Ex annoyed about CMS - how to respond

[Augustlion]

hi, ex has recently started having DS overnight and DD for 4hrs EOW (Twins, but DD EBF). We separated months ago and only just put a claim in for maintenance. When dropping off the kids they’d have a bag with spare clothes, formula/bottles & nappies. I told ex 3w ago he will need to now provide these as I didn’t want to get into the habit of doing everything, and only fair as he’s not paying maintenance. How do I respond to this reply?

‘Not right having me buy bottles, pram, car seats when they already have, and wanting maintenance on top. You get child benefits as well, so why the pettiness? When you take them to nursery, are they providing the basics? But you make me. I’ll need maintenance money for when they’re here, no one will be helping me to buy these things, I need a bouncer, walker, high chair ect.

to not bring nappies was out of order, I was alone with no pram or car seat and had to squeeze them in small nappies. You are just being spiteful to the kids’.

AIBU expecting ex to have all of this stuff regardless of receiving child benefits & maintenance? I told him weeks in advance what he will need. I don’t want my children to suffer but don’t want to enable ex either.

Car seat & pram I don’t think there’s any need for you both to have sets, especially if he only has them so little, it’s a waste of money having two sets but if you bought & paid for them then he can give you half the money.

But clothes, nappies, wipes, formula etc he should definitely be getting for his time with his children.

He hasn't paid a penny in maintenance for them?? He's totally U for that. What a prince.

@Soontobe60 i told him he would need to provide basics for them in his care about a month before the first over night but i did still bring a bag at the next visit. a week before the first overnight I told him he specifically needs nappies, spare clothes, formula, a rear facing car seat. He’s just text back, ‘ok’. On the day I asked him if DS had everything he needed. He didn’t reply. I bough the car seats and the pram we went halves on

Christ almighty these men think their sperm is made from platinum and diamonds and that's all that's needed to raise a child. Ffs he just assumed you'd carry on doing it and then bleated on when you didn't (after plenty of notice). What a tool.

Nope you did fine. You don't expect him to provide these things for you, why should you provide them for him? Maintenance is to make up for the time he's not caring for them, which is why it's not due when care is split 50/50.

Stick to your guns. If you don't set boundaries you'll be making a rod for your own back for the next 18 years.

You're already doing his parenting for him. He's shameless.

Dear x thanks for your email/text.

Any questions you have regarding child maintenance needs to be directed at the CMS and not me.

Regarding the children's necessaries, this is separate to child maintenance and as their father you have a responsibility to provide these things whilst they are in your care.

Then leave it, don't engage.

Yes it's expensive to buy these things, especially when the dc are young and growing, but you have to find the money to do so, so he should too. None of his arguments hold water.
You pay nursery, as part of the fee nappies etc are inc - so you are paying
He would pay more if the dc didn't stay over, so you are paying for his nights as you claim less via CMS - so you are paying
No one is helping you buy prams etc, child benefit and child maintenance doesn't even touch the sides and pay for all your child's needs.

He sounds like an absolute prince.

You aren't being spiteful towards the dc, he is.

I think you are unreasonable about car seats and pram. Having duplicates when he sees them only eow is wasteful and you are not using them when the children are with him. The rest of the stuff he should get in BUT you have admitted that you initiated the break up and do you really want to score points for the next 18 years. Your children need to be looked after and at this early stage of their lives providing clothes, nappies and formula so they have consistency seems within the bounds of doing best by the children.

I agree, her ex should provide nappies etc, which is in the bounds of doing the best by his children!

Your post is why women get shafted more often than not, when we start to put boundaries in place and expect fathers to take the same responsibility for their dc as the mothers it's seen as being unreasonable.
I'm sure the op would be more than happy to share car seats and prams if her ex will cover half the school uniforms, school trips, hobbies etc in years to come, but if he's quibbling over nappies I very much doubt he'll pay for anything other than the minimum he can get away with.

Working for what's best for the children works both ways. Not just the mother being reasonable and 'doing what's best for the dc' whilst the father can get away with doing the absolute minimum!

