Ex annoyed about CMS - how to respond

[Augustlion]

hi, ex has recently started having DS overnight and DD for 4hrs EOW (Twins, but DD EBF). We separated months ago and only just put a claim in for maintenance. When dropping off the kids they’d have a bag with spare clothes, formula/bottles & nappies. I told ex 3w ago he will need to now provide these as I didn’t want to get into the habit of doing everything, and only fair as he’s not paying maintenance. How do I respond to this reply?

‘Not right having me buy bottles, pram, car seats when they already have, and wanting maintenance on top. You get child benefits as well, so why the pettiness? When you take them to nursery, are they providing the basics? But you make me. I’ll need maintenance money for when they’re here, no one will be helping me to buy these things, I need a bouncer, walker, high chair ect.

to not bring nappies was out of order, I was alone with no pram or car seat and had to squeeze them in small nappies. You are just being spiteful to the kids’.

AIBU expecting ex to have all of this stuff regardless of receiving child benefits & maintenance? I told him weeks in advance what he will need. I don’t want my children to suffer but don’t want to enable ex either.

Stick to your guns. Your maintenance will be reduced by the time he has them and that’s to recognise that he’ll be sorting bottles, nappies etc.

So you kept all the baby stuff and he has nothing to get started with? Yes I think that’s a little unreasonable.
to be clear I’m not talking nappies- I mean the car seats etc

@Flossyts no I didn’t keep anything except from the walker, bought the old car seats and their new ones with the isofix, so I keep those in my car

Besides the point, but my nursery has prams, nappies, wipes, suncream, snacks etc. We literally only need to drop them off with clothes. They even have a box of sunhats.

Anyway. He needs to provide them. End of. Anyone he goes to will tell him that.

When I was in a similar situation I just responded "discuss it with CMS and they will decide on maintenence accordingly"

Then get a parenting app so information about the dc is relayed, but there's no personal conversations.

As if CMS touches the sides of what they will cost to raise anyway.

Start as you mean to go on.

@ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen oh, really? I have to provide pram, nappies, wipes & formula

I think he needs to have nappies clothes milk toys etc but buying duplicate car seats and prams seems ridiculous imo.

DSS's mum was always very particular about 'her' stuff and would be pathetic if he wore a different T shirt home. We always bought nice if not nicer stuff for dss but she was v. petty.

Her pettiness ended up ruining the relationship dss has with her. Not saying you would but just be aware that once the children are teenagers they regard the stuff as theirs rather than parent x's or parent y's

The point is he is 'getting maintenance' by you picking up the tab of looking after the children most the time so he should provide for them whilst in his care

i think he should be providing consumables like nappies, formula and wipes but surely it’s easy enough to hand over pram/car seat on drop off. It seems crazy and wasteful to have one each.

Agree he should have his own nappies, bottles and formula, clothes etc but, even if you don’t technically have to, couldn’t you share car seats and prams if you’re dropping them off anyway as otherwise they’ll just sit in your car for that night anyway?

They're expensive if he only has the kids every other week for one night or even just 4 hours.

I would, however, make it very clear that child maintenance payments are specifically to enable you to buy things for, house, feed and clothe the kids for the time they’re with you when, if it was a 50/50 arrangement, they would be with him. Effectively for the amount more than 50% of the time that you have them. CMS will have a starting point for a child of a certain age and then will take money off based on the number of nights you declare to them he has them. These deductions already account for the expenses he will have in keeping them for those nights. Therefore, he needs to pay for the basic things they need during the time he has them using the money that he has saved by having those days deducted from CMS.

A judge would expect him to provide absolutely everything the dc need in his care... Everything.. Except the breast milk!!

I wouldn't be handing over the pram or carseats at all.

My ex didn't take care of the stuff I put to his house at all, he never paid for them so he didn't care. I ended up having to pay twice for a couple of expensive items as I had no comeback from him, and it effected me moreso than him.

He needs to purchase the basics for his children while they are in his care. CM is to provide for the children while they are on your care. It's not to subsides his contact time. I personally wouldn't let him use car seats or pram. If he has an accident in his car the car seats will need replacing immediately. I don't imagine he'll be forking out for them. He can pick up car seats relatively cheaply and a double buggy. I actually gave away 3 car seats recently for fee and sold my double stroller for £50. It's not your job to wipe his arse.

