Please help - we can’t control 3yo

[Olympictrantrums]

I desperately need help to understand how best to help and parent my badly behaved daughter. I’m at the end of my tether and it’s really impacting my mental health.

She’s only three but her behaviour is far worse than typical toddler tantrums. She purposefully defies instructions, screams and shouts when she doesn’t get her way, breaks things, purposefully hurts people (hitting and biting) and does things she knows will upset her parents and siblings. She shouts and screams and kicks and cannot be calmed down. Nursery agree she is challenging but very bright. Her behaviour is no where near as bad there.

There is no suggestion of neurodivergence at stage and nursery say her behaviour isn’t typical of what they see in ND kids, but I appreciate shes too young to tell for sure.

The logical conclusion then is that the bad behaviour is reaction to the way we are raising her. We try so hard to be fair. We do loads of activities to keep her entertained, she sleeps well and has a good diet. She doesn’t watch much tv and rarely has an iPad. We’ve tried distractions, time out, behaviour charts and rewards and ignoring all bad behaviour. I’ve read books and follow various ‘good parenting’ gurus on SM.

Does anyone have any idea of what we can do to help her? Health visitor isn’t interested as she’s hitting all milestones.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? How do you support and help your kid? She gets so upset and it’s such an impact on us all.

I once sat in John Lewis for 90 minutes whilst my 3 year old screamed in the aisle. An assistant got me a chair in the end. I'd said I was going to ignore their tantrum and I couldn't back down. One old woman came up and patted me on the shoulder 😂

Consistency is key. And riding it out. Sounds like normal 3 year old tantrums to me.

It passes. Schools help.

Care less what people think or about whether you are doing it right. Go with your instincts. Give them a framework of what is acceptable which is RIGID but otherwise in there, they are just testing boundaries. It's a development phase. It will pass.

You'll be fine
Promise.

My child is similar. So far I’ve had about five years of it now and I’m pretty good at handling him. Try and read as much as you can about disregulated children. It helps to see them as struggling to control their emotions instead of labelling the becaiour naughty.

Things that help us are
Keeping very calm
Consequences not punishments
Enough sleep
Flexible boundaries. I do have boundaries but they are not rigid. There will be times when it’s the right thing hing to flex them and they’ll be times when a no is a no.
lots and lots of patience and kindness.

What consequences/sanctions are you currently using?

Three was the worst age so far for us. Fiercely trying to be so independent and getting incredibly frustrated at things not going her way. DD is now 5 and still struggles emotionally but we (and school) do a lot to support her emotional development - identifying feelings, talking through after an incident when calm. I'm not perfect and it's bloody hard to keep calm yourself when trying to wrangle a furious small person and their emotions but it does get better.

What starts a tantrum or meltdown? DD struggled and still does with transitions. We do a lot of preparing for outings and events - now/next work really well, sticking to routines, visual timers etc. DD is awaiting referrals for ND so the way we handle things might feel a bit OTT but they work and if your DD finds transitions hard for example and that can cause frustration for her then no harm in giving them a go to see if they help.

Your list of the things you've tried doesn't mention any actual punishments for disobedience / bad behaviour / violence. That's probably it.

What are the consequences for her behaviour ? Hitting and biting is zero tolerance. Pick up and put in another room on her own till she calms down if she comes out you hold the door tilll she stops. If you don't do this she will be hitting you at 6 7 8 9 and that is serious then. Tough love. She also need to entertain herself at home for periods of time. If you are constantly entertaining her she will expect the world to revolve around her. She will kick off when she doesn't get her way. It's called being a brat ! The new age mums will be up in arms. I've raised four kids and they are all well rounded adults. There is no way any of my kids would have hit me !

It feels like the reason your DD’s behaviour hasn’t been nipped in the bud is the overly complicated and ineffective methods used. All this talk of feelings doesn’t work. A short sharp telling off does, because they understand it.

The Incredible Years (R): Trouble Shooting Guide for Parents of Children Aged 3-8 Years (3rd Edition) https://amzn.eu/d/00EPFUy6

This is the book to the course I did with sure start and barnardo. It was brilliant. There usually copies in local libraries or you can get older versions for couple quid online. Also avaliable as audiobook. I harp on about it but I found it so helpful and supportive

If you don't tell her what bad behaviour is, how will she know?

Genuine question. It's a lot for a 3byear old to work out.

If I was shit at my job amd noone told me, I'd carry on my merry way thinking I was fab because I only ever hear how well I do.

Not at all suggesting that your child is Autistic - it takes a multi disciplinary team of professionals to make that diagnosis over months of observation, review and reporting.

However, this guidance about ‘meltdowns’ gives comprehensive advice and guidance and can apply to any child. It puts into words what some others, above, have suggested.
In schools we often use an ABC chart, to note what has gone before(trigger), what happens during and what happens after. Review this looking for patterns of behaviour. This helps with preempting, deflection and support to address. Really get to know what your child needs, what they are trying to communicate, so that you can teach them.
Often triggers are over tired, unfamiliar places, a quick change of routine, hungry, overwhelmed with too many expectations.

From the trigger, decide on one behaviour that you want to change. Set out small steps. Model this behaviour. Praise when she has achieved, keep at it. If the expectation is too great, lessen it until she can achieve so that she senses success and positive praise. Unless she/you are unsafe ignore other behaviours, you can move onto others later.

Children want attention. They will accept any attention, even the negative. By changing one behaviour this turns around the negative spiral, where as parents all we seem to say is ‘dont, stop’.

Once she senses success, very quickly other behaviours can be improved quickly as you move on to others.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/meltdowns/all-audiences