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. It used to drive me insane that I had to sort, pack, and wash all the clothes when the children visited him. If I was lucky he might put the dirty clothes in a different bag and if I was very lucky everything came back.

I don’t think I was wrong to get cross about it, but my children see me as being petty and trying to get one over on him - which makes me sad and cross.

He asked to use their passports the other day, I’m making him pay a deposit because he’s so careless.

I think you need to respond with something like:

"You're a parent now, you need to provide all the things responsible parents do on your parenting time, just as I do when the children are in my care. If you need help with that Google is your friend, or there are books and parenting classes that can support you."

Regardless of his response, just copy and paste the above, or similar, until he gets the message.

He seems a bit thick, so it might take a while.

Yes but why do you think OP initiated the break up..it's not her fault he's lazy and incompetent. Unless the reason is that the OP went off with a younger, richer, better looking man, we can probably assume the split was down to his shortcomings.

Why isnt he paying maintenance?

dont send them with bags of things. He should provide what his children need.

dont respond at all. Just keep all the messages. Of simply, ‘you need to provide the basics for your children when they are in your care.’

sadly there are lots of women on here with such internalised misogyny they will say a man should not have to even think about such things as nappies, clothes and feeding their children. Feel sad for them but ignore them.

Are they not his kids! Will he also be expecting you to supply food and drinks while they’re with him?? Shampoo etc too….
I would send them with clothes… senseless at this age while they grow so fast to have two sets of clothes… BUT yeah everything else he supplies himself…. You can’t take and collect high chairs everytime you drop them off and collect!
id tell him you supply nappies etc 6 days a week, his 4 hours isn’t compatible!

Cms is the BARE MINIMUM he should be giving to the children's upbringing.

Nappies / wipes etc he can provide.

If he damaged the car seats / the buggy I doubt he'd be buying you one to replace it!

Time for him to be a parent and well, actually parent.
He can pick up a pushchair on Facebook market place for cheap enough .....
car seats - yes they're expensive but they last - so he would need to invest in one anyway as it appears they are still young so he would get use from them

jeez yea he needs to get his own stuff for them you should be able to just drop off and go

I can even drop my own child at my parents house with nothing as there’s a car seat, cot, buggy, toys, clothes, nappies there for her!

Car seats need replacing if you drop them or knock them too hard. For this reason I would not be sharing the car seats as all the transfers increase risk of them getting bumped too hard and impacting their function. Also would he tell you if he dropped one? I've cared for a few sets of twins it's a right faf getting two seats into a car while sole charge of two toddlers. Then there is changing bag and buggy to load up. He should have his own set

I started off as you did, sending the DC with bags of cleanly ironed and washed clothes, and he would send back two dirty bags of washing. He also paid meagre maintenance.

My DC are primary school age now, and on the handover day I send them to school only with specialist sports kit for the weekend and their Dad collects them from there. He provides clothes and shoes at his house, I do the same at mine. Sometimes an outfit or two goes between houses, but usually always returned.

It took me 2 years to implement the above, and make him see I was serious.

Child benefit is currently £170 for 2 DC, and he thinks that covers all their expenses?!?

Having been in a very similar situation, here's what I'd do:

• Put in a claim for CMS (ignore his protests)

• Share the pram and car seats, given you're not using them (even if you bought them, it's wasted money there being two lots, especially with twins)

• Give him a few of their current baby clothes to start him off, and tell him you won't be sending any more ever. When they grow out of them, he will have to buy more.

• Tell him he will be providing nappies, wipes etc going forward

Don't let him guilt trip you into providing all the above.

If he says he won't see them if you don't provide the things, tell him that's up to him.

Good luck, I hope it works out.

If he says he won't see them if you don't provide the things, tell him that's up to him.
And get that in writing in a text or email.

I'd show him the calculations for cms with the current arrangement and then the one if he didn't have the children at his at all. And explain that the difference is so that he can use the money he is not paying to buy those things.

Thanks everyone! I’ve sent a text stating we can share the pram but he will need to get everything else and will need to anyway if he wants to pick them up from nursery.