He should provide everything he needs when he is looking after his children. You have everything in place - why shouldn’t he? He can contact CMS and discuss it. Imagine if he was the primary carer - would you expect him to provide everything for you?

Good lord, has the man no pride? You'd think he'd be embarrassed to ask you to cover milk and nappies when he only has them so rarely.
Show him what adulting by a decent person looks like, and hand him over a normal changing bag, with a spare nappy and one change of clothes for each child, along with a bottle each, to cover emergencies. Tell him if he uses the nappies he needs to top the bag up, if he uses the clothes they need to come back washed. You can helpfully tell him what formula he needs to get in and what size nappies.
I suppose managing twins is going to be harder for the poor man than it is for you as he's had so little practice, hopefully he'll learn quickly how you need to plan in advance.
If he sends them back with the babybag not topped up, then I'd think twice about even providing the emergency changing bag.
As for car seats and a pram, I'd let him use those if you think he can be trusted not to wreck them. But tell him you need a contribution from him towards whatever the next thing you need to buy is - probably coats and wellies for winter. If he won't contribute, then he can't expect you to lend him anything.

If he’s having them so little, it’s wasteful buying bottles and formula etc.

you need to start a CMS claim and if they were my children, I would be providing everything they need whilst they were with him as he has them so little.

as they get older and he has them more then I would expect him to be providing clothes, tooth brushes etc.

If he wants to share equipment you've paid for then he can hand over 50% of the cost now. Then you can both share the cost of the next round.

As for the rest. This is how it works dear. The little maintenance you pay is reduced by the time you have them for. If you don't want the hassle factor and want me to supply all the consumables and clothing that will cost an additional £X per week.

And in the event he is paying no maintenance a simple F off will suffice.

Gee a man having to provide for his children (which he barely parents), my heart bleeds for him. 🙄

He's a father to twins. He needs to step up and provide the right size nappies, suitable clothes for changing, and car seats just as he needs to provide them with somewhere safe to sleep, and appropriate food.

The first time, ok he wasn't prepared, but next weekend he has no excuse. YANBU

thanks everyone! Still reading through the comments

What a catch he is OP, can't imagine why you two aren't together anymore!

Start as you mean to go on. Because I instigated the split with my exh, at first I provided nearly everything, out of guilt. But the more I provided, the more he'd get annoyed if I didn't provide something. He made a fuss about having to buy a new changing mat. 🙄 it's been nearly 4 years now and he's stopped paying maintenance, and getting him to buy anything at all is like pulling teeth. I told him recently some clothes the dc had come back to my house in, needed replacing (I washed them and gave them back to him) because they were ripped beyond repair - he looked at me as if I had two heads!

I wish I had insisted on him providing everything right from the start then I wouldn't be facing as much of a battle now. Your ex sounds like mine - sees it as "unfair" that you're getting "handouts" and he isn't!

Things you bought as a couple I would continue to share with him. Any big purchases in future he wishes to share, he can contribute 50% to. Anything else YOU buy stays at your house, with a few exceptions that can go between houses, like favourite toys etc.

Anyone who doesn't get this has never looked after and provided for children single handedly, 90% of the time, and resent having to pack bags every other weekend filled with stuff that they have spent THEIR money on, which they may or may not get back. Some things I have bought, sent to their dad's house and never seen them again. I might as well tip the contents of my wallet down the drain.

@cadburyegg yep that’s the problem, I felt bad as I’d initiated the split so have been doing the travel and providing everything so ex expects it now. I’d rather set expectations now than suddenly change them out of nowhere. He’s not payed a penny! So I think it’s only right

Can I clarify - did you drop the children off at his without any of their stuff and then tell him you wouldn't provide it anymore? Or did you tell him before in order to ensure he had enough time to buy those things?
Also, were the car seats and prams bought whilst you were together?

Set out your stall, stick to your boundaries. He definitely needs to provide everything, although I’d be sharing car seats/buggies given how little he has them. It seems a bit much to make him buy all that, but he definitely needs to provide nappies/clothes etc. He’s being ridiculous there. What’s he going to do when they’re older for food? Expect you to send packed lunches?!

Jeezo my hearts bleeding for him! The joys of having children, does he have no pride? Stick to your guns