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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to remain friends with exBil?

43 replies

Flynnie · 14/04/2008 16:44

Have known exbil since early teens and he is like a brother to me. He is now divorced from my sister not really because of him doing anything wrong but we have remained friends. He has gone out with my dh etc.

Sister hates it and feels that my family and I should have nothing to do with him.

they have a ds btw.
Just interested to know what you all think.

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 14/04/2008 16:50

He's entitled to have friends, and if they happen to be you and your DH then I think she should get over herself and let him get on with it. It's not as if she has to be there when he is etc.

LynetteScavo · 14/04/2008 16:53

I would like to have stayed friends with my ex bil, even though he treated my sister badly. As he's the father of my nephew and niece, I still consider him family.

jammi · 14/04/2008 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bigmouthstrikesagain · 14/04/2008 17:16

my older sister has split from her dh I have known ex-bil since i was a child - i am not friends with him exactly possibly because of the larger age gap but really I do consider him part of the extended family. I was very sad when they split because I knew I would not have the same contact with him.

You are not being unreasonable.

thebecster · 14/04/2008 17:18

I wish I could still be friends with my ex-bil but we've totally lost contact. I miss him, he was like my big brother and was so kind to me when I was growing up. YANBU

MadameCh0let · 14/04/2008 17:21

I'm not sure you can do this.

My old flat mate and I were both friends with a guy she fell in love with. When it all went wrong for them, I met him for a drink, nothing going on, but there were ructions. I had to choose, and I chose my friend.

That's life, we're all only human. If I were in your sister's shoes, I need to know that you were prepared to put her before a mere friendship.

I do sympathise with you though.

MadameCh0let · 14/04/2008 17:22

PS that doesn't mean that you have to cross the street to avoid him, or bitch about him. You know, you just have to let your sister know that he's not so important to you that you're going out of your way to stay in touch with him (as she's obviously made it clear this HURTS her).

purpleduck · 14/04/2008 17:23

I have a similar problem.
My brother and sil split up 2 years ago, my brother is still really hurt and angry, and doesn't want us to see her, or even acknowledge that she exists.

I think that ex SIL is my neice and nephews mum, MY childrens aunt, so she is still part of MY family.

SO, YANBU

Original poster
Flynnie · 14/04/2008 17:34

Purpleduck sounds very much like my sister.

From my perspective if dh and I split I would want him to remain close to my family as that is what the dc are use to.

I dont think that my sister is upset because she questions my loyality to her but rather that she hates him and doesnt want him involved with her family.

OP posts:
bossykate · 14/04/2008 17:40

i am contemplating ending my marriage atm and sorry but i do think you have to choose. your sister is no doubt feeling extremely hurt and vulnerable at the moment and needs to feel that family value her above the ex. keeping a friendship with the ex could potentially signal to her that you disapprove of the fact the marriage has ended or blame her disproportionately for the end of the relationship.

bossykate · 14/04/2008 17:40

or that you simply refuse to accept the changed situation.

Original poster
Flynnie · 14/04/2008 19:05

Very sorry for your situation Bossy and Iikwym. I am sensitive of the way she is feeling and she knows that I support her however the way that she treated bil was dreadful and it still is. for a long time being difficult when it came to seeing their ds as well as other things.

Bil doesn't have family and is very much alone so feel bad for him.

Its not as if i see him all the time but would like to be able every now and then.

OP posts:
larry5 · 14/04/2008 19:49

Dh brother and his wife split up and divorced. They had been married for 25 years so we knew sil well.

We still see sil but unfortunately brother moved to the States so we don't see him.

I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to see your bil as he has been your friend for so long. That doesn't mean that you have to take sides.

purpleduck · 14/04/2008 22:03

I have had aunts and uncles that split up when I was a child, and I still hate that I have just NEVER seen the other aunt/uncle again.

In my case, my ex sil LOVES kids and is a really positive addition to their lives.

Flynnie, my brother is the same. He HATES her. It doesn't help that he has systematically alienated nearly all the family, so for most of us, if we want to see their kids, we HAVE to be in touch with ex sil. Then my brother gets mad at us all over again

Original poster
Flynnie · 14/04/2008 22:22

Purple maybe your brother and my sister should get together....they sound so alike!

feel sad for their ds as he worships his dad and my sisters attitude towards everyone may be damaging to him.

Families

OP posts:
WallOfSilence · 14/04/2008 22:25

If either of my sisters split from their dh's I don't know what I would do.

One has grown up with us as I was just 8 when she started dating him (I am 30 now) and the other is like a brother to me.

I don't think YABU, we can't help who we are friends with. And it is good for your nephew to know he can talk to you about his dad etc..

LaComtesse · 14/04/2008 22:28

My sister has just become divorced and my ex BIL is always popping round now, dropping off my niece or picking her up. We still see him as part of our family for the reasons mentioned above (plus my Mum loathes her new partner but that's another story). I don't see that you have to choose between them - no-one would dare tell me who I can be friends with - but I can see where your dsis is coming from.

Grumblestitskin · 14/04/2008 22:30

Hi Flynnie,
Could not agree more. I'm in exactly the same situation!
My sister is trying to stop me from ever having any contact with my ex-bil. She tried to stop him at one point from even seeing his son until a court order came into place.
I actually get on with him a lot better than her and I've known him for years. I have accepted that she?s moved on and am even on good terms with her current bf, but shes not having it and has basically said its him or her. I don't understand how she can give me an ultimatum like that if she really cared about me.
In my opinion, your friendship with you ex-bil has got nothing to do with her. Don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

madamez · 14/04/2008 22:30

On the whole I would say, keep up the friendship. But make sure you are not hoping, or trying to make it happen, that they get back together, because that's not up to you (just thinking of another MNer who has a horrible mental family who basically chose her XH over her, sabotage any new relationship she starts and keep trying to force her into the company of her XH against her wishes). Because where there are DC involved, then an XP is part of the family, really, and there is no particular reason why the rest of the family should have to exile the XP (unless XP is X because of violence or abuse). However it's not good to insist on (for instance) the inclusion of an XP at a family occasion if their presence will upset the actual family member who has split up with them: in terms of Xmas, birthdays etc, the wishes of the family member shoudl come first.

Original poster
Flynnie · 14/04/2008 22:44

Grumble I have 3 sisters, are you sure you not one of themGin

madamez oh no them getting back together? Imagine Heather and Paul......

OP posts:
Grumblestitskin · 14/04/2008 22:55

lol!
No, i've got just the one sister. Thank God!

Original poster
Flynnie · 14/04/2008 22:57

obviously meant

OP posts:
purpleduck · 15/04/2008 00:07

Flynnie, I wouldn't want to inflict my brother on your sister.
He has been getting more and more....unreasonable as time goes on. He doesn't seem to care what he does, and how it affects his children - the only thing in his sights is his complete and utter hatred of his ex.

Last I talked to him, he said he was thinking of taking his daughter and moving far away. (He has a step son who is my SIL's from a previous relationship)
He didn't seem to care that he would be taking my neice away from her mother, her brother, family, and friends she has had since she was a toddler.

All he cares about is hurting his ex.

bossykate · 15/04/2008 12:39

"I don't understand how she can give me an ultimatum like that if she really cared about me."

tbh i don't really understand how people can totally disregard the feelings of their family member with regard to exes. i would feel very hurt if family members kept pally with h if we split up.

bossykate · 15/04/2008 12:40

those of you who talk about not taking sides are a little naive i feel!

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