Please help - we can’t control 3yo

[Olympictrantrums]

I desperately need help to understand how best to help and parent my badly behaved daughter. I’m at the end of my tether and it’s really impacting my mental health.

She’s only three but her behaviour is far worse than typical toddler tantrums. She purposefully defies instructions, screams and shouts when she doesn’t get her way, breaks things, purposefully hurts people (hitting and biting) and does things she knows will upset her parents and siblings. She shouts and screams and kicks and cannot be calmed down. Nursery agree she is challenging but very bright. Her behaviour is no where near as bad there.

There is no suggestion of neurodivergence at stage and nursery say her behaviour isn’t typical of what they see in ND kids, but I appreciate shes too young to tell for sure.

The logical conclusion then is that the bad behaviour is reaction to the way we are raising her. We try so hard to be fair. We do loads of activities to keep her entertained, she sleeps well and has a good diet. She doesn’t watch much tv and rarely has an iPad. We’ve tried distractions, time out, behaviour charts and rewards and ignoring all bad behaviour. I’ve read books and follow various ‘good parenting’ gurus on SM.

Does anyone have any idea of what we can do to help her? Health visitor isn’t interested as she’s hitting all milestones.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? How do you support and help your kid? She gets so upset and it’s such an impact on us all.

"We do loads of activities to keep her entertained"

Top much? Over-stimulated? Does she get plenty of time by herself to decompress?

How old are her siblings?

Did you bother to read the OP?

Ignore this weirdo

Just 3 or nearly 4? Being 3 is often called being a threenager.

Well, I think you're being a bit dramatic. That doesn't sound worse than normal tantrums, it sounds like normal tantrums.

She isn't "deliberately" hurting people, she has poor emotional regulation and impulsivity because of her stage of brain development.

It doesn't sound like the professionals around you are worried, is that right?

You need to work on emotional regulation, and remember that her brain is very different from an adult brain. Could try a parenting course via your local family hub.

Ime she needs to learn to just relax and 'live' at home. Dc who are allowed to become bored find the necessary skills to amuse themselves... My friend had a similar ds. She never even got a cup of coffee without having to run round amusing him. He was an absolute tyrant at 3..

Helpful.

The 'how to talk so kids listen' book is quite good.

I wouldn't use the methods you have tried for tantrums. For me it's about supporting her with her emotions so she feels safe, limiting some actions if necessary, and giving her the building blocks so that over a period of several years she can start to self regulate her own emotions. So if you are open to alternative approaches this would be a good place to start. https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/guide/concern-tantrums

I’d recommend keeping a diary - what is her day like? What seems to trigger the outbursts. Behaviour is communication. You need to figure out why she is doing this.

Once that’s done look at techniques to address. For example if “bedtime“ is a trigger is it because she suddenly has to go from fun hyper garden play to lying in bed? Transition times and routines ate key at this age.

Can you give any more specific examples? Some of what you've said could just be normal child behaviour or it could be ND or something else but it's not enough information to say

And yes the book How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen is fantastic

Can you remove her from situations as soon as she starts?

I often had to pick mine up and carry them at that age, under my arm or over my shoulder and away from whatever it was they were having a meltdown about because the most important thing for them was to take them out of whatever situation they were in that they weren't coping with.

Can you create a quiet space for her that you can take her to? Mine had a dark enclosed space that they found very calming.

I realise your daughter isn't autistic while my sons are, but I think when they're very little some of the calming and safe things that can help autistic kids can also help nt kids.

Tell her that her shouting etc gets her nowhere. Anytime she shouts etc you will ignore her and her demands. At three years of age she is old enough to understand how to behave.

Do you ever give her time to "just be" Too many forced activities is too much for anyone let alone a 3 year old. Go do the washing up and leave her in the living room, give her space and peace to just do her thing.

Its been a long while, but I had a difficult time with one DC who was 2.5 when a new baby arrived.
Firstly, I think you sound stressed and your little darling may be picking up on that. ( Not sure if saying that is going to make you less stressed tho, so apologies) . But I guess I'm saying try not to let it upset YOU too much when its going on. They need you to be on an even keel.
How long is she at nursery every day? It can seem like a long and busy day to a small person and sometimes they just want complete calm and rest for a bit.

