To be a bit annoyed with DH

[FreightTrain]

DH and I have a five week old DD. We also own a business that is stressful and challenging to manage.

I am largely off work but squeeze about 1-1.5 days worth of wfh in through the week around baby care and the bit of housework I manage to do. Because of this I haven't managed to get to get to any of the classes that are on my radar.

DH is a very active person. He's signed himself up for a couple of marathons later this year and as he's very competitive, he's doing a significant amount of training for them, which is fine as he's fitting runs in at convenient times that we've agreed. It's good for his MH, so I'm on board.

However, this week he's decided to reinstate a couple of his more time consuming hobbies which has him out of the house for 4-5 hours tonight and a further 3-4 hours on Tuesday including dinner with his mates afterwards. If I asked him not to go, he wouldn't go, but I don't want to be unreasonable.

He's a great, hands on Dad - he willingly takes on a lot of DD's physical care e.g nappy changes, baths. He has also done the lions share of the housework and cooking since she came along.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off that he's out doing three separate hobbies and because of our business and our baby I can't even seem to get along to the bloody buggy fit class that's on once a week?

Work out what your classes are that you want to attend, tell him the schedule and go!

No, YANBU and address this now while you're only five weeks in.

You both get equal hobby time. Sit down and talk about this tonight. Nip it in the bud asap.

Did he ask before he reinstated those hobbies? Did you say about not getting to any of the things you want to do?

Be annoyed, say it's not fair and that you need to have your time too. Your baby is tiny and he's already filling his free time with his own things...when will he spend time with his child?

If he’s so great and helpful and hands-on, how come you can’t find even a spare hour to attend a class once a week, whilst he’s claiming another 9 hours a week to himself?

Doesn’t add up.

He's not a mind reader and what about your mental health OP.

Talk to him and discuss your own needs.

Don't allow him to becomes one of the men that their lives never change.

Don't become a martyr.

Congratulations on your baby.

Stop with the hands on and helpful shite. She's his baby too. Are you helping him when you care for her...?

That’s shit of him.

Training for a marathon is a huge time and energy commitment and way beyond what’s necessary to aid mental health.

he is taking a lot of time for himself at your direct expense, very soon after you’ve given birth.

Being a good father and partner is way more than just doing stuff in the time after paid work and multiple hobbies!

If you don't communicate it with him, he won't know.

Either you're ok with it and you don't say anything, or you're not ok with it and you need to say something.

I wouldn't be ok with the amount you're having to pick up due to his hobbies, but we're all different.

He's going to squeeze you out of your own life if you let him.
Get him told. If he objects to working out a better balance then demand he explains why he thinks he's more important than you and if he hopes his daughter finds a guy just like him when she's grown.
Anything other than an apology and a genuine reset is unacceptable.

Well...he clearly expects that you will do the childcare while he goes off to do his protracted hobbies. How nice for him!

obviously you're the default parent now according to him.

To be clear it's not 9 hours every week, but it is 9 hours this week (+running!).

It's a buggy fit class, so I don't need him to have the baby while I'm there (he would if I needed him to, although he isn't confident doing so as I'm EBF and he struggles to settle her). I just genuinely struggle to get myself there by the time I've fed baby, done my work etc etc.

I have told him I think he's taking the piss a bit, but I also told him to go in the same breath. Arghhhh.

What is stopping you going. It sounds like it is a class aimed at mothers and babies so is it on weekdays? In which case leave the housework and go.

Genuine question: is it not expected that I'm the default parent at this stage? Fourth trimester, EBF, etc etc.

I'm not saying that excuses his excessive hobbies and not having him here even if just for adult company/moral support!

Most of the work I have to do falls on the same day so getting that done while simultaneously trying to ensuring baby is fed and settled enough for me to feel confident going.

I'm going to make a big effort next week!

Deal with this immediately otherwise the precedent will be him doing whatever he wants and assuming it's all fine. It's not! You're jointly responsible for the baby, that's a 24/7 job so if either of you wants to do something alone that has to be negotiated. And if you don't get equal time, resentment will build. It might feel manageable now but as the months of imbalance go by it will wear you down. As someone else has said, nip it in the bud now while it's still early days. I know many couples who have fallen into this pattern and got stuck.

I completely understand where you are coming from but i’m going to say what was said to me when I was in a similar position - you are not in the running for sainthood so don’t be a martyr. If there are classes you want to go to, go to them. Share the timetable with your DH and make them happen. If he is at work during those times, free yourself up by handing over the work you are doing for the business to him. Your maternity leave is precious, don’t spend it being a martyr and building up resentments.

I don't think any woman is a default parent unless you're widowed. Even if you're breastfeeding it would be very isolating to have your partner going out this much and it sets a precedent.

I honestly don't understand how his hobbies are anything to do with a class that you would take the baby to? That's your schedule, not his. So just go?

^^
Agreed.
These are the things DH and I agreed early on, having a child (especially a small one) includes sacrifice - sounds like his activities are quite excessive

Oh and EBF doesn't mean you should be default. In fact as you're the only one that can feed he needs to be around to support you by doing the other stuff, nappies, housework etc. That's how it is for now.

Have you told him what time you need? You're allowed a few hours off to.

Also no, you aren't the default parent.

EBF for our DD as well, which meant that DH had to do other stuff! He's not worried about you getting time for your stuff, but he's made sure he gets his! Best to sort it now before it becomes a default.

What housework has to be on a set day other than dinner?