To think therapist is getting a bit familiar

[SqB]

I’m curious, not really upset as such. I’ve been seeing a therapist for a year now. Normally in person, but a few sessions on Zoom. Have found them very beneficial and he’s a great support.

He comments sometimes when I’m on Zoom about what he can see in the background. ‘Nice art’, ‘looks like a lovely house there’ those kind of things. Is it normal during a professional meeting to mention the background? Such a normal thing to say, but because of boundaries it did catch me by surprise.

The other thing that shocked me, he’s amazing at not giving advice etc, but I was saying how hard it is too lose weight on my meds and that I feel like a I need to lose weight somehow. He said ‘I think you should I lose weight’ I was a bit shocked but maybe I’m being incredibly sensitive.

I’ve never seen a therapist before. I don’t know what the norm is.

AIBU to think boundaries are being crossed?

Thank you 😊

If the trust has broken down then you might need a new therapist.

I am a therapist. If he genuinely, really said
I think you should lose weight
Then that wouldn't be at all appropriate

But I'd be amazed if that's what he said. You don't go through years of training to say something like that. Are you really sure he wasn't reflecting back what you were saying, so - you think you should lose weight?

But whatever, the trust has gone so fine to find a new therapist!

I would also spend some time reflecting on why this has affected you so much.

The artwork comments are fine I think. Having said that, I don't ever comment on clients houses, but tbh if you have an obvious picture in the background then again, I'd ask yourself what it was about him mentioning it that was triggering for you.

Having a final goodbye session is good practice, but it shouldn't be about him trying to convince you that he didn't say what you said he did.

A good therapist would be getting the client to think about patterns of behaviour, and whatever benefit they are getting from the status quo, not telling them what they ‘should’ do.

More or less!

We do agree some goals at the beginning of the session but they often end up changing during the course of therapy.

It's not up to me to come out in session 2 and say you should leave your abusive partner UNLESS the client discloses serious harm in which case I'd address it with her and take it to my supervisor. It's my job to help the client to understand what she wants and to help her unlock enough self awareness that she grows in confidence and leaves him of her own accord. Clients usually have enough people around them telling them to leave abusive partners- my role is to unpick why she isn't.

Absolutely this.

I'm a psychologist by profession, also trained in systemic therapy. I wondered whether it was a reflection via repeating the client's words rather than an opinion too. If it was an opinion, then obviously that's very not ok.

Re: artwork, I personally would not comment, but whether it feels ok for a therapist to comment on that or not might depend on modality/training. Not necessarily a good or bad thing either way. May be done to try to put a client at ease when working online.

I've seen a couple of comments from OP about just wanting to be listened to though - which makes me wonder if perhaps they are not ready, as what OP is describing is emotional support, not therapy, where the therapist is essentially a pot plant who listens and participates very little in the relationship.

It sounds like it was a while back, and that it's clearly a sensitive topic for you, but are you 100% sure you heard correctly and he wasn't simply paraphrasing/reflecting/summarising what you'd said - all active listening techniques

For example...

Person: "I've been feeling self conscious lately. None of my clothes fit, I feel awful, like a blob. I want to be healthy and active again, I've tried diets in the past and struggled but I think I need to do something about it. I just wish I wasn't so fat"

Professional: "you think you should lose weight"

Easily potentially misheard (especially online) as "I think you should..."

I definitely know what I heard. For context, I’m in therapy for DV. Having spent 15 years with a man who insulted my looks, beat me and sexually abused me. I have no way of working out what is gaslighting or what I’d normal.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Perhaps a female therapist would be better for you? I hope you find someone you trust.

What has occurred to me is that you are beginning to relive your abusive relationship through your therapist.

It's worth noticing this as if you can work through it you might find it incredibly helpful.

Thank you @Seagall

i think I’ll stick to having a break then make contact with him to explore that.

therapy has been harder than I imagined

I always thank my clients for working so hard. It is really difficult. I think realising that is a little glimmer that it's working. Good luck OP.