Some of the best advice I had was when they are making a lot of noise, you have to keep a very calm voice, (because you can't keep upping the volume) This also works with adults 😀Also saying stuff like " I can see you are upset." ( you are not allowed to laugh when you say that!) it's supposed to be acknowledging how they feel etc.

About 3 or 4 pm is always Hangry time... I used to have a box of small sandwiches and bits at pick up time and they were always ravenous...waiting till we got home for food and water was always a tantrum.
Coming home... always needed half an hour's decompression time. They usually watched the same children's programme every day. Unfortunately, I had to watch it too! Or curl up and read or something soothing. But it was a nice calming time.
Sometimes, conversely, if you can see they are desperate to run about then it's straight out to the park instead...Also, if they are having a melt down, its always less awful in the open air.
Pre-bed routine helps. With bathtime.. lots of playing in the bath and chatting.
I agree with the previous pp who said to pick them up and remove them from a sparking situation - you can't reason with tantrums... but you can when they've cooled down.
Finally, they are very aware that people talk about them. Often in front of them. Nothing is more likely to bring on a tantrum. If They hear relatives say their behaviour is awful (take them out of that situation ASAP), other people's unhelpful comments just make things worse. (who can blame your DC in that case) They need to hear positive stuff from you, because its easy for you to just be fed up at this difficult time.
None of this is expert advice. Just some of the things I remember helped in our case. You will find your own way and it won't last forever. Used to help me to say to myself - well they won't be like this at 18 because the thought used to make me laugh.

Two questions: not ipad, they are useless. If you leave her on a computer, to watch cartoons, does she calm a bit and get watching and enjoying it?

Second question : do you take her to playgrounds and let her play until she is really really tired ?

Is she the second born? I think this behaviour is a 'thing' (my second born DD sounds a bit like yours).

There is no “typical” when it comes to ND. Your nursery is in no way qualified to make that decision. Girls present differently to boys, and can be diagnosed much later (my DD was not diagnosed until she was 17)
With DD I was told “she can’t be ND she makes eye contact” “she can’t be ND as she has conversations” “she can’t be ND, she’s doing so well at school” - all utter rubbish

I wish I had sought help much earlier, instead of having an utterly miserable time with a melting down, broken, depressed 14 year old .. avoiding school, and threatening self-harm.

A lot of “regular” punishments do not work for ND kids .. and she’s not to young to be on the pathway, let a trained professional help.

How many siblings does she have and what are the age gaps?

Does she get much of your attention when she's not tantrumming/hitting etc? Do you get any time one on one with her? Does she have a zone where she can play without siblings interfering?

I agree with making a note of what triggers the hitting/aggressive behaviour, and what triggers the tantrums. It could be connected to hunger, frustration, needing space, etc.

Make sure that you are naming and recognising emotions, both for you, her and her siblings. She is allowed to be cross/upset/sad etc but has to learn to express those emotions in acceptable ways.

This sounds so tough OP!

My little girl only responds to making her own choices, have you tried that?
So "do you want to climb up the stairs to bed on your own, or would you like mummy to carry you", either way she ends up upstairs.

The other method we use is distraction, distraction, distraction. So she's screaming because she doesn't want to get dressed, we make it a fun game where I'm on all fours and a tiger, and I'm going to eat her if she doesn't put her clothes on, for example. Which always makes her laugh and get distracted from what she's crying about. I basically act like a loon all day to make her laugh and everything becomes a game to get her to comply (must admit it's exhausting 🤣).

You've mentioned you don't have much screen time which is great, I notice a significant uptick in tantrums when she's exposed to TV, even for short periods.

Re-read your ‘discipline’ model. You haven’t once made your disapproval and displeasure known to your DD. She doesn’t know her behaviour is wrong because all you’ve done is ‘distract’ her from it or not give her a sticker or whatever. Ditch the useless ‘modern parenting gurus’ and go back to what our mums did - ‘that’s naughty and it’s made mummy very cross’ in an angry voice.

I'd say very good! 🙂