he use, eg. Is he a counsellor/psychologist/cbt therapist?

The stuff that comes up between you, however small, is the stuff. Don't do it here because having all of our opinions is not going to contribute to the process of your therapy which you and he need to create. But do notice the stuff.

My sense is that she’s asking if this is normal “stuff” between therapist and ‘client’ to process in therapy or whether he is crossing boundaries in an inappropriate way, which may lead her to find a different therapist!

Exactly right. I definitely didn’t ask him
a question, and I was about to continue talking about my next appt with my endocrinologist when he said the ‘I think you should lose weight’

Not ‘that’s a positive thing’, or ‘do you want to talk more about this?’ Just straight out there ‘I think you should lose weight’

I just want to know really if this is similar to other peoples experiences or do I put it down to him being human and having an off moment.

To me, it sounds like the weight comment has upset you, and now you're picking on other little things that you feel justified (ie he's crossed boundaries before by commenting on my home, so I KNOW he's wrong to comment on my weight).

Sometimes therapists say things we don't want to hear. If you're considering losing weight, then it's not exactly come from nowhere. Boundaries were not crossed, but if you're really unhappy, see someone else.

Yes, explore pros and cons but don’t tell what to do.

I suppose (I think as other people have said) you could ask him about it and tell him how it made you feel if you are able to - his response to that will give you a lot of helpful information about him and boundaries. If he acknowledges a ‘slip up’ and says, “what I meant to say/ ask was…” or “I am concerned about…” then that’s a good sign; if he responds in a defensive or attacking way, I’d be out of there!

I know we are all supposed to be online converts, I'm certainly supposed to be as a CBT therapist but I do think a lot of information is missing when you only see each other's faces and not the many other insights into how someone is feeling, that are available when you are in the same room.

I think saying 'you should lose weight' is too directive and it would be preferable IMHO to be more Socratic, asking questions about what would need to be in place to achieve that goal and finding out about beliefs, attitudes and thinking (and behaviours) that get in the way etc. Therapists should help clients work out what's important to them and help them define goals not tell them what they should be! That said, being didactic does have its place sometimes. And of course, different therapeutic approaches have very different ways of doing things.

As for talking about your art, I think that is OK and doesn't immediately sound an overstep but if you feel uncomfortable that's the decider really and you should be able to say if you are not happy about something. A good therapist wouldn't and shouldn't be affronted by that.

It has been a couple of months now, and I finally told therapist I’m not happy about him telling me to lose weight. I later text that I’d like a break and to see how I feel in a few weeks. This part of his reply was perfectly fine:

’I’d like to think you’d book another session as I’d be keen to discuss what you’ve raised’

This part really hit a nerve with me:

‘I’m shocked because I’m fairly sure I’ve never said that to anyone’

is it time to find a new therapist? Or should I go back and see what he has to say?

That's not therapy.