Co-parent ex was due to look after DS but DS has Covid and ex has asked me to keep DS with me - AIBU to question this?

[Pinksparkles84]

So my ex has DS 3 nights a week and I have put together a rota for the summer holidays (DS is 7 years old). I had DS all of last week until Friday morning when I dropped DS to ex and ex dropped DS off on Monday morning to me. I have been looking after DS this week and DS was due to go back to ex this morning and overnight until tomorrow.

The week I had with DS we went away on a caravan holiday with my mum. On Tuesday this week I tested positive for covid and kept ex in the loop. I tested DS on Tuesday and he was negative. I tested DS yesterday (Thursday) and he is now positive with a bit of a sniffle and feels tired. I let ex know and he text back saying he didn’t want to catch Covid because there aren’t many people in at work and he doesn’t want to catch it. He’s not a vulnerable person and works in retail so probably comes into contact with people with Covid without realising it in the course of his job. I had to explain to DS last night to explain this to him and he ran to his bedroom crying. I guess I am annoyed that ex didn’t mention this when I told him I had Covid on Tuesday and planning ahead if DS had got it. Ex had not said anything about this so I thought he was planning on looking after DS with Covid but took safety measures at home to avoid him getting it. Had I have known his stance on it I wouldn’t have told DS that he was seeing his daddy today and he wouldn’t have got upset. A few friends have had colds recently and weren’t able to test because they couldn’t get hold of them and no one seems to talk about Covid anymore.

AIBU to be annoyed and how do other mums deal with co parenting when Covid is put in the mix.

He is right not to want to risk spreading covid to a new household and bringing it into another place of work

Most people try not to pass viruses from household to house hold, though in my experience, Dads are keen to pass vomiting kids back.

And kids often want their Mum when ill.

He’s right. Both of you are positive so no point him infecting another household.

He's right

Two parents fussing over who is going to look after their child with covid. You're both the parents and I don't understand why this is so triggering to you op. If the ex is working and doesn't want to get covid that's just going to have to be fair enough on this occasion ... you have covid so let the covid cases just stay in the same house hold. Wishing you all a quick recovery.

Why are you testing a kid that didn’t even have any symptoms?

would he go with a cold/flu or any other kind of illness?

my main decision factor would be when the child is feeling ill and if so where would they be happier.

I see both sides, kids get ill yes but something when will tip me one way or the other. Are your working? If you’re working it would seem unfair that it’s always you that has to risk getting sick and taking time off. If you’re not working and he is, suck it up he likely doesn’t get sick pay in retail

Of course hes right not to contaminate other people unnecessarily

Yabu

Your DS is plenty old enough to understand not passing illness on to people unnecessarily, even if he hadn't grown up while the pandemic was ongoing.

It doesn't sound like you handled it very well if he felt it was a rejection or ran off crying.

I'm a step parent and if DSC were due to come to our house in these circumstances I would think it reasonable for them to stay with their Mum until symptoms passed. There is no benefit in potentially making others ill if it could be prevented, Covid or otherwise.
In reverse, if DSC had Covid and were with us, we would keep them longer to avoid passing it on. Your ex is being quite sensible.

Going against the grain here, you continue to be a parent whether your child is ill or not. I'm guessing this isn't the first time parental responsibility has fallen to you when your ex hasn't fancied being a dad.

We try not to share contagious illnesses between homes, or uproot our child when they’re feeling unwell unless absolutely necessary. Sometimes it is though and that’s life.

Have to say it has been a while since I have tested myself or my child for covid, we’re vaccinated and unless feeling physically unwell, life goes on.

My step children’s mother thinks nothing of sharing vomiting bugs etc between homes however. My last 3 hours of having to take time off from work have been due to this.

If you still lived together he'd have had to get on with it. Like you said, he's prob constantly surrounded by covid in a shop.

Don't test in future and def don't tell him

This is no longer the depths of the pandemic when people were self isolating and dropping dead like flies left and right.

Of course, no one likes to be ill. But if he had a cold or chicken pox or an ear infection, and he wanted to spend time with his dad, yes, his dad should spend time with him, COVID or not. You’re right that he probably has more exposure to COVID and everything else at work. Any decent parent would want to be there for their child when they were ill. Fair enough if he felt too unwell and wanted to stay home but that’s not the case.

Why are you even testing 🤷🏼 I'd have just dealt with it same way as a cold.

My kid doesn't want me any more than his dad when he is ill because we parent him equally. I appreciate this was typically true in the past (and probably still is in many cases) but assuming it is the case does nothing to help equalise the job of parenting.

I was trying to be kind. I know more duff Dads than good ones.

I got symptoms the other day and felt a bit dizzy. It hadn’t really occurred to me to test until someone asked me if it was Covid as I thought it was the standard cold. Most of my friends had said the same thing that they wouldn’t have thought to test in those circumstances. I tested DS yesterday as he said he was really tired and coughed a few times. I am happy to have him with me when he’s not feeling great.

Ex used to get annoyed and angry if I picked up an illness or my son had picked up a cold at soft play for example. I subsequently realised that he’s a covert narcissist and have been doing some healing work on this - hence him being an ex. For context, he has let DS down a few times saying he needs to work late (there was a sale on which meant he had to work late on a few occasions) when he’s got DS and not making his own arrangements for DS. On these occasions he doesn’t make his own arrangements (I.e his mum having DS instead) so between my mum and I we arranged childcare. Of course I would never not look after DS as it means I spend more time with him, but it’s more for DS benefit to see him.

Technically I suppose he's right - I stand by the sentiment that your ex needs to parent his child when he's ill, not just accept him when he's well but actively introducing COVID to someone else for less than 48 hours is foolish. However, I get the impression that he's using it as a convenient excuse and exploiting the situation so you are not being unreasonable for being annoyed.

It would be interesting to see if your ex keeps your son with him should he ever fall ill at his house - or whether he'd come back as scheduled regardless.

Also - why was it up to you to break the news to your son? Does your ex not have a spine phone?

When it's an infectious disease, then the DC stays in the afflicted household until better.

Will you be able to swop some days later in the hols to make up?

Personally I wouldn’t have tested because I don’t see why it matters if it’s Covid or a cold? (I am assuming dad would look after his son who had a cold) Both spread to others and it’s not like the treatment is different.

In our household we speculate whether a cold could be Covid but we don’t test because it doesn’t really matter. We stay at home if we feel ill, wash hand more etc

People are still testing for Covid? Why?

Loads of reasons - mainly because they want to know in order to avoid passing it to a vulnerable person (either physically or because they cannot afford to keep taking sick leave, or are seeking not to aggravate their long covid) or because they or someone close to them is potentially eligible for the advanced covid treatments.