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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to remain friends with exBil?

43 replies

Flynnie · 14/04/2008 16:44

Have known exbil since early teens and he is like a brother to me. He is now divorced from my sister not really because of him doing anything wrong but we have remained friends. He has gone out with my dh etc.

Sister hates it and feels that my family and I should have nothing to do with him.

they have a ds btw.
Just interested to know what you all think.

OP posts:

MissGelly · 15/04/2008 15:54

My sister started emailing my ex H when we split up. She didnt even live in the country and I was most annoyed, but she thought he was lonely and needed some friendship.

Long story short.. the next time she came over to visit, he threw a wobbly because she wouldn't come stay with him! I was upset with her because I thought he was getting a little clingy and desperate..

Then he pronounced his love for her and insisted they should've got together... that's when she disappeared off the scene.

I think she still sends him xmas cards and bday cards but he "attends another church" now so no longer pines for her .

In summation, it's always a bit tricky.

Grumblestiltskin · 15/04/2008 20:18

Hi bossykate

In my situation, I?ve know him for years. he?s been more of a brother to me than she?s been a sister. Obviously if he had done something malicious or hurt her physically then I would obviously part ways without a moments hesitation.
I love my sister very much and I?m definitely not choosing sides in anyway, just think that when you get to know someone why should you end your relationship with either person just because their relationship broke down.

Original poster

Flynnie · 15/04/2008 21:11

Ouch MissG sounds like a great guy your ex.
And ditto on GS situation.
My sisters always come first but its not like I want to marry the man just remain in contact.

I actually think that it is naive to think that you have to choose. Surely every situation warrants different treatment. I mean hasn?t everyone got friends where you try to keep out of the personal stuff and remain friends with both parties?

OP posts:

bossykate · 15/04/2008 23:21

whether you like it or not, it's very insensitive towards the family member's feelings. perhaps you simply have to have been through it or seriously contemplated it to understand

HappyMummyOfOne · 16/04/2008 07:41

If you've known him years and have a good relationship, then no I wouldnt stop contact. Like you say, if the split wasnt due to anything bad then why should you lose a friend. He's still your nieces/nephews dad.

Your sister is a grown up and not a child, adults are free to choose their own friends and shouldnt be made to choose.

gagarin · 16/04/2008 07:56

bossy

Who's being insensitive about who's feelings? THe OP has a longstanding friendship for her exBIL but she is being told by her sister this must end because family feelings matter more than friendship feelings?

What will the OPs ds learn about families? That even though his parents have split up he still has a big kind family and family occasions will be relaxed and friendly despite what has happened? Or that when grown-ups split up you have to cut them out of your life?

It cuts both ways.

And where does this dictating who can be friends stop - what if it were grandparents being told they must not see their xSIL? Surely that would not be right when there are children involved?

It's a mine field but in general IMO friendships should continue after divorce for the sake of the children at least.

bossykate · 16/04/2008 09:10

divorce is like a bereavement you know. it's not an "AIBU" matter. the sensitivity should go primarily towards the person who is splitting up! asking that person to respect your feelings at such a time is so "me, me, me". they have quite enough on their plate

bossykate · 16/04/2008 09:13

obviously there is a whole spectrum of different situations, relationships and divorces. but i think if you genuinely want to help a family member or friend at such a time, you should put yourself in their shoes and think very carefully (and honestly) about how you would feel in a similar situation. if the result of your thoughts is "oh sod it, why should i be inconvenienced?" ok - but don't be suprised if the person who is really going through it doesn't feel valued or supported and reacts accordingly.

bossykate · 16/04/2008 09:24

of course you may not want to sympathise with or be helpful to someone you know who is going through a relationship break-up. again, don't be surprised at the results!

Purplepillow · 16/04/2008 09:28

When my db split with his then wife, i told her she would always be my sil and we have stayed good friends to this day.

Her dc treat my house like their own and my db has never had a problem with this

HappyMummyOfOne · 16/04/2008 09:33

"divorce is like a bereavement"

Sorry, but what a stupid comment. I can assure you divorce is nothing like a bereavement! My mum died, I cant see her, speak to her or share my precious moments with her. Divorce means two people are no longer married.

As for sensitivity gooing towards the person splitting up - both the BIL and sister are part of the split not just one party.

My brother remained friendly with my ex for a while until they drifted apart naturally. Didnt bother me as I dont tell my brother who he can and cant see. He never mentioned him or socialised at the same events so it was never a problem.

bossykate · 16/04/2008 12:11

how can you assure me that divorce is nothing like a bereavement (note i didn't say it is the same as a "death")? have you been divorced? being a spectator at someone else's break up doesn't mean you have experienced it.

i'm genuinely suprised that people here want to be wilfully blind to the pain that a break up or divorce causes. yes both parties will be hurt by it but you are only the related to one of them!

oh and try to leave the personal attacks out of it

actually i will leave this now as i've said all i want to say.

batters · 16/04/2008 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Flynnie · 16/04/2008 23:34

I really don?t think that 'anyone with a different viewpoint is stupid, or wrong' after all I did ask for opinions, but of course everyone?s opinions are clouded by their own personal situations. BK sounds like she is speaking from her own experience but then so am I am all the other posters.

Of course break-up is devastating for everyone especially the children who should not feel imho that just because the parents cant be together that every other part of their world is collapsing.
Seeing his mother forcibly ejecting his father from every part of his life cant have the best impact.

OP posts:

Grumblestiltskin · 17/04/2008 10:49

Flynnie, I couldn't agree more. The child has defin. got to come first.

Grumblestiltskin · 20/04/2008 01:02

Think I killed de thread!

helibee · 20/04/2008 01:19

hi, i know that this thread seems to be over but just incase, i just wanted to say that Flynnie if you and your dh wasnt to remain friends with ex bil i think thats great and i'm sure that your nephew will appreciate that someone else in his family still likes his daddy!

Also bossykate, if OP's dh is friends with him then he shouldn't have to chose as he is no more related to her sil as she is to her bil, but it does sound like you are having a tough time and i hope that whatever decision you make when it comes to your marriage that you have good spport from your friends and family.

Original poster

Flynnie · 20/04/2008 12:03

Thanks helibee

OP posts:

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